Heaven is Aware

September 8, 2024

Welcome to the pointing toward hope Blog!  You can listen to this on my podcast here.

Well hello my friends!  How has everyone been?  As you may have noticed, I have been MIA for the past almost 2 years.  And what a 2 years it has been.  My mental health has been on a bit of a roller coaster ride and it’s taken A LOT to get things to a stable spot again.  

Plus, I decided to take a year off and study graphic design, in a mastermind course.  So there was that as well, that was very time consuming.  More on that later.  But goodness, I have missed spending time with all of you and hope that I can make up for it in the coming months.  

I have certainly learned a lot over this past few years.  And I’m anxious to get back in there and share my experiences in the hopes of helping others who also struggle, continuing where we left off.  I really do believe that we have obstacles, trials, and challenges in our path that can either make us bitter or better!  And I hope that I, and all of you can truly work to make things better in most of our challenges. Because as I always say, with the help of our Savior, we can do anything, right?!  

So let’s just get this party started!  But before we jump back in, let me just back up a little bit. Because some of you may be new here.  And if that’s the case. Welcome!  I’m so happy you came to join us.  A little bit about me and the reason that I started this podcast is because almost 10 years ago I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar.  And that diagnosis just really threw me for a loop.  I was not ready for it, and it pretty much came out of nowhere.  No thanks to myself though. Because looking back on it, I pulled just about every trigger I could to create the perfect storm.  

I have suffered from depression for years.  Really siince my kids were tiny.  And they are all adults now with kids of their own. And I’d been on so many medications over those mothering years that I lost count.  But I did get to the point that I found one that seemed to work well for me.  And I was on it for about 10 years. Pretty much through most of their teenage years.  Which was a really big blessing, because if you are in that stage, you know how busy that can be running kids here, there, and everywhere.  So there really was no time to be ill.  And by that point, I’d come to accept that I would probably be on medication for the rest of my life.

Fast forward 10 years or so and I’d gone through a difficult divorce, moved across the country,  gotten remarried and was living comfortably and happy.  My husband and I were about 2 years into our marriage when things took a drastic turn and I ended up in the psychiatric ward in downtown nashville. 

It took us both very much by surprise.  But the Lord knew that it needed to happen.  Because that is what started my journey back to Him and His gosple. And had it not been for the breakdown, I doubt that my husband would have joined me on that spiritual re-awakining. 

Consequently, we began visiting with the sister missionaries in our home.  And 6 months later my husband was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! And a little over a year later we were sealed in the Nashville Temple for time and all eternity.  And that was a pivotal point in our marriage. And one that has brought so many blessings into our lives.

It’s been a wonderful 7 years since then, for the most part.  It has not been without struggle for sure.  Learning to live with and manage any type of illness is never easy or without bumps in the road. Combine that with my husband  learning a whole new cultural language being a brand new member of the church, we’ve had some very memorable moments, to say the least.

So that catches us up a little bit.  And if you want to know more about the experiences that I just mentioned.  My podcast is full of stories about my journey with Bipolar and coming back to the church.  In fact just a few episodes back #61 I interviewed my husband.  And we kind of walked through this whole experience. So you’ll have to check that one out.

Alright, so let’s get into this.  I’ve been having the little promptings of getting my podcast back up and going for probably 6ish months.  But right as I was preparing to start back in…. Boom I had a pretty severe climb into the manic side of my illness.  Luckily, I did not end up in the hospital this time.  But it has been a journey to get back to a good healthy point.   And since that happened I have been thinking a lot about mercy and grace. Heaven knows that I have had a huge dose of both, this past year and a half.  

In the late winter months of 2023 and early 2024 I became lower than I have been in a long, long time.  As I look back I can see that I had stopped doing alot of the routine habits that I became accustomed to doing to keep me healthy.  I had stopped journaling regularly.  I wasn’t drinking my water like I always have.  I had stopped my scripture study (or at least become really sporadic). I wasn’t eating the best foods.  And stress had become an issue.

I talk about all the habits we can do to stay healthy mentally in several of my podcasts. so going back to some of those podcasts helped me to see the reasons that I was struggling. But I was so down that it was difficult to keep up with trying to develop and create those habits again.  

I remember at one point, I was so low and felt just broken and beaten down.  I knelt at my bed that night and said a two  sentence prayer.  “Lord, I need to know you see me. Please, I just need strength!”  I dropped into bed and in the morning I didn’t get up early like I usually do.  I felt like crying all the time.  But I had decided that today was going to be different.  As I lay there not wanting to get up, I decided what I really needed was to practice some self care.  My family had gone to a soccer game (I had declined to join them), so I was all alone.  

I thought to myself, I’m just going to have a good healthy breakfast, take a nice hot bath, maybe watch a chick flick.  Basically, just not worry about all the things that I had put on my plate over the last several months.  I was feeling pretty stressed (which is another practice that needed attention).  So I did those things, but instead of watching a movie, I decided to create something pretty.  I was working on bracelets at the time, for a craft show that I signed up to sell them at. And making beautiful things just makes me feel better.  I’m a blingy girly girl, what can say?

Looking back I had so many red flags happening and I’d just become so accustomed to being healthy that I wasn’t thinking.  Plus, I really do believe sometimes this podcast is more for me than anyone else.  I’m able to look back and listen and be reminded of the things I said and did during healthy times.  It had been nearly 9 years since my last hospitalization for mania.That was when I was officially diagnosed. And my bouts with depression had been manageable up until those winter months.

So maybe that will help you understand why the experience I’m about to describe hit me almost as hard as the original diagnosis.

I had spoken with my dr. and we had decided the week before this experience that it was time to increase dosages on one of my medications, since I was so down.  And for those of you that don’t know, when you start or increase a medication, the effects are usually not noticeable for several days.  So it had been a week or so and I was still feeling pretty blue.

As I sat there on the floor in my makeshift guest, slash, craft room designing the bracelet, I got a text from a friend from high school.  This person was my best friend in high school and we’ve been in and out of touch over the years.  But over the past 5 or so years we have gotten closer and we speak every month or so.  But I hadn’t spoken to her for probably 4 months.  

When someone is depressed, they tend to isolate themselves from everyone and everything.  I am no different in that respect.  And so I had not really reached out to any of my friends for support. In fact I had withdrawn from them and canceled walks, feigned sickness etc. to avoid going out.  

So as I sat there on the floor, my phone dinged.   I picked up my phone and the text just said.   “Wendy!  How are you doing?”

It’s important to note that although I tend to isolate myself during these times.  I also long for someone to contact me, to just reach out and see how I am.  And because this person is such a dear friend I knew that she understood me.  So I said, “Hey!  I’m OK…”  She pretty rapidly answered and asked, “wait, just ok?”  What’s up?  So I told her what was happening and how I’d been struggling lately.  It took several minutes for her to text back, and I thought.  “Great! I’ve scared her off”  But then my phone dinged and I lifted it to read her message. My eyes filled with uncontrollable tears as I read the words, “No wonder, your name came to me so forcefully this morning!  She said, “Heaven is Aware”!  I couldn’t even finish reading the text because I was so overcome with emotion.  It was exactly what I had asked God to show me, when I was on my knees the night before.  “Heaven is aware”.  

It’s hard to explain what happened next, but it was like suddenly I could see how people had been placed in my path over the past few months at just the right time.  Or a friend called and said she was on her over to walk with me.  Or someone had made a special effort to send me a sweet text. It was as if, for that little moment in time, I was able to see in to the other side of the veil where angels were working so hard to put people in the right place and the right time, to help me…. To save me.  And I was just overcome by the magnitude and power that the Savior holds to care for the “one”.  

In  Elder Patrick Kearon’s talk from the April 2024 conference called God’s intent is to Bring You Home.  He said this, “God is in relentless pursuit of you. He “wants all of His children to choose to return to Him,” and He employs every possible measure to bring you back.”  

And I can tell you from that moment and for several days afterward I felt the spirit penetrate my soul.  Bearing witness of the truth of those words over and over in my mind and heart.  I knew, He did see me!  I knew He was aware of my struggles,  and I knew that with Him, I would get through this difficult time. That I would be able to have the strength that I’d so desperately pleaded for.   And that started my climb out of the depths of my depression.  

Unfortunately, it was not a climb that I expected or wanted.  In fact it was like I had jumped on a trampoline really hard and hit the “bottom” and just bounced into the danger zone of mania!  It didn’t happen right away but within a few weeks.  

I steadily bounced higher and higher over the coming days.  I started taking on more projects and spending money to support these projects.  As I mentioned earlier, I was preparing for a big craft show to be held a few weeks from that time.  It was mid February at this point, and little did I know that the increase in my medication coupled with all the stress I was piling on was causing another perfect storm. 

Add to that, an incredible spiritual experience (those always tend to lift us up), and a few nights of terrible sleeping, and I started to become euphoric.  It was at that point that my husband became concerned and to be honest, I was a little concerned myself.  I didn’t understand how I could have gone from being at my lowest point, to now feeling on top of the world.  What a predicament I’d gotten myself into. Again.

To make a long story short, my husband and I  have a plan in place for when things like this happen.  So when he approached me with his concerns, I told him I felt the same.  We immediately put our plan into action.  Within about a week I’d gotten several good nights and days of sleep, had contacted my dr. and the process of healing once again had begun.  

Que to the next 5 months of unexpected trial and error to get my medications stablized and help me sleep.  I was not prepared to experience side effects with so many medications in a fairly short period of time.  I think I went through 5 different medications over the next 5 months before I came to my wits end.  

Broken and defeated, I had a prompting that I needed to find a new dr. One that was closer to me as well as someone that specializes in Bipolar cases. I had lost trust in my dr.  as he had never had the experience of treating me when I was in crisis mode. 

I started to wonder why on Earth I had not just gotten back on the medication that I had been on originally.  My Dr. had called it our backup plan.  I suppose he thought we could find something better.  And I trusted him. But looking back on the whole ordeal…. I really should have trusted myself more and requested to be put back on it sooner.  

But as I always say, our struggles are there to teach us. To help us grow.  And hopefully help us to be able to help others. And I also believe that the Lord wants us to be in the best position possible for us to improve and become stronger in all ways… physically, mentally, and spiritually.  It’s not always easy.  In fact, it’s pretty much never easy!  

So I followed that prompting and I found a new Dr.  And for the first time ever in the years that I’ve had Bipolar, I was able to get an appt. Within a week.  And also for the first time ever, when I met my new Dr. I knew it was a good fit right away.  I honestly have never felt so validated in my experiences with Bipolar.  Turns out, my Dr. has it too! At first I was a little apprehensive about trusting her.  And immediately I realized I’d let the stigma rule my judgement.  But she put me at ease right away as she began to talk about her reason for choosing this as her specialty.  As well as, showing me right away that she understood what I was going through.  

Not only that, she is so knowledgeable! Within minutes of me sitting down in the chair facing her, while her fingers tapped away notes about our conversation, she pinpointed the reason for my mania!  And it made complete sense to me.  We adjusted dosages that day and within a week I felt a noticeable difference.  It’s been a little over a month since Mandy Gentry and I met.  And I feel like I’ve known her all my life.  

Does God really see me and you and know exactly who and what we need in our life?  Of this I  have no doubt!  That simple little prayer I sent up to the Heavens that night at my lowest, reached the most high. And He has showered me with opportunities to witness just how much He does see me and just how much He does want what’s best for me.  Was this past 2 years easy for me?  Some days, yes.  

But as we come up to the Fall months, most known for Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD, which a number of people struggle with during the dark days of winter. I am more confident than ever, that His hand is in every detail of my life and no matter what. If I ask… He is going to show me and give me the strength to make it through.  And you know what?  He will do that for you too! Just open that door!

I will leave you with one of my most favorite scriptures found in Doctrine and Covenants section 84:88  “And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face.  I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”

If you are struggling, please reach out to the Lord.  Ask Him to show you that He sees you.  I can promise you that He will.  And remember, Heaven is Aware!

So that explains a little about what’s been happening the past two years.  But, I’m so excited to get caught up with some really amazing guests. I have some special people waiting in the wings for a chance to share with you all. 

That’s it for this week my friends. It may take me a bit to get back to weekly podcasts.  But I promise I’m gonna do my best!  Thanks for listening/reading and have a great week!