A Perfect Brightness of Hope

Welcome to the pointing toward hope podcast/blog.  I am Wendy Bertagnolli, your host for today. If this is your first time joining, welcome!  I hope you can find a little bit of joy and healing as you listen and hear the stories of others who have overcome and found joy and healing in their lives.  We believe that it is through our hope and faith in Jesus Christ that we can overcome the many trials and challenges of our day. If you have a personal story to share that you feel may help others to be able to find the light again, please reach out to me.  I would love to have you on the show.

I’ll start today off by sharing a quote from President Russell M. Nelson, it reads:  

We have never needed positive spiritual momentum more than we do now, to counteract the speed with which evil and the darker signs of the times are intensifying. Positive spiritual momentum will keep us moving forward amid the fear and uncertainty created by pandemics, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, and armed hostilities. Spiritual momentum can help us withstand the relentless, wicked attacks of the adversary and thwart his efforts to erode our personal spiritual foundation. 

~President Russell M. Nelson~

This was a talk he gave back in April of 2022 called spiritual momentum

Being caught in an attack by the adversary to erode our personal spiritual foundation can happen to anyone!  Even the most stalwart people can sometimes find themselves in situations where the light of Christ is not burning as brightly in their life as it once was.  

There can be so many reasons for this, grief, loss, miscarriage, lies, threats, surgery, pain, mistakes, death, betrayal, and so many more.

So How can we protect ourselves against the fiery darts of the adversary that are ever increasing in these days and times? I don’t have all the answers for sure.  But I wanted to talk today about a few habits that we can work on that will help us withstand these relentless attacks of the adversary.  Our world is certainly in the throws of darkness, rocking too and fro, knowing not which way to turn.  I pray that we can be strong and immovable when it comes to fighting the battles that will come our way.  And that we will not be moved in our desire to be a beacon of light in an ever darkening world.

And we can do that with the help of our Savior and by practicing some good solid spiritual habits. These habits will improve our abilitly to withstand all that we have been asked to face in the rough and unexpected times in our lives when we may feel less than stellar.

The first habit, and arguabley the most important, that I want to talk about comes from a talk given by Peter M. Johnson from the October 2019 General Conference.  This is one of my all time favorite talks.  I’ve mentioned it upon occasion here but it seems as though it is becoming an even more important warning as years go on.  He states:  

You are elect sons and daughters of God. You have the power to overcome the adversary. The adversary, however, is aware of who you are. He knows of your divine heritage and seeks to limit your earthly and heavenly potential by using the three Ds:

  • Deception
  • Distraction
  • Discouragement

Unfortunately, this is becoming more and more common among our Christian brothers and sisters.  Whether in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints or other churches.  Everyday, I see my friends being led away by the wiles of the adversary.  And it usually happens slowly.  I begin to see small differences in them and in their posts on social media.  Then suddenly they declare that they no longer have a testimony, and at times, exclaim that there is no God.  It breaks my heart, because I was once there.  

I remember many days defending myself and saying that I was happier than I ever remember being.  And the key word there is “remember”.  Such an important word that has great meaning. It is stressed over and over again in the Book of Mormon and the Bible. And as we know, the opposition can take something that is meant to be good, and twist it and turn it to meet his agenda.  And I believe that he has a way of seeing that we don’t remember the joy that the Gospel and our Lord Jesus Chrits bring us by exposing us to distractions.  Hitting us with discouragement.  And working in mischievous ways to deceive us.  

 In Heleman 5:12 Nephi remembers the words that his father Heleman had spoken to them saying:

And now my sons, remember, remember,that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ the Son of God, that ye must build your foundations; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea when all his hail and mighty storms shall beat upon you it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built which is a sure foundation; a foundation wheron if men build they can not fall.

And in verse 14 it says:  And they did remember his words, and therefore went forth, keeping the commandments of God….

In 2016, my husband, Joe, was baptized a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  And I remember that during the time that we were having discussions and messages given to us by the missionaries, we felt the spirit of the holy ghost regularly.  We would always be so happy after their visits and felt such peace, even though we were going through some really difficult things at the time.  

I started to go to the temple once a week because I was in a position that I could, even though our temple is 45 minutes from our home.  It usually would take half of a day.  But I could definitely feel the power that renewing my temple covenants each week brought into our lives.  

So many blessings would come right after or even during my sessions at the temple.  To the point that we could not deny it.  Do I still go once a week?  I’m sad to say that I do not make it every week. I’ve found it really difficult to get back into that habit since the pandemic.

I think it’s really easy to forget the added strength that regular attendance at the temple brings into our life.  It is meant to help sustain us in these latter days as things begin to get even harder, and as the veil gets thinner.  We need to remember and practice keeping the commandments.  The cloak of darkness gets heavier when we are distracted or deceived by the adversary.  It gets harder and harder for us to get back on track. Soon we find ourselves living and acting in ways that we never would have believed previously.

Distractions are hitting us from every angle. And things happen daily that can make us feel great discouragement. We must REMEMBER the words of our prophet and leaders if we are to make it through the mud and the muck that we face each day. We recently had another amazing General Conference.  Hearing from our prophet and leaders can be so uplifting and help us to stay the course or switch courses if needed.  It helps us to remain vigilant in these tumultuous times.

In Peter Johnson’s talk he states: 

In our day, there are many distractions, including Twitter, Facebook, virtual reality games, and much more. These technological advances are amazing, but if we are not careful, they can distract us from fulfilling our divine potential. Using them appropriately can bring forth the power of heaven and allow us to witness miracles as we seek to gather scattered Israel on both sides of the veil.

Let us be careful and not casual in our use of technology. Continually seek for ways that technology can draw us closer to the Savior and allow us to accomplish His work as we prepare for His Second Coming.

I have a dear friend that uses Facebook to share positive uplifting quotes daily.  I know it is not an easy task to do this every single day.  But she is diligent.  And in so doing, she strengthens herself as well as many others who see her posts every day.

If we look for good uplifting content in our social media time, it can be a time of upliftment and fulfillment.  But if we get caught up going down the rabbit hole of despair and discouragement it can completely change our day and at some point, if we continue this practice, it can change the trajectory of our lives.  

You may think that could never happen to you.  But, believe me when I say, it happens  so slowly that soon you don’t even realize how the adversary is essentially coaxing you into this deep abyss.  Either you find yourself depressed and discouraged over the state of things.  Or Angry and bitter.  Both of which do not come from the marvelous light of the Savior.

So how do we avoid these things?  Well, some of the ways that I have learned on my own journey, include;

  • Removing Distractions
  • Journaling
  • Sharing your light by serving others
  • Remembering your worth

Of course the main things that we can do and always should be doing to remain close to our Savior and his marvelous light are: Personal Prayer and scripture study, fasting, attending the temple, and weekly partaking of the Lord’s sacrament.  However, I’m not going to talk about those today.  However, I don’t want you to foget how important those 4 things are.  When I look back at my time away from the church and my Savior, these are some of the things that I can pinpoint that I had neglected and that, I feel, led me down the path that I was on.  So please remember to participate in those habits regularly so that Satan has no room to send thoughts and ideas into your mind.

We’ve already discussed distractions, so let’s move on to journaling.

Journaling has become such a huge part of my personal striving to be close to the Savior and to never stray again.  I find it so soothing and therapeautic to write my thoughts, hopes and dreams, on paper.  Whether it’s a gratitude journal, a prayer journal or daily thoughts, journals can really help us to learn more about ourselves and keep us growing toward a closer relationship with our Maker.  

President Henry B. Eyring in a talk that he gave in October 2007 General Conference called O remember, remember, he told a story about how he began Journaling.  I’m not going to share it all because it is long and definitely worth going to check out.  But speaking of his experience, he says this:

I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.

More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened.

It is so important for us to remember certain events in our lives.  I love How President Eyring shared the question that prompted his own journaling each day.  We can each find a way that journaling can work for us.  I can not tell you how many times I have gone back through my journals to read of specific experiences.  It has helped me to remember the important and not so important moments that have helped strengthen me, and build and grow my testimony.  I highly encourage you to start today.  Even if you don’t have time to do it daily, start with once a week.  You will be amazed by how much writing of your experiences will help you to grow and keep you safe from the attempts of the adversary to sidetrack us from our spiritual journey.

The third practice that I encourage you to take on is serving others more diligently.  Listen to those little promptings from the spirit that whisper someone’s name and don’t wait.  Immediately text or call them.  Make up a little care package or take them a treat or dinner.  In my experience both when being served and while serving others, I have seen lives change. I think it was Marjorie Pay Hinckley that said “Never suppress a generous thought”.  All of those good and positive thoughts come from the marvelous light of our Savior.  And it is for their benefit as well as our own.  We can strengthen our own testimonies as well as help others by reaching out in service and taking every opportunity to help someone in need.  Even if they are not in need, everyone loves to be remembered and thought of.  You can literally make someone’s day brighter by just remembering them and letting them know it!

One experience that I had happened fairly recently.  I had a thought come to mind to reach out to a friend that I hadn’t talked to for a few weeks.  She responded telling me how she had been ill for several days.  I immediately offered to help which she denied saying she was fine.  But I didn’t relent.  I said,”I’m bringing you lunch, what sounds good?” She replied that she hadn’t eaten anything in a day and half and that she really was hungry. I took her order and immediately went and picked it up and dropped it at her door.  She was ill, so I didn’t dare expose myself, but I texted her and let her know it was at her front door.  A few hours later she texted and told me how much that had meant to her and how good the food had tasted and she had enjoyed every last bite.  

I remember feeling so blessed that I had been prompted to reach out.  The food tasted so good to her, but the feeling that I had for having blessed her that day, I think was better than any food could taste.

We were meant to be here for one another.  The Lord did not put us in this life to be alone.  Remember the great commandment Love one another as I have loved you! If you will look outside of yourself and help someone in need, I promise you that you will be strengthened, uplifted and better able to fight off the adversary.

And finally Remember your worth! 

In D&C section 82:10, we read:  Remember! The worth of Souls is great in the sight of God.

There’s that word again.  Oh how the Lord wants us to remember who we are!  How divine and infinite we are in His sight. 

In Sister Tamara W. Runia’s talk this past conference she said:, “Your worth is constant; it never changes. It was given to you by God, and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to change it. Obedience brings blessings; that is true. But worth isn’t one of them. Your worth is always “great in the sight of God,” no matter where your decisions have taken you.”

In today’s world the adversary would have us believe that our worth is tied to certain things like successes or the perfect job, or by the shape of our bodies, or how many followers we have.  He wants us to believe that all those perfect photos that we see on social media are real life.  And if we don’t have that kind of life then we have no worth. He deceives us by spreading the lie that our worth is conditional, based upon what we do or believe. He covers our eyes with shiny distracting objects and lures us away into temptation.

Dont’ you believe it!

In the book of Mormon a father has a dream or vision where he sees mists of darkness leading people away from the word of God left wandering in unfamiliar paths.  I think of this story so often.  Because it seems that this vision is taking place at a rapid pace.

In 1 Nephi 12:17 And the mists of darkness are the temptations of the devil, which blindeth the eyes, and hardeneth the hearts of the children of men, and leadeth them away into broad roads, that they perish and are lost.

The Lord has said over and over that He loves us and that he will never forsake us!

In Hebrews 13:5 we read:  for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

You are worth fighting for, my friends! Don’t believe the lies that Satan spreads.  We are daughters and sons of the King!  No one can take that away from us! In the darkest night and on our worst day, He still loves us! When we mess up and make mistakes, He still loves us.  When we are struggling and fighting trials, He still loves us. And when we have good days and major wins, He cheers for us and still loves us! 

Please don’t let Satan’s deceptions, discouragement, distractions, and lies cheat you out of your eternal destiny!  Oh Remember, please remember how precious you are in His sight! Hold your head high and keep pressing forward.  Look to the perfect brightness of hope that He promised us! I can testify that He is our anchor when things get rough, that we can look to Him for refuge in our difficult times.  He loves us so much and wants us to return to Him!  I know the Savior loves you my friends, and I do too! And I pray that you will believe Him!

That’s it for today, my friends!  Please like and share and if you feel moved, please give the podcast a positive review.  It really helps us to be found among all the other content out there!  Have a great week!

A Little More Joy

Welcome! My Friends, to the Pointing Toward Hope Podcast/Blog!  I am Wendy Bertagnolli and I am your host for today’s podcast!  If this is your first time here, I’m so glad that you found us and hope you will stay a while. Go listen to past podcasts and feel the love that we share here.  I know that over the years we have done something that will touch your heart.  I talk a lot about finding hope and overcoming trials.  And we have had many guests that have shared their personal story of how the Savior has helped them to get through really difficult things in their lives.  There are so many that I could suggest that you go listen to but they all have a special place in my heart.  It’s kind of like trying to pick your favorite child.  There is just no way you can do that.  They are all so special.  And I am so grateful for all of the guests that we’ve had over the years.  

I wanted to just take a second and send out a request for more guests to come and be on the show.  You don’t have to live near me, we have the ability to do the show over the phone.  So if you have a phone, that’s all you need!  And part of our growth in trials, I have learned, comes by sharing what we’ve been through and how we’ve overcome.  And by doing that we help others to know that they are not alone. So please if you have ever thought about reaching out, please do, I would love to have you share your experiences.

I have been thinking a lot about what different topics we could share and I keep coming back to the same place!  And the Lord has whispered to me that it really doesn’t matter the topic.  Everyone!  Everyone has a story of something they have been through.  In fact I was listening to a song earlier today on my way home from the temple and I had to put it on repeat because it just really hit me hardl.  It is called “It wasn’t for nothing” by the band Jaren.  And it just reminded me of all that I have done with my trials over the years.  I have shed tears, I have wondered why me, I have searched and prayed for relief that sometimes took months or years to come.  And yet now that I can look back.  I see how many lives have been touched, even for just a small moment, by what I’ve been through and what I’ve overcome. There is a part in the song that says:

Someone will need to know, 

your story down the road, 

so you can look at them and say

it wasn’t for nothing,  the pain and the waiting, 

God heard when you called Him 

Just know that He’s using the hurt and the heartache 

for higher becoming, 

so you can look back and say, 

It wasn’t for nothing!

That just brings tears to my eyes because I know there have been so many times when I have tried to pray away the things that I’ve been through.  And yet I know that there is a higher purpose for it.  And I have become a new person because of the way that I have had to learn to live with my own diagnosis.   It hasn’t been easy and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  But I really have learned and grown and been able to help others through some really difficult times.  Just by sharing what I’ve been through.  And some of the things that I have learned because of it.  I praise God everyday for where I am now.  And I truly could not have gotten to this place without going through the hills and valleys over the past 10 years. Phew I did not expect that today!  It’s quite emotional when I look back at all that has transpired over the past 10 years.  

This is kind of a bit of reminiscing on my part today. I was sitting in the Celestial room of the temple today after my session and just feeling so full of the spirit.  I always like to say a little prayer and pop open the scriptures.  Bible or Book of Mormon, it doesn’t really matter I just grab one that is available.  Today it was the Book of Mormon and I popped it open to Alma Chapter 27, which just happens to be one of my favorite chapters.  I know, I know, I say that just about every episode.  And it’s true.  I have more than one favorite chapter.  But chapters 26-29 of Alma really are some of my most favorites and I have marked them up and notated so much that when I go back to read them it’s almost just as much fun to read over how these chapters have affected me over the years. My little notes in the sidebars and the dates that I read them on, really help me to see the growth that I’ve had.  And how God has answered my prayers.  

There is one notation that I made in Chapter 26 verse 3.  Apparently, it was in 2019 that I was first having the promptings that I should do a podcast/blog.  I read verse 3 and then in the sidebar I noted that this was an answer to my prayer.  That God was calling me to be an instrument in his hands to bring about His great work.  At the beginning of the verse Ammon is speaking and it says: Behold I answer for you.  And for me it was like the Lord was right there with me saying this is what I want for you.  Ammon goes on to say:

The Lamanites were in darkness, yea, even in the darkest abyss, but behold, how many of them are brought to behold the marvelous light of God! And this is the blessing which hath been bestowed upon us, that we have been made instruments in the hands of God to bring about this great work!

It wasn’t for nothing!  Being in that dark abyss of depression.  Because now I could help others to find the marvelous light of God! 

Now, I know I haven’t been the most consistent with my podcasting.  Especially this last couple of years.  They’ve been pretty difficult.  However, I know that myself and the guests we’ve had on the show have changed and touched lives.  And hopefully brought people a little bit of joy in an otherwise dreary time.

On another day in 2021 I found verse 7 (chapter 26) and exclaimed it my new favorite!  Apparently, I was having some difficult days at the time and I made a note after reading:

7 But behold they are in the hands of the Lord of the harvest, and they are His: and He will raise them up at the last day.

8 Blessed be the name of our God: let us sing to His praise, yea let us give thanks to his holy name for He doth work righteousness forever.

And the note that I made that day: My new favorite! My new protection Scripture. I am in the hands of the Lord of the harvest and I am his and He will raise me up at the last day!  

And if you are wondering what a protection scripture is, it’s one that you can turn to whenever you are feeling like you need that lift or the Lord’s help in your life.  A little protection against whatever it is that you are facing during that particular time.

What a blessing this book has been in my life.  I have just received so many answers to heartfelt pleas and I want that for everyone that is going through hard things.

Speaking of going through hard things.  Are you all feeling as rough as me right now with the world in such tumultuous times?  If there was ever a time when we need to feel peace and protection and joy, it is now.  Maybe that is why I was brought to these chapters today.  When I prayed today for help in preparing my podcast the talk from Elder Kearon of the 12 apostles from the last general conference, “Welcome to the church of Joy!”, immediately came into my mind.  So I grabbed my Liahona magazine and rapidly started highlighting and underlining every time he mentioned the word “joy”. I counted 22 times!  And I’m sure I probably missed a few.  I think he really wanted to drive home the point that we are in this life together and that church is a place where we should feel the joy and comradery of those with us and around us.  But that’s not how it’s always been for me or always is for that matter.  And I’m sure that you could say the same.  

In fact in verse 15 of Chapter 26 I mentioned in the side bar that this is the way that people with mental illness feel. It reads:

Yea they were encircled about with everlasting darkness and destruction;  But don’t we all feel like that at some point in our lives?  Maybe some of you are like me and are feeling that everlasting darkness in our world today.  To that I say let’s finish reading that scripture, it goes on to say:

But behold he has brought them into his everlasting light, yea into everlasting salvation: and they are encircled about with the matchless bounty of his love;

There was a time in my life that I definitely did not feel like I belonged to the church of Joy!

In fact I literally dreaded going to church. It was during a difficult time in my previous marriage.  I felt really alone and when I went to meetings I would sit alone and no one would sit by me.  I always felt like leaving and sometimes I did.  This went on for many years.  Until finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and I left the church of Joy.  Who wants to go to a church where there is no joy to be felt?  Have you ever felt that way?  Are you feeling that way now?  

Elder Kearon says in his talk “ Is the spirit of collective rejoicing what you find? Is this what you bring?  Maybe you think this doesn’t have much to do with you, or perhaps you are simply used to how things have always been done.

Well that sentence really hit me:  Is this what you bring?  Looking back I know it’s not what I brought.  I brought my anger and my whoa-is-me attitude.  I purposely sat by myself in the back row just daring anyone to sit by me.  I’m sure I had a scowl on my face and didn’t look particularly inviting to sit by.  Has that ever been you?  If so, maybe it’s time to try to see church in a different light. To ask yourself, what can I bring to church, not what can the church bring to me? 

Elder Kearon put it this way:  We do not gather on the Sabbath simply to attend sacrament meeting and check it off the list.  We come together to worship.  There is a significant difference between the two.  To attend means to be present at.  But to worship is to intentionally praise and adore our God in a way that transforms us.

Over the years, as I was away from the church in my own dark night of the soul, I found myself missing the friendship and comradery that happens inside those walls.  I began to long for that to be a part of my life again.  I wasn’t quite ready to enter those doors again.  But the stirrings of  joy in rejoicing and praise of our Savior had begun to spring up.  It would almost always surprise me, since I wasn’t attending church.  And didn’t know at the time, if I ever would again. 

I would see a woman from my local church at the pool in our neighborhood and I knew that she knew that I was a member who didn’t attend.  I secretly wished that she would come up and talk to me. But I would avoid making eye contact.  How silly is that?  Have you ever done something like that?

When I eventually did find my way back to church, it was such a different experience.  The people in my church were always happy and excited to see us (my husband came with me even though he was not yet a member).  They would invite us to sit with them and were always smiling and happy.  It truly was contagious and made us want to be there.  There was one particular couple that always made space for us on their bench and we felt so safe and loved with them.  They were an older couple without children and we always just felt so safe with them.

In fact they have since moved away and whenever they come back to visit, they make it a point to always stop by and visit us.  We feel so loved by them and it truly is a joyful time when we see each other.

Another time that I remember feeling so much joy was when I seen a woman that I went to church with several years before at a grocery store.  It had been many years and I seen her from far away.  Have you ever had that feeling of “I know that person, but I just can’t place her?”  That’s how it was until she came running up to me and gave me a huge hug.  I remember having actual tears of joy come to my eyes, I was so happy to see her again.  That’s how being at church and in the presence of others whom we know and love should feel for us.  And that’s how we should make others feel when we see them as well.  I want to be more of that type of person.  

Oftentimes we are running late when we arrive at our destinations.  Or when we are at church we might be running off right after our meetings to get to other classes.  We don’t slow down and notice those around us who may need the simple lift of a smile and a hello!  Connection with others is so important in our spiritual and emotional development.

Imagine our world if we greeted eachother with joy and excitement every time we met! It would be beautiful if we could be free from contention and malice in our society.  Even with differing opinions, backgrounds, political leanings, and whatnot, we can all be a little more kind.  A little more understanding and a little more respectful.  

I like what Elder Kearon says about the original plan of our loving Father in Heaven.

He writes: Because of the loving plan of our Heavenly Father for each of His children, and because of the redeeming life and mission of our Saviour, Jesus Christ, we can—and should—be the most joyful people on earth! Even as the storms of life in an often-troubled world pound upon us, we can cultivate a growing and abiding sense of joy and inner peace because of our hope in Christ and our understanding of our own place in the beautiful plan of happiness.

And I must state that this is not something that just happens just inside our church walls.  It is happening every minute of everyday as we work to better ourselves from the inside out.  And much of that inside joy and beauty comes from the way that we treat and respect others. There are so many ways that we can connect with others or stay connected.

With technology so readily available to us to just pick up the phone or send a quick text. The Lord is making it easier and easier for us to make and keep connections.

For many of my good friends, we like to go on “walk and talks”.  We spend an hour outdoors in the sunshine enjoying being in one another’s presence.  It looks like just what it sounds like.  We walk and chat and in so doing we lift and buoy eachother up amidst the struggles and busy-ness of the day.

I have had several friends whom I’ve walked with for years and some have moved away.  We try our best to stay in touch and continue to bring joy into eachothers lives. One such friend, that I deeply admire, moved more recently.  And it was hard.  We’d become so close!  So we decided that a good way to stay in touch was to continue our walk and talks from afar.  We had our first one a few weeks ago and it worked out so well.  We both went out in our respective neighborhoods, put in our earbuds and chatted on the phone while we walked. It was divine.  When I heard her voice a huge smile spread across my face and I could feel her smiling through the phone.  I know that for both of us, it was a much needed reprieve from the day to day worries and craziness of life.

What I really want to say is that I know our lives were ment to be spent on so much more than scrolling our phones and being consumed with life.  Our Savior wants us to have joy.  He wants us to bring joy to others.  And we are all a part of His grand plan of Happiness.

Just to sum things up. I want to share another scripture.  In this passage Ammon is speaking of the conversion of many of their Lamanites brothers and sisters.This is also in Chapter 27 of Alma vese 27 and it reads: 

And they were among the people of Nephi, and also numbered among the people who were of the church of God. And they were also distinguished for their zeal towards God and also towards men; for they were perfectly honest and upright in all things, and they were firm in the faith of Christ, enven unto the end.

I want that for myself!  I want that for each of you.  And again in verse 30 it states:

And thus they were a zealous and beloved people, a highly favored people of the Lord! 

What a joyous way to live! I had to look up the word zeal because you know I’m a words person.  And in the side bar I noted that it means: devoted, diligent, dedicated, fervent, passionate and eager! Doesn’t having a friend like that just sound awesome?

What if we all tried to live our lives in this way?  I imagine that!   Our homes, workplaces, churches, even grocery stores would be places of the utmost joy.

Is it realistic to be filled with joy always? Of course not, but we can definitely make more of an effort to fill our cups and the cups of others with a little more hope, a little more kindness, a little more respect and a lot more joy!

That’s it for today, friends! As I mentioned earlier, if you have ever thought about sharing your story with others so that you can join me in proclaiming that you are never, ever, alone in your trials and challenges.  Please reach out and we will set up a time to get you on the show.  Remember to like and share. Have a great week everyone!

All in the Lord’s Timing

Hello and welcome to the Pointing Toward Hope Podcast/blog!  If this is your first time here, I hope you will find something that helps you to gain hope and healing in whatever you may be experiencing at this time in your life.  I encourage you to let the spirit be your guide. I know because of my own experiences, that the Lord will embrace and love you as you come to Him with your deepest and most heartfelt concerns.

In this episode I hope to put anxious minds to rest concerning trials and hardships that you may be facing. And help you to realize that God’s timing is not our timing.  But his timing is perfect!  Though it’s difficult to be in a waiting period, I know that if we put our trust in Him we can find peace. 

I wanted to start out with the scripture from Isaiah 55:8-9 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

It will be 10 years this September since I was originally diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder.  And boy has it ever been a journey of ups and downs, and ins and outs!  Looking back, I honestly can’t believe how far I have come and how much I have learned.  Not just about mental health and well being.  But, more importantly about the atonement and the plan of salvation.  My testimony of our Savior and His gospel has grown so much.  I kind of feel like it’s been similar to Jack’s beanstalk at times.  Growing so quickly that I couldn’t keep up.  

And then at other times, I felt distant from my Savior and His love. Sometimes for many days or even months at a time.  And I know I’m not alone in those feelings.  Because I’ve heard from many of you about the hardships and hearbreaks that come sometimes when we are striving and striving to live the gospel and things are just HARD. 

I wanted to share one such story that started a chain of events that took years to come to fruition.  

As you know I started my blog way back in 2017.  Can you believe it?  I sure can’t.  One thing is for sure, time just keeps rolling along no matter what is happening in our lives. I have been consistent at times and very inconsistent at others, as you know if you  have followed me for any length of time.  

I can honestly tell you that the times when I am most consistent, are the times when I feel the strongest spiritually.  And when I feel strong spiritually, I tend to feel strong physically as well.  Funny how those two things seem to go hand in hand. 

So recently, my husband and I have been doing a joint project that has been a long time in the making.  And it all started way back when I was finding my way back to the church and he was finding his way to the Savior and his gospel. 

So my husband grew up playing the guitar and had several bands that he was a part of.  He even opened for Paula Abdul one year!  His claim to fame before his band broke up.  He struggled for lots of years to build his dream of song writing and making music for others to enjoy.  And then he had kids.  And as you may know, having a family just changes things.

Of course that was an amazing time for him, I tell him all the time what a good dad he is, and that’s the truth.  There are not many like him.   So obviously, his music took a back seat for a lot of years.

I remember driving in the car with him one day and having the distinct impression that his songwriting days were not over.  And that God had plans for him to share his music and his new found love of the Savior with many.  Well, that impression happened probably around 9 years ago.  But it has never left me.  

So when he came to me last year after one of my trips to Utah and told me that he’d written a chorus to a song while I was gone, I was delighted.  and when he played it, I cried.  It is so beautiful and perfect!  He told me that he had been wanting to write again and that he wanted me to help. 

Well other than playing the piano, I know nothing about writing music.  But I was more than happy to encourage him in any way that he needed.  But he insisted that he needed my help.  He said, and I kid you not, “You’ve got to have some good stuff in all the journaling you do!” 

Haha, He’s not wrong…. I do have good stuff in my journals and lots of spiritual experiences.  But I don’t write poems or lyrics so I didn’t quite know what he wanted.  But I started to go through some journals looking for something that might be of help to him.

And the song that he was working on just kind of sat for a while with just a chorus that was amazing.

SOOOO, back to my story about the chain of events that led to our first song together.  Which incidentally, is NOT the song that just had a chorus!  God had other plans.  As He always does.

Years ago when I first started to write my blog. I was into probably 6 months or a year.  I had a woman contact me by phone out of the blue one day.  I remember it distinctly, because she had a pleading in her voice that I recognized as my own during some difficult times. 

She said she’d been reading my blog and felt impressed to get in touch with me.  She was struggling with some pretty difficult mental health challenges and so she related with some of what I had written.  

Well one thing led to another and we actually became wonderful friends!  We would walk and talk.  And learned so much about each other.  One day she shared with me a scripture that I’d like to share with you.  It comes from Alma chapter 42:30.  This is a chapter that specifically talks about repentance and the atonement.  And it reads: 

O my son, I desire that ye should deny the justice of God no more.  Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point because of your sins, by denying the justice of God; but do you let  the justice of God, and his mercy and his long suffering have full sway in your heart; and let it bring you down to the dust in humility.”

My friend explained that she felt like she was not giving the Lord “full sway” in her life and that she needed to be better at doing that.  We talked it over and I remember thinking what a cool perspective that was.  And then we went on with our lives and I didn’t think about that scripture again.

That is, until I came across it a few years later in my personal studies.  I remembered our talk about it and made note of it in my scriptures and in my study journal.  I remember that I wrote “FULL SWAY” in big letters and squared it and highlighted it.  Because this time I wanted to do that same thing.  I wanted to give the Lord Full sway and let his mercy and long suffering have more of an impact in my life. Well that was back in 2021!

Now back to talking about the Lord being right on time.

Last year, so 2024, was when Joe and I first began talking about writing together and he mentioned my journals. So I was going through them and finding literally nothing (bascially because I didn’t know what I was looking for). I left them out on the counter one day open to the specific page that had “FULL SWAY” written on it.  Well he saw it, unbeknown to be.  And thought that’s it!  That would be a great song.  

He mentioned it to me and asked about the story surrounding it.  So we talked about it and he told me that he thought it would be a great song.  I said, yes but we need to get the other one done first, lol!  Again that Lord had other plans.  

So at this point it had been nearly 8 years since I originally heard the scripture about full sway.  And one day we were working on the lyrics for  the other song that had just a chorus.  We wrote a verse. Joe would play and then I would write something, and then he would improve upon it and that’s kind of how it went.  

We were making good progress, and then right then and there Joe started strumming out a melody.  Apparently, he had been thinking about full sway over and over again.  It just wouldn’t leave his mind.  So he is strumming this melody and I said, “Let me record that, it’s so beautiful.”  And he said, “we have to write this song now!”  This song really wants to be written.  Well  looking back I think the correct phrasing is that “God really wanted that song to be written”.  It was the right time!  In fact it was such the right time that we had to turn the page on the other song and begin writing right then and there. So we wrote and wrote and It was amazing how quickly it seemed to come together. We got most of it  done, but something was just missing and we couldn’t figure out what.  We had a “bridge”, but it just didn’t feel right.

One night about a week or so later, I was asked by the siste missionaries for our church, to visit a family that was learning about the gospel.  They asked both of us to go, but for some reason Joe was unable to go that night. So I went and when we got there it was just crazy town.  Kids running everywhere and dad was not home yet to help.  I think I told this story in a recent podcast about how when truth is being shared, Satan works the hardest to intervene.  Anyway, it was an excellent experience and the spirit was so strong.  We met up with dad on the way out and ended up talking for another half an hour.  

About that time, I received a text from Joe.  “I got the bridge done!”  Turns out he just needed some alone time with the Lord.  The bridge of this song is my most favoirtie part.  I am going to play the song at the end of this podcast and you will see why.  A bridge is a section of a song that transitions between two parts, often with a new perspective or sound. Bridges can add variety, tension, or a new dimension to a song’s narrative.  And this one does just that!  It creates a whole new dimension to the song.  He played it for me when I got home, and I cried again.

Even though we had now finished the song.  The hard part had just begun.  Joe had this huge vision of what he wanted the song to be like.  Strings, choir, guitars, drums.  So now he had to go about producing all of this with different software programs and finding singers.  And that took probably another 4 months or so.

When we finally got it finished and uploaded to all of the platforms, Full Sway ended up coming out on Christmas Day 2024!  I couldn’t think of a more fitting and perfect time for this particular song to be released.  On the day that we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, His atoning sacrifice for us and all that it means to us. It was God’s perfect timing.  

Since then we have had thousands of streams and many have added our song to playlists and favorites.  We still have high hopes that others will want to “cover” the song and make it even more impactful!  

We have since finished another song called Holy King of Kings.  Both can be found wherever you listen to music.  And we do have a youtube channel called Angels roud about us.  But we haven’t really promoted that yet because we only have one song up there so far.  

So funny little side note, we still have not finished the first song,lol.  I guess it’s just not the right time yet.  We’ve got all of the lyrics, though something just feels missing.  I’m sure the Lord will let us know what that is when He’s ready.  

This scripture, Alma 42:30 has had a large impact in my friend’s life, in our lives, and now I’m sure in the lives of many others.  But it was years in the making!  And sometimes that is how the Lord works.  His ways are not our ways.  But his timing is always right on time.

Thanks for listening/reading!  Please like and share the podcast, and our songs, specifically on Spotify if you can.  It really helps the algorithm reach more people.  We know this is a song that needs to be heard.  We hope you like it! 

Distractions and Divine Purpose

You can listen to this post here.

Well hello everyone!  It is so good to be back!  I have been so, so, sick these past few weeks and haven’t been able to even speak for a portion of the time.  I have missed talking with you, my friends! And I’m happy to be back. It seems that just when I was ready to pick things back up again, this happened and put a halt to it all once again.  But I’m determined to get back on track and be able to visit with you regularly again.

I have been thinking so much about divine potential lately, and how the adversary works so hard to keep us from reaching it!  I feel like it is a very, very important topic that is so, so prevalent in our society today.  We are pulled in so many different directions every, single, day!!!!  It is a never ending battle that we as women and men in the gospel of Jesus of Christ will deal with even more intensity as the world gets darker and the enemy gets stronger.  

It is a valiant fight.  And one of the important principles that I want to bring out is that we are never, ever, alone in this battle. This is a fight to find and live our divine purpose as followers of Christ.  We need each other.  We need our Savior.  And we need personal revelation.  And in learning to receive that personal revelation there WILL be miracles.  It’s just the way of the Savior. He is a God of miracles.  

We can witness those miracles everyday in our individual lives if we allow Him to work wonders for us.  We have been given so many resources to help us in our daily lives and that list of resources is increasing at a rapid pace.

One of those resources is given to every member of the church at a certain time in their life.  And that is their patriarchal blessing.  I cherish my blessing and have read it thousands of times.  It is worn and marked and I learn new things every time I study it.  I keep a copy of it just inside the cover of my Book of Mormon so that when I am studying my scriptures, it is a constant reminder of the importance of my own personal scripture from God. That is how significantly I view my blessing.  There are elements in my blessing that have been such a strength to me throughout my life and statements that I fall back to all the time.  It helps me in times of sadness and trial as well as in times of joy and peace.

But the main reason that I wanted to bring it up today is because I believe within every blessing we are given instructions on how to cope, overcome, and rise above the distractions and cunning ways of the adversary in our lives that cloud our ability to see and live up to our divine potential that we have each been sacredly endowed with by our Savior Jesus Christ.

So today I want to talk about distractions, our divine purpose, personal revelation, and the importance that remembrance plays in all of our endeavors concerning living our divine purpose. And Scriptures that give us insight into our divine purpose and maybe a little plug for journaling because that’s how we remember our sacred experiences.

I hope that in this episode, you will be able to find some peace and strength to endure whatever struggle it is that you may be experiencing.  And if you are blessed to be in a time when your burdens are light… I hope that you will look around and see how you can be a miracle for someone else in their personal battle against the distractions and trials of our day and time. 

I wanted to share a little part of my blessing with you today because it concerns my own personal struggle with my divine potential and it is a part of my blessing that I find a little humor in. 

There is a little known fact about me that I don’t share often. But in this case for the purpose of this particular experience I must share this fact.  Back in the day,,,,think early 2000s, I got caught up in the pageant industry.  I was married with young children at the time and had always been intrigued by pageants.  But I never had a chance to participate in them when I was a teen.  

Well, I was a young mom who had finally managed to get all my babies in school full time and I was looking for a way to get me out of my comfort zone.  A friend who had competed in the Mrs. pageant system suggested I get involved.  It sounded like a great way for me to really “find” myself and get out in my community and serve at the same time.  So I jumped on board. 

I didn’t have any experience with pageants, but I quickly learned that it is more about the journey than the destination.  That’s where the most growth occurs.  However, seeking that elusive crown is a big motivator, lol.  Long story short, I competed in 2000 and made 1st runner up.  Well that was just too close for me, so I ran again the next year and won the crown!  It was a great experience for the most part.  But I will never forget how the Lord chastened me (and maybe joked a little bit) one day as I was reading my blessing.  I won’t share it word for word because our blessings are sacred and personal.  But, there is a part of the blessing that talks about how I will share my light with others and that the gospel will “pilot” me on making life successful and in meriting the “crown” that is rightly mine to inherit….  

When I came across that line I had to chuckle a little because I was about to get on a plane and be piloted to Tennessee where I would compete for a national title, wearing a physical crown that I had earned over those past two years.  It was like the Lord was reminding me the “crown” I should actually be chasing, was not a physical crown at all.  What a great lesson that was for me.  I keep that physical crown in a box of momentos to remind me of how hard I worked to earn it, but also to remind me of the REAL crown that I will one day receive should I remain faithful and true to my covenants in this life and live up to my own divine potential.  

That journey has definitely been full of twists and turns and ups and downs.  With both wins and losses.  But I find that as I try to stay true to my covenants and be faithful, that I have more joy and strength to get through the crazy deceptive ways of the adversary on a daily basis.  

But it is definitely an ongoing struggle.  As I am sure it is for you as well.

I want to encourage you, if you have not read your blessing in a while, get it out.  Read through it, study it, ponder it.  Highlight and underline things that stand out to you.  I believe you will find that the Lord has given you nuggets of gold to help you endure and make this life successful.  But sometimes we do really have to dig in to find them. And sometimes we will find a part that means something different at one time in our life than another.  That’s why we need to be reading and studying them often.  And that’s one way that we can also step away from social media and the ways of the world, and step into our own personal revelation and find ways to remember our own divine potential and how to live up to it.

One woman that I truly admire in our faith is Emma Smith!  I recently read in the Doctrine and Covenants section 25 the revelation given to her from God, through her husband, the Prophet Joseph Smith.  You can find the link to Emma’s entire blessing that is posted on the church website here blessing.  

I believe we can all learn a lot from that revelation about how to live up to our divine potential.  I found so many good things to remind me of how to do that, starting with the very first word, “hearken”.  Which caught my attention right away.  I looked up the word because I thought it curious that the Lord would use that specific word.  Some of the definitions said… “listen up”, “be all ears”, “pay attention”!  Well that got my attention.  This is something really, really important. It’s a short 16 verses. But boy is it packed with ways to remind us of how we can each live up to and achieve our full potential. I especially love verse 10 where it says, “lay aside the things of this world, and seek for things of a better”.  It is such a short statement, but can literally change our lives.  

In reference to that verse, I specifically marked the footnote to the word “better” and it said to look up “reward” in the topical guide. So I did and some of the words that stuck out to me are benefit, profit, and wouldn’t you know it “crown”!

Like wise, in verse15 it says something remarkably similar to my own blessing where it again mentions… a crown of righteousness thou shalt receive.  Is there any doubt how important God’s daughters are to Him?  He sees us all as queens and we should see ourselves that way as well.

All of that  reminded me of scripture in 2 Timothy 4:8 Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: And I just love the thought of that!

However, In our world today, we can be easily deceived by Satan’s schemes and evilness. Doom scrolling on social media and other internet apps can be so draining to our spirit.  We need to be extremely careful about what we allow our minds to take in.  Because it can literally be “mind numbing”, and spiritually numbing. We need to protect ourselves.  We need to be intentional about what we let into our minds.  

We have the ability to train our algorithms by what we search for.  Did you know that? What we search for creates an instant playlist for what we will be shown. So we need to be cautious and careful.

There are a few rules that we can look to, that I learned from Sister Emily Freeman.  If it causes you to doubt God or think less of yourself as a person, unfollow. If it causes you to be less satisfied or discouraged, unfollow.  If it causes you to question yourself in a way that you normally would not have, unfollow.  And I would add if it is not uplifting to your spirit, unfollow.

On the other hand there are really good things to be found if we are looking in the right places on social platforms.  For example this is my little plug for an instagram account that I follow called Inklings.institute.  It is a weekly study of what the prophet has asked of us to study after each conference session.  We will study a specific topic for 6 months (until the next conference), learning all that we can with a deep dive into pieces of that subject.  

That was the reason that I was recently studying Section 25.  A couple of weeks ago, (week 06 on the Inklings institute page),the topic was all about section 25 and the talk that Sister Emily Belle Freeman, Young Women General Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, gave. 

This study on Inklings Institute is led by Emily Belle Freeman. Can you tell how much I love this woman? I was able to hear her speak in a Time out for women conference a few years ago and even got have a photo with her that I treasure. Oh what a wealth of knowledge and goodness she has to share with us. In one week recently, she said, “Women bring a gentleness, wisdom, intuition, and a depth of knowledge to the table that we sometimes forget.” -Emily Belle Freeman- 

I loved that statement because it just reminds us of how much each of us have to offer. I don’t know why, but we as women tend to diminish our value so easily.  And so that just really made me think about the things that I bring to the table as a daughter of a King.  I mean even that mere statement, “Daughter of a King” should help us to recognize that we are divine and we do have a designated place in the kingdom of our Father.    

Going back to Emma.  In Doctrine and Covenants section 25 of which I referred to was a revelation given for her through Joseph, from what I understand, letters were exchanged between he and Emma while Joseph was in hiding because of all the persecution upon the saints.  Emma had desired a blessing.  So Joseph told Emma to write up the desires of her heart because he was unable to give her that blessing at that time.  And that when he returned he would sign the blessing.  In her own words, found in the blessing that I linked above, state, “ (Emma speaking) “These desires of my heart were called forth by Joseph sending me word that he had not the time to write as he would like, but I could write out the best blessing I could think of and he would sign the same on his return.”

A few years back I was encouraged by a therapist to write a letter to my younger self.  The one that thought, at the time, that I was such a failure in so many ways..  So I took that upon me.  I stumbled across it recently, and I was brought to tears as I described the blessings that had come over the years along with trials and heartbreak.  But what an amazing exercise that was to help me discover that with every trial there is and equal or greater blessing in store.  That would be something you could try as well.

I also highly encourage you to go and read Emma’s blessing along with section 25 because I think that you will find that many of her desires are things that we, today, desire.  So this section is very applicable to us as women searching for our divinity. It can also give us inspiration and guidance as to how we can rise above the cunning ways of the adversary each and every day.

The very first sentence, I believe, perfectly states what each of us want. It then gives us the exact anecdote to find that.  In this example I am referring to the blessing Emma wrote for herself.

I don’t want to share all of it because I really want you to go study and read it yourself.  We all are in so many different stages of life and the words  are going to hit differently for each one of us.  But what I got out of it was that her greatest desire was to be able to be all that the Lord wanted her to be so that at the end of the day she would have no regrets.  And then she says, “nor neglect the performance of any act that would bring a blessing.”  That sounds like ministering and serving to me.  

That is another significant way that you can avoid Satan’s cunning ways.  you can reach out and serve others, pray for them, and love on them, in ways that only you can do.  

I have so many stories, many that I have shared on the podcast, about when I have acted on certain impressions to serve and the miracles came because of listening to those promptings. But the main thing I want to stress about that is to always be willing to share.  Sometimes our current situation and timing won’t allow us to take on all of the promptings. But I think our willingness to do so, if we could,will go a long way.

One scripture that has helped me so much, is found in Mosiah 24:13-14.

I’m not going to put the whole scripture here.  But in essence what it says is that “… I the Lord have covenanted with you that I will take care of you so that you may “stand as a witness hereafter”.

So whenever I am asked to do something or prompted to do something for someone that is good and right I always think about this scripture and it reminds me that the Lord is keeping HIs part of the covenant. He is taking care of me in so many ways, and given me so many blessings, that the least I can do is stand as a witness and help someone in their time of need.  Am I perfect at it?  Heavens, no! I wish I could say that I am. Life is hard and busy and full of so many distractions.  It takes effort to be able to serve and fulfill callings and promptings.  But remember President Nelson’s words, “The Lord Loves Effort!”

Speaking of scriptures as a resource, I saw a mime reel recently about scripture study that was comical, but at the same time, not, because it is so true.  It shows how it would look if we treated our scriptures like we treat our phones.  Would we carry them in our pockets, in our cars, run back to get them if we forget them?  Would we take every opportunity to open them just to see what’s happening?

I’ll have to see if I can find it and post it on my stories because it really makes you think. And it will make you laugh a little too at the irony of it.

So I guess what I’m trying to point out is to find things like scriptures, service, patriarchal blessings, temple attendance, etc. that will lift your spirit and ignite your soul.  Instead of making you feel mindless and numb and insignificant. Look for things that will help you to see the you, that you can BECOME not the you that wants to be like every other person or influencer of the day.  

You have divine and special God-given gifts and talents that only you can give.  Which is part of your journey to inherit that special “crown” that I have talked about today.  

One last note before I sign off for now. Well maybe two,lol. First, do you know how many times the word remember is in the scriptures?  I haven’t counted, but I would say hundreds.  Why is that?  The Lord wants us to remember who we are, who we are meant to BECOME.  It’s so important to use these resources that we have been blessed with to help us be reminded daily.  And that includes a journal of your most sacred experiences with the Lord, serving and standing as His witness.  You know me, I love journals so I can’t do this episode without giving them a plug.  Especially since the new year is right around the corner and you can make a goal to write more in one.

And Second, we are about to come up on a new year.  What better time than now to start living up to our divine potential.  A chinese proverb says, “The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago!  The second best time is today!”  

It’s never too late to start working toward your BECOMING. toward your “crown” of righteousness. Don’t worry about the past years that you may not have  fulfilled your desires.  Just move forward now and know that ALL of your journey has purpose.  

Let’s work together to fight the evils of our day.  To use all of our resources and especially our personal revelation to help build up the kingdom of God on the Earth today.  Let’s be all in, in 2025 and beyond! I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy New year!  This will be my last podcast of 2024 but I will definitely be with you again Next year! Have a great couple of weeks my friends.  Talk to you all again soon!

Heaven is Aware

September 8, 2024

Welcome to the pointing toward hope Blog!  You can listen to this on my podcast here.

Well hello my friends!  How has everyone been?  As you may have noticed, I have been MIA for the past almost 2 years.  And what a 2 years it has been.  My mental health has been on a bit of a roller coaster ride and it’s taken A LOT to get things to a stable spot again.  

Plus, I decided to take a year off and study graphic design, in a mastermind course.  So there was that as well, that was very time consuming.  More on that later.  But goodness, I have missed spending time with all of you and hope that I can make up for it in the coming months.  

I have certainly learned a lot over this past few years.  And I’m anxious to get back in there and share my experiences in the hopes of helping others who also struggle, continuing where we left off.  I really do believe that we have obstacles, trials, and challenges in our path that can either make us bitter or better!  And I hope that I, and all of you can truly work to make things better in most of our challenges. Because as I always say, with the help of our Savior, we can do anything, right?!  

So let’s just get this party started!  But before we jump back in, let me just back up a little bit. Because some of you may be new here.  And if that’s the case. Welcome!  I’m so happy you came to join us.  A little bit about me and the reason that I started this podcast is because almost 10 years ago I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar.  And that diagnosis just really threw me for a loop.  I was not ready for it, and it pretty much came out of nowhere.  No thanks to myself though. Because looking back on it, I pulled just about every trigger I could to create the perfect storm.  

I have suffered from depression for years.  Really siince my kids were tiny.  And they are all adults now with kids of their own. And I’d been on so many medications over those mothering years that I lost count.  But I did get to the point that I found one that seemed to work well for me.  And I was on it for about 10 years. Pretty much through most of their teenage years.  Which was a really big blessing, because if you are in that stage, you know how busy that can be running kids here, there, and everywhere.  So there really was no time to be ill.  And by that point, I’d come to accept that I would probably be on medication for the rest of my life.

Fast forward 10 years or so and I’d gone through a difficult divorce, moved across the country,  gotten remarried and was living comfortably and happy.  My husband and I were about 2 years into our marriage when things took a drastic turn and I ended up in the psychiatric ward in downtown nashville. 

It took us both very much by surprise.  But the Lord knew that it needed to happen.  Because that is what started my journey back to Him and His gosple. And had it not been for the breakdown, I doubt that my husband would have joined me on that spiritual re-awakining. 

Consequently, we began visiting with the sister missionaries in our home.  And 6 months later my husband was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints! And a little over a year later we were sealed in the Nashville Temple for time and all eternity.  And that was a pivotal point in our marriage. And one that has brought so many blessings into our lives.

It’s been a wonderful 7 years since then, for the most part.  It has not been without struggle for sure.  Learning to live with and manage any type of illness is never easy or without bumps in the road. Combine that with my husband  learning a whole new cultural language being a brand new member of the church, we’ve had some very memorable moments, to say the least.

So that catches us up a little bit.  And if you want to know more about the experiences that I just mentioned.  My podcast is full of stories about my journey with Bipolar and coming back to the church.  In fact just a few episodes back #61 I interviewed my husband.  And we kind of walked through this whole experience. So you’ll have to check that one out.

Alright, so let’s get into this.  I’ve been having the little promptings of getting my podcast back up and going for probably 6ish months.  But right as I was preparing to start back in…. Boom I had a pretty severe climb into the manic side of my illness.  Luckily, I did not end up in the hospital this time.  But it has been a journey to get back to a good healthy point.   And since that happened I have been thinking a lot about mercy and grace. Heaven knows that I have had a huge dose of both, this past year and a half.  

In the late winter months of 2023 and early 2024 I became lower than I have been in a long, long time.  As I look back I can see that I had stopped doing alot of the routine habits that I became accustomed to doing to keep me healthy.  I had stopped journaling regularly.  I wasn’t drinking my water like I always have.  I had stopped my scripture study (or at least become really sporadic). I wasn’t eating the best foods.  And stress had become an issue.

I talk about all the habits we can do to stay healthy mentally in several of my podcasts. so going back to some of those podcasts helped me to see the reasons that I was struggling. But I was so down that it was difficult to keep up with trying to develop and create those habits again.  

I remember at one point, I was so low and felt just broken and beaten down.  I knelt at my bed that night and said a two  sentence prayer.  “Lord, I need to know you see me. Please, I just need strength!”  I dropped into bed and in the morning I didn’t get up early like I usually do.  I felt like crying all the time.  But I had decided that today was going to be different.  As I lay there not wanting to get up, I decided what I really needed was to practice some self care.  My family had gone to a soccer game (I had declined to join them), so I was all alone.  

I thought to myself, I’m just going to have a good healthy breakfast, take a nice hot bath, maybe watch a chick flick.  Basically, just not worry about all the things that I had put on my plate over the last several months.  I was feeling pretty stressed (which is another practice that needed attention).  So I did those things, but instead of watching a movie, I decided to create something pretty.  I was working on bracelets at the time, for a craft show that I signed up to sell them at. And making beautiful things just makes me feel better.  I’m a blingy girly girl, what can say?

Looking back I had so many red flags happening and I’d just become so accustomed to being healthy that I wasn’t thinking.  Plus, I really do believe sometimes this podcast is more for me than anyone else.  I’m able to look back and listen and be reminded of the things I said and did during healthy times.  It had been nearly 9 years since my last hospitalization for mania.That was when I was officially diagnosed. And my bouts with depression had been manageable up until those winter months.

So maybe that will help you understand why the experience I’m about to describe hit me almost as hard as the original diagnosis.

I had spoken with my dr. and we had decided the week before this experience that it was time to increase dosages on one of my medications, since I was so down.  And for those of you that don’t know, when you start or increase a medication, the effects are usually not noticeable for several days.  So it had been a week or so and I was still feeling pretty blue.

As I sat there on the floor in my makeshift guest, slash, craft room designing the bracelet, I got a text from a friend from high school.  This person was my best friend in high school and we’ve been in and out of touch over the years.  But over the past 5 or so years we have gotten closer and we speak every month or so.  But I hadn’t spoken to her for probably 4 months.  

When someone is depressed, they tend to isolate themselves from everyone and everything.  I am no different in that respect.  And so I had not really reached out to any of my friends for support. In fact I had withdrawn from them and canceled walks, feigned sickness etc. to avoid going out.  

So as I sat there on the floor, my phone dinged.   I picked up my phone and the text just said.   “Wendy!  How are you doing?”

It’s important to note that although I tend to isolate myself during these times.  I also long for someone to contact me, to just reach out and see how I am.  And because this person is such a dear friend I knew that she understood me.  So I said, “Hey!  I’m OK…”  She pretty rapidly answered and asked, “wait, just ok?”  What’s up?  So I told her what was happening and how I’d been struggling lately.  It took several minutes for her to text back, and I thought.  “Great! I’ve scared her off”  But then my phone dinged and I lifted it to read her message. My eyes filled with uncontrollable tears as I read the words, “No wonder, your name came to me so forcefully this morning!  She said, “Heaven is Aware”!  I couldn’t even finish reading the text because I was so overcome with emotion.  It was exactly what I had asked God to show me, when I was on my knees the night before.  “Heaven is aware”.  

It’s hard to explain what happened next, but it was like suddenly I could see how people had been placed in my path over the past few months at just the right time.  Or a friend called and said she was on her over to walk with me.  Or someone had made a special effort to send me a sweet text. It was as if, for that little moment in time, I was able to see in to the other side of the veil where angels were working so hard to put people in the right place and the right time, to help me…. To save me.  And I was just overcome by the magnitude and power that the Savior holds to care for the “one”.  

In  Elder Patrick Kearon’s talk from the April 2024 conference called God’s intent is to Bring You Home.  He said this, “God is in relentless pursuit of you. He “wants all of His children to choose to return to Him,” and He employs every possible measure to bring you back.”  

And I can tell you from that moment and for several days afterward I felt the spirit penetrate my soul.  Bearing witness of the truth of those words over and over in my mind and heart.  I knew, He did see me!  I knew He was aware of my struggles,  and I knew that with Him, I would get through this difficult time. That I would be able to have the strength that I’d so desperately pleaded for.   And that started my climb out of the depths of my depression.  

Unfortunately, it was not a climb that I expected or wanted.  In fact it was like I had jumped on a trampoline really hard and hit the “bottom” and just bounced into the danger zone of mania!  It didn’t happen right away but within a few weeks.  

I steadily bounced higher and higher over the coming days.  I started taking on more projects and spending money to support these projects.  As I mentioned earlier, I was preparing for a big craft show to be held a few weeks from that time.  It was mid February at this point, and little did I know that the increase in my medication coupled with all the stress I was piling on was causing another perfect storm. 

Add to that, an incredible spiritual experience (those always tend to lift us up), and a few nights of terrible sleeping, and I started to become euphoric.  It was at that point that my husband became concerned and to be honest, I was a little concerned myself.  I didn’t understand how I could have gone from being at my lowest point, to now feeling on top of the world.  What a predicament I’d gotten myself into. Again.

To make a long story short, my husband and I  have a plan in place for when things like this happen.  So when he approached me with his concerns, I told him I felt the same.  We immediately put our plan into action.  Within about a week I’d gotten several good nights and days of sleep, had contacted my dr. and the process of healing once again had begun.  

Que to the next 5 months of unexpected trial and error to get my medications stablized and help me sleep.  I was not prepared to experience side effects with so many medications in a fairly short period of time.  I think I went through 5 different medications over the next 5 months before I came to my wits end.  

Broken and defeated, I had a prompting that I needed to find a new dr. One that was closer to me as well as someone that specializes in Bipolar cases. I had lost trust in my dr.  as he had never had the experience of treating me when I was in crisis mode. 

I started to wonder why on Earth I had not just gotten back on the medication that I had been on originally.  My Dr. had called it our backup plan.  I suppose he thought we could find something better.  And I trusted him. But looking back on the whole ordeal…. I really should have trusted myself more and requested to be put back on it sooner.  

But as I always say, our struggles are there to teach us. To help us grow.  And hopefully help us to be able to help others. And I also believe that the Lord wants us to be in the best position possible for us to improve and become stronger in all ways… physically, mentally, and spiritually.  It’s not always easy.  In fact, it’s pretty much never easy!  

So I followed that prompting and I found a new Dr.  And for the first time ever in the years that I’ve had Bipolar, I was able to get an appt. Within a week.  And also for the first time ever, when I met my new Dr. I knew it was a good fit right away.  I honestly have never felt so validated in my experiences with Bipolar.  Turns out, my Dr. has it too! At first I was a little apprehensive about trusting her.  And immediately I realized I’d let the stigma rule my judgement.  But she put me at ease right away as she began to talk about her reason for choosing this as her specialty.  As well as, showing me right away that she understood what I was going through.  

Not only that, she is so knowledgeable! Within minutes of me sitting down in the chair facing her, while her fingers tapped away notes about our conversation, she pinpointed the reason for my mania!  And it made complete sense to me.  We adjusted dosages that day and within a week I felt a noticeable difference.  It’s been a little over a month since Mandy Gentry and I met.  And I feel like I’ve known her all my life.  

Does God really see me and you and know exactly who and what we need in our life?  Of this I  have no doubt!  That simple little prayer I sent up to the Heavens that night at my lowest, reached the most high. And He has showered me with opportunities to witness just how much He does see me and just how much He does want what’s best for me.  Was this past 2 years easy for me?  Some days, yes.  

But as we come up to the Fall months, most known for Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD, which a number of people struggle with during the dark days of winter. I am more confident than ever, that His hand is in every detail of my life and no matter what. If I ask… He is going to show me and give me the strength to make it through.  And you know what?  He will do that for you too! Just open that door!

I will leave you with one of my most favorite scriptures found in Doctrine and Covenants section 84:88  “And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face.  I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”

If you are struggling, please reach out to the Lord.  Ask Him to show you that He sees you.  I can promise you that He will.  And remember, Heaven is Aware!

So that explains a little about what’s been happening the past two years.  But, I’m so excited to get caught up with some really amazing guests. I have some special people waiting in the wings for a chance to share with you all. 

That’s it for this week my friends. It may take me a bit to get back to weekly podcasts.  But I promise I’m gonna do my best!  Thanks for listening/reading and have a great week!