Good morning! Well actually…it didn’t start off as a good morning. It started off like this: (you can listen to it in a little more detail by clicking on the podcast link.)
It started out with my usual morning routine.
Journal entry: “I’m tired today. And feeling just kind of blah. I think I slept pretty good. But my motivation is pretty much drained. It’s frustrating to me that I can just wake up and feel yucky for no good reason. I hate bipolar! I hate that it’s just always there. I hate that despite trying so hard to do all the right things that it just is there… If I miss a workout or maybe eat the wrong foods or my sleep is off a little. It’s just frustrating and I hate that I am broken.
Luckily God restores broken… eventually. And I know This, but hard days are just HARD. And there is just no way of getting away from that.
Gratitude: Grateful I have a husband who tries to understand and catches me when I fall.”
Scripture Journal: (still distracted and trying to sort things out) “I guess I should have seen it coming. It’s kind of like a freight train… I can’t hear it until it gets close and starts blaring the whistle, and then its too late. It’s already here. And I have to back track and ask why? What did I do different? Why is it coming or happening now? And a part of me just wants to go back to bed and not deal with these feelings of despair and worthlessness. I hate it and I hate that my children will probably have to deal with it at some point.
A thought comes to my mind. I will not leave you comfortless. And suddenly I have to find the scripture that those words come from. It’s palpable, I desperately need to find it. I go to my phone, the Gospel Library App. I click it open….and there it is staring me so hard in the face that I had to take a screenshot to prove to myself that this actually happened. It clicked right to comfortless: will not leave you comfortless, John 14:18!
I must have been in the topical guide when I last studied but I don’t remember searching this topic. But God knew. He knew that I would need this today.
This is what I wrote after to document my experience: Sometimes we go to God and sometimes He comes to us. That’s how I felt this morning. I could feel the depression settling in like a black storm cloud that I have grown accustomed to feeling. Waiting to enfold me in its blackness. And just when the tears began to fall and I was feeling so alone, I had a thought. Not my thought. It was the spirit sending me this message. “I will not leave you comfortless”… Where is that scripture I thought and I grabbed for my phone to look it up in the Topical guide to search it out. And then… a miracle.
I don’t know how He does it. I guess because He is God and He knows what we need when we need it. It was almost as if He was saying… No really– I won’t. You see it was the VERY FIRST thing that popped up when I opened the app. I didn’t even search it out. Staring up at me from the phone was the word comfortless, will not leave you comfortless, it read. And the scripture reference. Here’s the screen shot I had to take to remind myself how quickly God works sometimes. I couldn’t believe that for some crazy reason, it just happened to be on that exact page when I needed it the most. I needed to know that He knows where I’m at and what I’m feeling. And He was reminding me with absolutely no room to even doubt, that He does. He really does know me individually and wants what’s best for me.
And for you as well! You are His and He is yours.
As I thought about that word and that promise I am reminded of the covenants that I renew each week in church as I partake of His sacraments. (I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and we do this each week to remind us of the covenants that we made with the Lord when we were baptized.) I promise that I will keep His commandments that I will always remember Him, that I will take His name upon me. And then He promises me that I will ALWAYS have His spirit to be with me.
As I contemplated on that I realized that promise is one of the greatest promises that we can have. It’s no wonder or no mistake that those prayers are repeated to us every single week. He wants us to know without room at all to doubt…. that He will never, ever, even in our darkest moments, that He will not leave us comfortless. That we will ALWAYS have His spirit to be with us.
I think I may have to frame that scripture to remind me daily that I am worthy of His comfort. I am His and even through the times in our days and in our lives, He says, “I will not leave you comfortless and the final phrase of the scripture….. I WILL COME TO YOU!”
I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.