Hello friends and welcome. I hope you all enjoyed your labor day weekend. I got to spend mine in Houston with my son, my daughter in law and 2 grandsons. Which is why there wasn’t a podcast last week. Family is everything and I’m so glad that I have opportunities to spend quality time with mine. It was such a good time and I’m so grateful for it.
Since I returned, I have had a lot on my mind when thinking about what to share. And here I go again, getting all vulnerable, in a little bit, lol. But, what are our trials for if we can’t share them and help someone else grow from what we have learned and experienced? I believe the quote so much that says, “someday this trial that you are overcoming will be the thing that helps someone else make it through theirs.”
It’s so true, we look to others and their resilience and draw strength from that. I hope you felt that strength in the last few episodes with Catherine, Sarah and Nicole. I hope to have many more examples of people who are overcoming or enduring the struggle in weeks to come. I have a few in the queue that I’m super excited about.
Now let’s get on with this episode. I have been overcome lately with feelings of sadness over friends that are leaving the fold. And while everyone is on their own journey and has to come to their own understanding of where they belong and to whom they belong, I know from experience that the road can be long and weary at times. How do I know? Because I’ve been there. And I’ve come back. And the feeling of joy and love and just pure overwhelm at the Savior’s care for me, the one that left the fold, is something difficult to explain. I just feel so beyond grateful, that I have been given second and third and fourth chances. As we are all given.
But that is only a portion of the sadness that I feel. The other portion comes from the hurt and betrayal, and just plain hardness of the path that some have been asked to walk. My heart breaks in a thousand pieces as I hear story after story of people who are hurting and struggling and feeling lost and alone. I just want to reach through the screen and grab and hold them and tell them they are so loved and so cared for. And though I can’t do that, the Lord can. And He will, if you will reach out and ask Him. It just takes that first step. And He will welcome you with open arms. He may not be able to take your pain away. But He will walk this road with you. In fact, He’s been known to carry a few at times. I know He’s carried me many times.
In Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk “Tomorrow the Lord will do Wonders Among You” He says, “If we give our heart to God, if we love the Lord Jesus Christ, if we do the best we can to live the gospel, then tomorrow and every other day is ultimately going to be magnificent, even if we don’t always recognize it as such, Why? Because our Heavenly Father wants it to be. He wants to bless us! A rewarding, abundant, and eternal life is the very object of his merciful plan for His children” it is a plan predicated on truth “that all things work together for good to them that love God”. So keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow and forever. “
And from the scripture in Isaiah 40:20-28, 31 They that wait upon Him shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles…. For the Lord God will hold their right hand saying unto them Fear not; I will help thee.
I know that was a lot from his talk and I encourage you to go read the rest. I will link it! It’s so good.
I know that I can’t possibly know or feel what any of you are experiencing at this time in your lives. But what I can do is share my experiences with you. Sometimes I feel that my trials pale in comparison to some. But that doesn’t diminish them or invalidate them. And it’s the same for you. And that’s why I continue to share.
I talked a few podcasts back about a personal struggle that I am going through, another facet of mental illness, that I wasn’t ready to share yet. But since this is the anniversary of my recovery from Bipolar, 7 years today since I spent those awful nights in the psychiatric unit! I thought it would be fitting to talk about another recovery that I am in the midst of.
As I’ve talked about before, I am pretty good at masking my illnesses. I have had a lot of practice. I’ve been doing it for nearly 40 years. So a lot of people who hear what I’m about to tell you, may be surprised and even unbelieving. And that’s ok. It’s my journey to walk. I only hope that what I share can be of some benefit to those who need to hear it.
So here goes, I have recently been in recovery for an eating disorder. BED or Binge Eating Disorder to be exact. I won’t go into the details unless someone comes to me directly because I think that can be triggering to those that suffer with similar disorders. But what I can tell you is that something like this is usually bigger than you. And while you may try to overcome it on your own like I have for many years. There comes a time when you have to step outside of your selfishness and ask for help. I have been going through a 12 step recovery program similar to AA called Eating Disorders Anonymous. And I think what I want people to know the most is that working through these steps has been one of the most enlightening and fulfilling things that I have done in my life.
I have had to take serious inventory of myself and my life and begin to put things back in order. The serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”, has become a new mantra for me. I struggle everyday as I am finally working through this. And while it is not easy, it has been very liberating. And it has given me the opportunity to grow in so many other ways.
I have learned what it really means to forgive. Not only to forgive myself, but to forgive others. I have learned what it means to fully and completely surrender myself to God. I have thought for a long time that I was doing that. But the truth is, that surrendering is an ongoing process. One that we all should be working at every single day. I have learned that there is more to life than food, which if you suffer with an eating disorder you will understand what I mean by that. It tends to consume your thoughts constantly. And now that I am overcoming it, I am seeing so many parts of my life improve. My friendships, my relationships, my time to explore new talents. To serve more willingly. And to love more quickly.
I don’t want this to be the “poor me” podcast. What I want to do is to shine a light on the fact that we never ever know what someone may be experiencing behind closed doors. I’ve come to understand that everyone has something hard that they are dealing with. And even though they may be good at carrying it, doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.
So as I end today’s episode I just want to say:
We need to be quicker to love. Faster to reach out with love. More willing to spend some time listening and being a shoulder for others. We are all in this life together and sometimes we treat it as if we are on our own little island. There are angels all around us cheering us on. Both here and on the other side of the veil. I’ve come to know that even more these past several months. If you are struggling with anything in your life, please reach out to those around you. Realize that those little coincidences that happen, are not coincidences at all! They are tender mercies from the Lord. We would do well to take what he has so lovingly given us and do what we can to improve our situation. It’s never easy. Never! But it is possible. He sees you, He loves you and He will be there for you. And so will I!
I love you guys so much and appreciate you taking the time to listen to all my ramblings. That’s it for today! I hope you all have an absolutely fantastic week!
I promised that today I will be doing a little recap on what’s been happening with my mental health over the past several months.
Just to preface, I’ve learned so much these past few months, more than ever before, about how important it is to let go and give your burden over to the Lord. In Matthew 11:28-30 it reads
Come to Me, all ye that labour and our heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
I’ve learned now more than ever, how much I can and should rely on the Lord and trust in Him. More than anyone, He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my fears. He knows the burdens that I carry. And He really is the only one that can shoulder that burden like no one else. He asks us to take His yoke upon us and let Him do the heavy lifting. How much easier it will be for us if we trust Him enough to let Him carry us when we can not carry ourselves.
This experience that I had the last few months has been nothing compared to what I’ve been through before when dealing with bipolar. But I have found that one of the most difficult parts of living with bipolar and being on the healthy side, is the fear of falling to the unhealthy side again. It is such a dark and frightening place to be. And there is so much trauma that can come to the surface because of being in that dark place. But sometimes we have to fall in order for the Lord to lift us up again.
When a loved one approaches you and says that things don’t seem right with you, it can be really devastating. And there is a real part of you that doesn’t want to believe it for fear of ending up in the dark place again. But that is when you really need to put your trust in those that know and care about you and especially in the Lord.
Sometimes the burden of living with bipolar becomes extremely heavy to bear. Even when I’m healthy, I worry about becoming unhealthy. I worry that my loved ones are always worried about me and watching my every move just to make sure I’m ok. I hate more than anything for those that I love to worry about me. So it’s become second nature for me to try to appear fine when deep down I may be struggling.
Struggling with just the simple fact of being tired of carrying the burden itself. Over the last few months for whatever reason, I was just really, really tired of carrying it. And I would pray so many nights to Jesus that I was just so tired, please just take this away so I don’t need to worry anymore.
And apparently, this whole time He was trying to teach me the way to ease my tiredness. To let Him take my burden upon Him, even if just for a little while.
So when my husband approached me to discuss what he had seen in me over the last few months, it was really devastating to me. Here I thought I was physically and mentally feeling better than I ever had. And that I was doing great. It was only in the recesses of my own mind that I gave way to my deeper feelings of how tired I was from constantly monitoring myself.
I was very, very emotional that night as we discussed the importance of checking in with my Doctor. I had the biggest knot in my stomach and felt physically ill. I was so scared that if we discussed it and there was an issue, then I would have to go into the deep rabbit hole of going through the process of trying to find a new medication. The thought of that was a pure nightmare for me to think about.
My husband offered to give me a priesthood blessing which I accepted. He went to prepare himself for it and I went into the other room to plead with the Lord. In that moment I realized that I had no control over the journey that the Lord had in store for me. And something just broke inside of me. I remember saying to Him that I was so scared of having to go into the dark place again. I heard Him whisper to me, “Do you trust me?” And I said back, “I do.” And I heard it again, “Do you really trust me?” and again I heard myself say that I did. In fact I said, “I trust you so much that if going back to that dark place is part of my journey, I will do it. I don’t want to do it. But for you, to show you that I trust you, I will do it.” And I meant it. I really, really meant it.
I went into the living room where my husband performed the blessing. He laid his hands upon my head and started the blessing. The first thing he said was “the Lord knows that you are tired of carrying this burden. He wants you to have the courage to continue in this difficulty.” And that’s when I knew that in this journey on Earth, this illness will always be a burden that I will carry. But I don’t have to do it alone. That He is there. And He knows that I am tired. He knows! I hadn’t said those words to anyone but Him. And that was Him telling me that He hears me. And He will help me to shoulder this burden if I will let Him.
I don’t know how else to describe how I felt except that I felt so “held”. That is the only word I could think of. Like I was enveloped in a big warm hug. And I felt that way throughout the rest of that week as I prepared for my appointment with my Doctor. As I sat in his office and discussed our next moves I felt that the Lord was there being my rock to hold onto. As I agreed to tweak my medication a little bit, I just felt so “held”.
And I thought of His hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt of my affliction. Those are the hands that held me in that moment, and let me know that it was all going to work out according to His will. And I trusted Him more than I ever have in my life that I would be able to handle whatever was in store for me.
Just to give you a little insight about me if you’re new to the podcast, I was diagnosed five years ago with Bipolar ll, after having 2 manic epsodes within two months that landed me in the hospital. Although, I have suffered from depression for most of my adult life.
Fifteen years ago I had my first mental breakdown. At the time I wouldn’t accept the diagnosis and kind of set about to prove the Doctors wrong. I was in denial and did not want to be labeled as “crazy”. Because let’s face it, that’s what most people think of when the word bipolar is mentioned. That word is tossed around so lightly these days as people talk about someone else’s behavior that they don’t understand. And to be quite honest, it is really distressing and inconsiderate to those of us who have mental illnesses of any kind.
Anyway, here is my timeline. I had suffered with what I thought was depression from the time my first child was born. I had Postpartum depression. And with each child it would get a little bit worse. With my fourth and last child, I finally realized that it was time to talk to someone about it. I knew from my previous births that the depression usually did not subside for around 9 or more months after the baby was born. I remember the therapist telling me after we had talked, that I had two choices. I could either take medication that would help me feel better within a few weeks or I could go ahead and wait it out and be miserable for the next several months. Well, that was kind of no brainer for me. So I went ahead and went on the medication.
Over the few years after that I jumped from medication to medication. They would work for several months and then all of sudden I would be feeling horrible again. During that time I started researching alternate forms of medication. I realized that there were so many other things that I could do on my own that would affect how I felt. Such as working out, making sure my stress levels did not get too high, making sure I was getting good sleep and good nutrition, and so on. So I started working towards that and slowly weaned myself off the medications for what I hoped would be forever. And I was able to maintain that for probably around 4 or so years.
But when you have a severe chemical imbalance, the chances of it coming to the surface again is quite likely, and may warrant medication.
I have mentioned before on the podcast that I do not discuss any of the medications that I have been on over the years because everyone’s body is different and what worked for me may or may not work for you and vice versa. I think that is a dangerous road to go down. We each have so many different chemicals and hormones that affect how we respond. It’s so important to follow what your Dr. suggests and find something that works for your body. I highly recommend if you have the funding or if your insurance will pay for it, that you get DNA testing to find out what your body is compatible with. I will discuss that in a few minutes.
Anyway,that breakdown 15 years ago, was what started me on the road to finding out what exactly was happening with my body. As I said I was in denial and did everything I could to prove that Bipolar was not what I had.
I went back to my nurse practitioner at the time, and explained what had happened. She knew my history and from what I explained to her about what had happened, we both came to the conclusion that I just needed to get some sleep. I had not been on any medication for the previous 4 or so years which I mentioned earlier, and didn’t believe that I would ever need it again. She put me on an anti-anxiety med that I would take as needed. Just when I felt stressed or a little out of sorts. It would calm me down and then I’d be ok.
At my next yearly appointment I was feeling some depression setting in. I had read about a certain medication in a magazine that had helped someone else. So she agreed and prescribed it for me. I was on that medication for 10 years. Clear up until my second breakdown (or manic episode) that landed me in the hospital.
And that’s where things started to get super out of control. If you want to read more about experiences that I had while trying to find the right meds you can go back to my post Living with Bipolar and several posts after that one.
Luckily at that time I was referred to a great psychiatrist that told me right from the get go. You have Bipolar ll, no arguing whether or not you have it. Apparently that’s a pretty common experience. I wonder why? With such a stigma about it, it’s no wonder that people don’t want to be labeled.
He said, “We are just going to work to get you better. It might take some time. But we are going to find out what “recipe” works best for you.” It was actually so comforting to have someone finally take control of something that I could not. And I also finally accepted the fact that I did indeed have Bipolar.
But it wasn’t a death sentence… this would actually bring me back to who I really was, underneath the mask of Bipolar. He wouldn’t put me back on that medication that had worked for 10 years because he said it was the wrong medication for my diagnosis and it would never work for me again.
Over the next year we were able to find my recipe. And once I did, I felt so much better than a year before when I was completely at my lowest point ever. So I never really questioned whether or not I could feel even better than I did. I didn’t feel completely like myself as I had on the medication that I was on for 10 years. But for me it was so much better than where I was a year before. It was good enough. I did not have a DNA test with that Doctor. He never suggested it, and I had never heard of it so there was no reason to do it.
I had my DNA testing done in 2019 when I was forced to change Psychiatrists because my current one was retiring. The Doctor that I found (after doing my homework to find a good fit for me), recommended it. I didn’t even know that such a thing existed and gladly said that I would. I had mine done through GeneSight Psychotropic and it is called Combinatorial pharmacogenomic test. What it does, is tell you what drugs on the market today are highly compatible, somewhat compatible, and not at all compatible with your individual DNA. So it is very valuable information.
We did that at my second appointment with the new Doctor. I was floored to find out that the medication that I had been on for 10 years (the one after my very first breakdown), was only moderately compatible with my body and the wrong medication entirely for my diagnosis. It was for depression and what I needed was a mood stabilizer since my moods were either really high and things were going great or I would sink into a deep depression. Apparently my first Dr. was right. One of the reasons I will always push for anyone going through mental health issues to find a good psychiatrist.
We also discovered that the medication that I was currently taking was only moderately compatible with my DNA. When we went over the report, my new Doctor suggested that eventually I might want to switch to one that was highly compatible for me. Of course I had been feeling good for 4 years at that time and was pretty gun shy when it came to switching. Why would I fix what was not broken? So I would go to my regularly scheduled 3 month appointments over the next year and we would discuss it again and I always said, “no, I don’t want to mess with what I’ve got going.” And he was very understanding and accommodating and agreeable. Until I started having some pretty severe sleep issues. Which was probably one of the biggest reasons that I ended up back in the hospital the second time. I was under a lot of stress and hardly slept at all for about 5 days. Not good.
I have mentioned many times that getting enough sleep is critical for someone who has a mental illness like bipolar. (Really, sleep is so important for everyone!) So that was a pretty great concern. My doctor mentioned that the other medication had a sedative. I would take it at night and it would help improve my sleep. But I still wasn’t convinced. Finally after nearly another year of not having really good sleep, I was ready to try it.
So that brings you up to date on my timeline. I switched medications at the end of March 2021, right after I started doing the daily podcasts (not great timing on my part). I was terrified of going back into that dark place, but my Doctor assured me that it would be better for me according to my DNA test. The first 4 days were so scary. I started feeling very jittery like I was on speed or something.
Similar to the way I feel when climbing the scale toward a manic episode. A good way to explain the kinds of things that my husband was seeing, is that they were small things that most people would not see or notice. Such as doing simple routine things in a different order than normal. Or becoming a little agitated about things I normally wouldn’t be affected by.
I called my Doctor and he assured me that it was not a manic episode according to what I described and asked me to give it more time. Within a few weeks the jittery feeling was gone and I felt better than I had since 2015 when I had the 2 back to back hospital stays. I finally felt like myself again. I had no idea that I could feel even better than I did. I was sleeping again. I had drive, and motivation. I felt clear headed like a fog had been lifted. I could focus and get things done. I loved it! And I still do. So what happened recently? Well, here’s the story.
Luckily, I am very good at keeping a daily journal. Just a couple of paragraphs of how I am feeling, and what’s going on in my life. It has been very helpful in being able to look back and discover where things started to become a little unbalanced. I had become a little lax on some of my daily habits. I was missing a lot of workouts, and my nutrition was really suffering. I was eating a lot of junk food and a lot of sugar. I was under a lot of stress, because I had to go through several medical procedures in one month. I am 53 and have a lot of hormonal issues as well.
And I got to the point where sleep was starting to become an issue again. So all this comes into play just as I have been working on adjusting to the new medication. When I look at it that way, I think that it wasn’t just the medication switch, it was everything combined. It was like heading into the perfect storm…. Again. And that’s why it is so vitally important to have a good support system in place. Someone who knows you well and can see when things are a little out of order (for me that’s my husband). And also to have a Doctor that is a good fit for you, that you feel comfortable with and who knows your history well.
I started to have what my Doctor calls “outliers”. Which basically means that I was super steady for a period of time and then I would spike and do something that was out of character for me.
What is interesting to me is that these things were so tiny that if you don’t know me well, you would completely miss them. Also, as I said in episode 32, most of the time they are such small things that even I can’t see that it is out of character. Which is quite common according to my Doctor.
So when these things start happening there are two directions it can go. Either someone recognizes it quickly and you see your Doctor and make adjustments. Or no one recognizes it until it’s too late. You have already climbed the scale to a manic episode. Which could mean hospitalization.
In my situation, we caught it very quickly, I was able to make the necessary adjustments in my medication. Remember I had just switched, so we were kind of in the process of finding the right recipe again. We knew it was compatible with my DNA. We just needed to find the right dosage. We made a minor change and since then I have been fine and the “outliers” have stopped.
But this whole experience taught me so much about myself and my illness and the journey that I’ve been on. I have gained an entirely new perspective that I think is really important. Especially when it comes to helping others be able to overcome their struggles. And also to allow me to continue on my journey toward wellness. I know now more than ever that I have to be so vigilant with my daily habits, and be sure I don’t miss days with my medication. That’s why I like to call those who suffer with mental illness, warriors. Because we are in the fight for lives every single day.
Even though this is a sickness that can not be seen by the naked eye, like cancer, or diabetes. It is still life threatening. People who have not been through it or witnessed a loved one going through it, don’t understand that. That’s why we have so many suicides and so many mentally ill people who are not getting the care that they so vitally need. They don’t have a support system in place that can help them. It’s easy to abandon someone when you feel like they are just being negative and difficult.
We need to be better at recognizing and understanding when someone is ill and support them instead of shunning them. There is nothing more frustrating for a person who is suffering than to have someone say that it’s all made up or they are doing things to hurt people intentionally.
It becomes debilitating and demeaning to be made to feel like there is something wrong with you as a person. When the truth is, you are sick. What you have is an illness that needs to be separated from the person that God made you to be. There is nothing wrong with the “you” God made you to be. You are human just like everyone else. Your illness does not define who you are. Just like you are not the cancer or you are not the diabetes. Yes, it is something that you have, that you live it. But it doesn’t make you, you!
So my invitation to all of you today is: If you struggle with mental illness of any kind, find a psychiatrist that comes highly referred and is a good fit for you. Going to a psychiatrist does not mean you will necessarily need medication. There are many behavioral modifications that you can make with their help. Choosing to seek help is not a sign of weakness! It takes courage and strength to admit that you need help!
And then do whatever you need to, to find someone who can be a good support system for you. Someone that knows you and can help assess the situation when things seem out of the ordinary.
If you have no one, seek out a therapist. I know all of this is expensive and sometimes it’s hard to get insurance companies to pay. I won’t even go into my thoughts on that disservice! But if you can find a way to do it, the investment into your health will be worth every last penny.
And if you are a loved one of someone who is struggling, do everything you possibly can to help them recognize how much you love them and support them and want the best for them. Encourage them! Don’t demean them. Don’t minimize their illness or their struggle. Validate their feelings and do whatever you can to help them to know that they can trust you.
And to all of you together, I encourage you to trust in the Lord with all your heart, might, mind, and soul . Because He’s got you in the palms of His Hands. You are “held” always! Until next time. Take care.
If you made it this far. Thanks for reading. If you or someone you know has a trial that you/they’ve been able to get through with the help of our Savior, please contact me so we can get you on the podcast. My goal is to reach as many people as we can to help them to overcome and find joy even in the midst of hard things.
I lay here in the dark and I think of you in a beautiful garden. Exhausted from your work here on Earth. As you kneel near the rock, under the tree, I see you open your hands to the Heavens. And the words start to pour out of your mouth. It’s as if He’s right there, your Father, knowing what has to come next.
I begin to weep as I realize that the pain you must suffer is in some small part, due to me and my choices, to the decisions that I made, that I made a clear choice to create. The tears come freely now as I begin to understand that it is not just my choices, but my pain, my life, my illness that you so clearly will experience in these moments of the most awful act anyone could ever endure.
I am torn…on the one hand I feel the utter disgust at the decisions, the choices, I made that are causing you pain in this moment. Yet on the other hand, I feel the most incredible feeling of love and peace knowing that YOU love ME enough to do this for ME. Who am I? I am not learned, or important, or worth the pain that you are suffering at my expense.
I watch as you begin to cry. It’s as if I can feel your tears on my open hands. They fall in great droplets of pain and empathy and I am taken in great waves of grief. How could this happen? Why is this happening? Who would allow this to happen? And then I remember with great clarity, that this…. THIS was part of the plan. His plan, to save us all.
I hear the words ring in my ears that you speak aloud.
1 … Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee:
2 As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him.
3 And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.
4 I have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.
For a moment I am taken back to the fight. The fight for this plan to save us all. This eternal plan. And I remember it is in large part about our choices. Something called agency. Some call it “free” agency. But it is not FREE, it comes at a cost. A cost you so freely give
11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.
He said “It is God’s will that we be free men and women enabled to rise to our full potential both temporally and spiritually, that we be free from the humiliating limitations of poverty and the bondage of sin, that we enjoy self-respect and independence, that we be prepared in all things to join Him in His celestial kingdom.”
He goes on to say,
“I am under no illusion that this can be achieved by our own efforts alone without His very substantial and constant help. “We know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” And we do not need to achieve some minimum level of capacity or goodness before God will help—divine aid can be ours every hour of every day, no matter where we are in the path of obedience. But I know that beyond desiring His help, we must exert ourselves, repent, and choose God for Him to be able to act in our lives consistent with justice and moral agency. My plea is simply to take responsibility and go to work so that there is something for God to help us with.”
I see Him there. Bleeding and in pain and I think of the many who suffer due to a choice that they did not choose. For those that do, it’s comforting to know that we have a Savior, who lives, who loves us, and who suffered the unspeakable, so that we can know joy again, no matter our circumstance.
I turn away as the pain is too much to bear. And then I am back, in my bed, laying in the dark and my pillow is wet with the tears that I wept. And I realize that I do have a choice. In this moment of sadness and pain. I do have a choice, because of you, my Savior, my brother, my redeemer, my friend. And I silently thank you, once again for allowing me to remember that I am not alone.
Good morning! Well actually…it didn’t start off as a good morning. It started off like this: (you can listen to it in a little more detail by clicking on the podcast link.)
It started out with my usual morning routine.
Journal entry: “I’m tired today. And feeling just kind of blah. I think I slept pretty good. But my motivation is pretty much drained. It’s frustrating to me that I can just wake up and feel yucky for no good reason. I hate bipolar! I hate that it’s just always there. I hate that despite trying so hard to do all the right things that it just is there… If I miss a workout or maybe eat the wrong foods or my sleep is off a little. It’s just frustrating and I hate that I am broken.
Luckily God restores broken… eventually. And I know This, but hard days are just HARD. And there is just no way of getting away from that.
Gratitude: Grateful I have a husband who tries to understand and catches me when I fall.”
Scripture Journal: (still distracted and trying to sort things out) “I guess I should have seen it coming. It’s kind of like a freight train… I can’t hear it until it gets close and starts blaring the whistle, and then its too late. It’s already here. And I have to back track and ask why? What did I do different? Why is it coming or happening now? And a part of me just wants to go back to bed and not deal with these feelings of despair and worthlessness. I hate it and I hate that my children will probably have to deal with it at some point.
A thought comes to my mind. I will not leave you comfortless. And suddenly I have to find the scripture that those words come from. It’s palpable, I desperately need to find it. I go to my phone, the Gospel Library App. I click it open….and there it is staring me so hard in the face that I had to take a screenshot to prove to myself that this actually happened. It clicked right to comfortless: will not leave you comfortless, John 14:18!
I must have been in the topical guide when I last studied but I don’t remember searching this topic. But God knew. He knew that I would need this today.
This is what I wrote after to document my experience: Sometimes we go to God and sometimes He comes to us. That’s how I felt this morning. I could feel the depression settling in like a black storm cloud that I have grown accustomed to feeling. Waiting to enfold me in its blackness. And just when the tears began to fall and I was feeling so alone, I had a thought. Not my thought. It was the spirit sending me this message. “I will not leave you comfortless”… Where is that scripture I thought and I grabbed for my phone to look it up in the Topical guide to search it out. And then… a miracle.
I don’t know how He does it. I guess because He is God and He knows what we need when we need it. It was almost as if He was saying… No really– I won’t. You see it was the VERY FIRST thing that popped up when I opened the app. I didn’t even search it out. Staring up at me from the phone was the word comfortless, will not leave you comfortless, it read. And the scripture reference. Here’s the screen shot I had to take to remind myself how quickly God works sometimes. I couldn’t believe that for some crazy reason, it just happened to be on that exact page when I needed it the most. I needed to know that He knows where I’m at and what I’m feeling. And He was reminding me with absolutely no room to even doubt, that He does. He really does know me individually and wants what’s best for me.
And for you as well! You are His and He is yours.
As I thought about that word and that promise I am reminded of the covenants that I renew each week in church as I partake of His sacraments. (I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and we do this each week to remind us of the covenants that we made with the Lord when we were baptized.) I promise that I will keep His commandments that I will always remember Him, that I will take His name upon me. And then He promises me that I will ALWAYS have His spirit to be with me.
As I contemplated on that I realized that promise is one of the greatest promises that we can have. It’s no wonder or no mistake that those prayers are repeated to us every single week. He wants us to know without room at all to doubt…. that He will never, ever, even in our darkest moments, that He will not leave us comfortless. That we will ALWAYS have His spirit to be with us.
I think I may have to frame that scripture to remind me daily that I am worthy of His comfort. I am His and even through the times in our days and in our lives, He says, “I will not leave you comfortless and the final phrase of the scripture….. I WILL COME TO YOU!”
I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.