Note: This post is referenced in this previous post where I said I would share the story about finding my Doctor.
It has been almost two years to the day that I lay on my living room sofa in a complete pile of tears. I had all but given up on finding the right medication and a good Dr. to take me on my journey to wellness. I had been put on waiting list after waiting list to get in to see a psychiatrist. I had a scheduled appointment, and the day before I was to see the Doctor I ended up back in the hospital following another manic episode. The Dr. I was supposed to have seen said that since I was unable to make that appointment, that I would be scheduled for another 6 weeks out. I felt so beaten down and forgotten. Why was God not helping me in this? Where was He when I needed Him the most? And why am I so broken? These were the questions that I asked myself over and over again.
My husband Joe, had come home to check on me during his lunch break. He gave me the news that he was finally able to land me an appointment with a strongly referred psychiatrist…. for 6 weeks from that day! I was torn, I knew this was a good thing but I was completely devastated that I had to wait so long. I am not going to make it another 6 weeks I cried, I’ll end up in the hospital again, I just knew it. Joe could see that I was near my breaking point. We were both at a loss of what to do. The adversary was working so hard on us, trying to break us down. I think he knew that we were nearing the fork in the road where we would be required to make the choice of whether to try and do this all on our own or put our trust in the Savior and let him carry us.
The Savior said: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30)
I know I’ve used that scripture previously but it describes so perfectly what I was experiencing, and what I needed to know. And although at the time I was probably further from God than I had ever been, I also knew that he would hear my cries. I think the important point to remember is that we all have our loads to bear. Each one of us goes through hard things, each of us experience opposition and trials that can lead us away from God. Or they can build and strengthen us if we will trust in His plan for us.
Elder David A. Bednar of the quorum of the twelve Apostles once stated, “Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness.” Adversity, then, is essential to our success!
Joe calmly took my hand, and said I think we need to ask God for some help on this. Can we pray? (This is my non-religious husband whom I had never seen pray before). Of course, I said a resounding “yes, please pray for us!” He then poured out his heart right there in front of our sofa. I don’t really remember the exact words he used but I know that he truly pleaded with a true and honest heart that God would exercise his hand in our situation and somehow bring us peace and comfort and help us get through this hard trial that we were experiencing. He closed the prayer and I felt a peaceful calm settle over me. Joe went back to work and I fell into a deep sleep, which was unusual during that time because of my condition. I awoke to my phone ringing about an hour or so later. The woman on the line explained who she was, the receptionist of the highly referred Doctor that Joe had spoken with earlier, she explained that they had had a cancelation and knew that I was in desperate need to get in to see him. “Could you be here at 8:30am tomorrow morning?” “YES!” I exclaimed, “I’ll be there.” I hung up the phone and dropped to my knees, I knew this was truly God’s hand working a miracle in our lives!
That phone call changed everything for me and for us. We were now at least “on the journey” towards me becoming healthy again. The Doctor turned out to be exactly who I needed and has helped me throughout the past couple of years to get and stay well. However it has been, and continues to be, fraught with many obstacles along the way. Once we chose to lean on God and get on the right path in that fork in the road the adversary started throwing fiery darts, it seemed, at every turn. We are told in the Book of Mormon that there is opposition in all things “It must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, … righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad” (2 Nephi 2:11; see also verse 15).
Although trials come, we must remember that opposition permits us to grow, it strengthens us it helps us to learn to trust God even more and to …lean not unto our own understanding Proverbs 3:5. And let Him direct our path! Because even though we may think we have a great plan. He sees more and His plan is better for us!
President Henry B. Eyring stated in the October 2017 General Conference address “… as much as we have already built faith and courage in our hearts, the Lord expects more from us—and from the generations after us. They will need to be stronger and braver because they will do even greater and harder things than we have done. And they will face increasing opposition from the enemy of our souls.”
So we see that the obstacles that the adversary throws at us our necessary so far as we are leaning toward and trusting in the Lord to guide us through these obstacles. Life is not easy, it was not meant to be easy. As Elder Bednar stated. “Happiness is not the absence of a load…”. It’s what and how we deal with that load that really matters.
Joe and I were recently commenting about the length of this trial and how we just didn’t think it would take “so long” haha. But I can honestly say that without experiencing the ups and downs of these past few years, we would not have grown so close to our Savior. We would not know God the way we do now. We would be floundering wondering which way to turn and how to move forward. But through the strength of our Savior and Redeemer we have learned that we CAN have happiness even amongst the loads!