I never considered myself in-active or “less active”, because to me, that meant that you had left the church. That meant that you had denounced your faith in some way, which I never felt like I did. However, I did step “away” from the church for a few years. I had just gotten divorced and I’ll admit that I was really struggling with a lot of what it meant to be a member of the LDS church. How could this happen to me? I was married in the temple. Things seemed to be going so well. Was it a lack of faith? Was it a lack of desire? Was it complacency? Was it loneliness? What was it exactly, that made me want to distance myself from all that I had known? I was born and raised in the church. I did what all my friends did, and most members that I knew. Grew up, married a returned missionary, got married in the temple, had a family, and then lived happily ever after, right?! So what had happened to my happily ever after?
The thing is, leaving the church, or stepping “away” from the church, your faith, your testimony, all that you have ever known to be true, doesn’t happen overnight! It is a slow process that happens seemingly, without you even noticing until one day you’ve done it. You are “away” from the church. You don’t attend, or study or maybe even pray anymore (although I think prayer tends to be something you continue even when you are away. Or at least you try). You don’t practice your religion anymore. And members of the church who know you and hear about it, think “it’s really sad”. You are essentially known as a “less active” or an inactive member. I remember referring to myself as, ” no longer practicing”. But really what you’re saying is a veiled way to say “I no longer have a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel, therefore I have stepped “away” for a while to figure things out.” I had somehow lost my way… “Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.” (Matt. 7:13–14)
The ironic part is that at first it feels very freeing! I remember saying on many occasions, “I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I just can’t reconcile that it coincides with my being away from the church”. Honestly, I never thought it would happen to me. I did everything I was supposed to do, everything that I had been taught all those years growing up. Sure I made my share of mistakes, as does everyone. But I had tried to be diligent in all that I had learned through the years after my temple marriage. Holding many different callings, while raising my little family in the gospel, going to the temple, studying my scriptures and going to church. I was keeping my covenants, and praying. I was doing everything, wasn’t I? Or was I?
Truthfully, I have to admit that my temple attendance wasn’t where it should have been. I wasn’t really reading my scriptures as much as I should have. And I probably had become redundant in my prayers…. And I am sure there were many other “little” things. I don’t really know exactly how it happened because it all happened SO slowly. And the scary part is, that it can happen to ANYONE! I’m hoping that by sharing my experience it can be a voice of warning.
In Matthew we read: Enter ye in at the strait gate; for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction and many there be which go in thereat. (Matt. 7:12) It seemed so much easier to be on the path that I was now on.
But then, that is how the opposition works right? One little flaxen cord at a time. Like a big giant fluffy, feather, gently coaxing you. “You don’t need to read your scriptures tonight, you’ve worked so hard all day and you’re tired. You can get to it tomorrow.”
“Go ahead buy that dress that isn’t really long enough for your temple garment… it’s so cute and you’ve worked so hard to look good.” One more little feather.
“It’s ok to miss church today. Since you got divorced, no one really cares anyway.” One more little feather gently waving and caressing you away. It feels so good to be free, you say! But little do you know how hard Satan is working on you! All of those “little tiny feathers” are turning into a very tightly woven cord, and you are being led along without even realizing it.
Joseph B. Wirthlin of the quorum of the twelve apostles stated, “We get sidetracked by submitting to temptations that divert us past the bounds of safety. Satan knows our weaknesses. He puts attractive snares on our paths at just those moments when we are most vulnerable. His intent is to lead us from the way that returns us to our Heavenly Father.”
After a while I was so comfortable with the way that I was living my life that I began to think I no longer needed religion in my life. I no longer needed the church or a testimony or to be “bound” down by callings and church attendance. I had entered in at the wide gate and it felt good to be just like everyone else!
And then something began to happen…. I NEEDED God. I NEEDED the church. I NEEDED the priesthood. I NEEDED my testimony! I NEEDED all of it! And how had that happened? Yep, you guessed it, SO SLOWLY! Little seeds were being planted along the way until all of sudden it was unmistakeable! You can see my post “living with bi-polar” for some of the story but I will definitely write more about all of the little experiences that happened in between in upcoming posts. But lucky for us, one thing that God never does, is give up on his children! No not one.
“How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?
“And if it so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.” (Matt. 18:12–13.)
Luckily, God’s angels both here and on the other side are working just as hard if not harder to get you back! And now that I am back, I am so thankful for that. I know that there were many prayers and fasts that went out in my behalf. Many times my name was probably written in the roles of the temple. Many tears that were cried for my salvation, and many angels that were working from the other side to influence me.
So why am I writing about this? It’s not exactly an easy subject to approach. People leave the church for all different reasons. There is nothing special or singular about my situation or why I left. At least that is what I thought. But the truth is, I believe it IS similar for most people, in that it happens SO slowly. One small act at a time. One small thought at a time. One small step at a time. And before you know it, you hear yourself saying…”I’m not sure I’ve ever had a testimony”, “I’m really not sure if the church IS true after all”. and “I’m happier than I’ve ever been without it!”
I think what I am trying to say and what I have been prompted to write is that you have to keep The whole Armor of God on! See Ephesians 6:10-18 Not just sometimes…. ALL THE TIME. ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! You must do all the little things EVERY DAY! Sometimes more than just once a day. You MUST keep yourself unspotted from the world. You must live IN the world but not be OF the world. If you are like me you’ve heard that statement a million times growing up in the church! But it has never been more true or more important than it is today. In The Book Of Mormon (another testament of Jesus Christ) Mormon Chapter 8 gives us insight into today’s world, Moroni says he has seen our day, and it includes wars and rumors of wars, great pollutions, murders, robbing, and people who tell us that there is no right or wrong in God’s eyes. He describes people who are filled with pride, caught up in the wearing of expensive clothing, and who make fun of religion. He is shown people who are so obsessed with worldly things that they allow “the needy, and the naked, and the sick and the afflicted to pass by”3 without being noticed.
But we should not despair, it is the Lord’s way that will lead us to life eternal!
The prophet David O. Mckay taught: Christ is the light to humanity. In that light man sees his way clearly; when it is rejected, the soul of man stumbles in darkness. No person, no group, no nation can achieve true success without following him who said:
“I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.” (John 8:12.)
Has my life gotten easier since I came back to the church? In some ways yes, and in some ways no. In reality it has actually been a really hard road. Quite like a roller coaster, lol. My family and I have had to go through a lot of things physically, spiritually and mentally that I never thought we would have to go through. But that is how we grow, that is how we become stronger and better people. We do not grow by being in a comfortable spot where there is nothing changing, no growth. However, through it all I have no doubt that my Savior is with me, that he is my advocate to the Father! I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13
I am also comforted to know that I need not fear for He is with me, I know where and how to to find the peace that only He can give.
Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. Doctrine and Covenants 88:63
I am confident that as I purposefully follow the commandments that I will not be led astray again. Elder David A. Bednar of the quorum of the twelve Apostles has been known to say, “If you read the Book of Mormon every day, you will never fall away”. If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading. And if you have learned or felt anything, I hope you will realize that my story can happen to anyone! That you can NEVER take your membership in this gospel for granted! It truly is a gift! A gift that is meant to be shared with others!