on the wings of Eagles

Hello my friends!  There are so many things that I have been thinking about these past few weeks and months as we have all gone through so much with Covid, natural disasters, death, loss of businesses and the uncertain political climate.  

I myself have struggled this past several weeks with feelings of depression and isolation despite my best efforts to maintain good health.  Trying to all the right things and to just take the next right step. 

Living with Bipolar is very often that way.  It seems sometimes, when things appear to be going so well we can get caught off guard.  The adversary would have us believe that we are not worthy of the blessings of the Lord.  But I can assuredly tell that we are.  And as hard as it is, we must keep going, keep pushing, keep looking up as I talked about a few episodes back. 

The word that just keeps coming to me over and over is endure.  Because it really feels like we have been stuck in the “song that never ends” haha you know that one that you sing as kids.  Here’s the link just in case you’re not familiar https://youtu.be/xz6OGVCdov8….. Anyway, you get the picture.  Today I want to talk about the subject of enduring through adversity, but first I want to tell you about an experience that I had this past week.

I was outside one day and I watched as a beautiful hawk spread it’s wings and glided through the cool air.  And then it just so happened that I started to see hawks everywhere! Have you ever done that?  Well usually when that happens to me it’s because there is a message that I am supposed to get.  For me, that’s kind of how the spirit works.  When I start seeing things repeatedly, or get thoughts over and over that I wouldn’t have generally thought of myself, it’s usually the Lord trying to tell me something or give me a certain lesson.  What I got from this message as I started seeing these hawks soaring in the air is that I was reminded of the scripture in 

Isaiah 40:31 

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength;  They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

As I thought  about eagles and what this particular scripture was trying to say, I decided to research a little more about them and here are some of the things that I learned. 

First of all, I love how big and majestic eagles look as they hover in the sky high above the ground.  Did you know that eagles can fly higher than any other birds usually around 15,000 feet high?  They get their lift from the warmer air that is closer to the sun, allowing them to glide for long periods of time.  And that is how they conserve their energy by not having to flap their wings so much.

Eagles are among the strongest animals and their eyesight is 5 times stronger than that of a human.  History has it that the eagle has the sharpest vision of all birds. When its eyesight grows dull with age it glides up towards the sun, and, by staring at the sun, which only an eagle can do, it burns away all the mistiness of age. ….They can detect UV light and can identify colors better than humans.  To keep their balance and glide smoothly in the air, eagles will shed a feather on one side when the other side loses it!

Eagles can also fly as fast as a speeding car. So their wings are extremely strong and powerful. And their vision is impeccable. 

They are unique in the way they care for their babies. Baby eagles are usually full grown by 12 weeks and too heavy for the female to carry.  So she won’t push her young out of the nest to learn to fly, instead she will discontinue feeding them when she thinks they are ready to take flight thus forcing them to fly so they can find food to survive. 

The word eagles is mentioned over 30 times in the Old and New testament of the bible and the imagery is often used to portray God’s power.

Now back to the scripture, it says “they shall mount up with wings like eagles”.  So we have already established how powerful their wings are. So let’s just find the meaning of the word, mount.

The first definition of mount is that it means to go up, climb or ascend.  Some synonyms are to arise, escalate, soar, ascend, rise, scale, tower, bestride, escalade, lift. 

The first part of the scripture says Those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up (arise, lift or soar) with wings like eagles (remember extremely powerful and strong).  Now think of all of those traits that we talked about that eagles have.  Sharp vision, they draw strength from the sun, they instinctively know how to maintain their balance and they can exceed the heights of others.

So you may be thinking well this is all great Wendy but how does this apply to enduring?  And we are gonna get there I promise.  But first we have to look at the first sentence of the scripture.  But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength;

You know sometimes we feel like we have just had about all that we can take.  And I feel like practically every day this year, I wake up and something new and crazy has happened.  I think how can this get any worse? And above that, how do I keep going through all the crazy?  Well the answer I think, is that we WAIT on the Lord. One of the definitions of Wait is to look forward to eagerly. As in I can’t wait for Christmas.  But that’s not exactly what we feel like when we are in a state of enduring right?  It’s more like “you mean I have to wait longer?”

In Elder Jeffrey R.Holland’s talk from this past general conference he said, “… there will be times in our lives when even our best spiritual effort and earnest, pleading prayers do not yield the victories for which we have yearned, whether that be regarding the large global matters or the small personal ones. So while we work and wait together for the answers to some of our prayers, I offer you my apostolic promise that they are heard and they are answered, though perhaps not at the time or in the way we wanted. But they are always answered at the time and in the way an omniscient and eternally compassionate parent should answer them…..” 

I think it’s important to note that I didn’t hear this talk (or at least if I did it’s clear I wasn’t paying full attention), but after I planned this entire podcast, I was led to listen to his talk.  And I cried, because it is exactly what I needed to hear.  And maybe YOU need to hear it again too.  I’ll put the link in the show notes.

So many people are experiencing feelings of depression, isolation and fear during this 20/20 year.  Remember? This was supposed to be the year of perfect vision?  Not quite the perfect vision of the eagle that we talked about earlier. 

 It’s far worse than what we ever imagined, right?  Or is it?  What if this IS the year of perfect vision?  What if this IS the year that we learn and grow and soar more than we ever have?  What if this year IS the year that we wait on the Lord and renew our strength in Him?

 I have a couple of experiences that came to my mind about having to wait.  Going back to about 2016, I had been diagnosed with Bipolar ll and I was in a really bad place physically and emotionally.  I’m not going to go into the whole experience here. You can learn more about that by clicking on this link.  During that time I had two experiences that helped to remind me of the importance of waiting on the Lord. 

The first one was a dream that I had. I was riding in a car with my husband and it was a blizzard outside.  We could barely see the road because of the wind and the snow falling.  We were on a canyon road that was a mountain on one side and a drop off on the other.  I could see that we were dangerously close to the cliff.  Suddenly the car began to swerve and it was obvious that we were going to slide off the road.  There was nothing that we could do.  I remember feeling so helpless as I looked to my husband and saw the same look on his face.  I was thinking “Is this really how it is all going to end for us?”

As we slid off the cliff and started falling, I was astounded as I looked to the left, to see a large hand glowing white, come around the front bumper of the car.  It was a huge hand that engulfed the whole left side of the car.  And then as I glanced to the right I saw another huge glowing white hand (I can’t really say glowing, it was more like on fire), brighter than you can imagine.   I definitely knew, in my mind’s eye, that it was God’s hands coming around the car to shield us from the impending crash.  I remember feeling incredibly grateful for the strength and comfort that seeing those hands brought to me.  

I could see that we were going to crash.  But I could also see that we were going to be surrounded in the arms of his love and in some way protected from the inevitable damage that would take place.  Then, just as the hands came around us, we began to hit the trees… and that’s when I woke up.

When I told my husband about my dream he said, “well we did kind of go off a cliff!” And even though I laughed when he said it, I knew he was right.  

When I went into the hospital during my manic episode it was literally like falling off a cliff. We were also struggling with some other issues at the time.  I had been praying and pleading with the Lord to help us find a way out of the situation that we had been in.  I feel like this dream came to me to remind me that even though we experience REALLY TOUGH things in our lives, He is always there to protect us when we go off the cliff and hit the trees.  We may still hit the trees and come crashing down. But He will always be there to surround us in his love.  When we wait on the lord our strength will be renewed.

I remember at around that same time we had missionaries from the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints of which we are members.  They were there to teach my husband about the church and remind us of how much Jesus loves us and wants the best for us.  

One night they shared a scripture passage with us from a story in the Book of Mormon about people who had been enslaved, most of them, their whole lives. It read: 

13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. 

Isn’t that amazing?  It goes on to say:

15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.  Mosiah 24:13-15

If you are not a member and would like a copy of the Book of Mormon please contact me and I can get you one.

I remember that after the sisters left, my husband and I just sat there stunned.  This was the Lord speaking directly to us!  Telling us that he would Strengthen us and that he would deliver us from our afflictions.  There is power in the scriptures, my friends, that we can not get from any other source.  I love the scriptures and the answers that we can get from the Lord through them.  

As we sat together and opened back up to that scripture I read ahead to the next verse which says, 16 And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.

I pondered upon that scripture as we sat there and it was as if the Lord was telling me that we were about to get through this trial.  My heart was filled with gratitude and I was so overwhelmed with joy…I was thinking on the morrow, Lord does that mean that we are almost through this.  It was like I was jumping up and down like a little kid, inside.  Until I heard Him whisper “But…” I remember thinking, no wait!   no buts what do mean, but?  And then I heard “yes this trial will end but not yet, you must endure a little longer.  You have to have great faith and patience and wait on Me, it is my timing not yours.”

I remember weeping as I thought of how much longer we might have to go through this refining process.  But it is when we wait on the Lord, that our strength will be renewed.

Also In the recent General Conference just a few weeks ago President Russell M. Nelson spoke these words, “Are you willing to let God prevail in your life?  Are you willing to let God be the most important influence in your life?”  He went on to say, “The word willing is crucial…. We all have our agency.  We can choose to let God prevail in our lives, or not.  We can choose to let God be the most powerful influence in our lives, or not.”

In that same thought process.  We can choose to endure, or not.  There is a great promise that comes with the Isaiah 40:31 scripture.  Did you catch it in the beginning?

Let’s read it again, But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength;  They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

If we have faith and are willing to let God prevail, to wait on Him and His timing, we shall mount up with wings like eagles (remember “ arise with strength and great power”), we shall run and not be weary, we shall walk and not faint.

So just as in the scriptures we read that night with the sister missionaries,  I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage. His promise to us is that we will be able to be sustained in our waiting period.  He will give us the strength to bear up our burdens with ease if….. we will wait on Him, that our strength  will be renewed.

Like the eagle,  WE can have Sharp vision, when it comes to our future and the trials we are facing. We can draw strength from the son meaning Jesus Christ. We can instinctively know how to maintain our balance and exceed heights that we never thought possible.  Wait on the Lord, my friends, have your strength renewed through and By Him. He loves you so much!  But it is his timing and our faith and trust will create our endurance to get us through whatever hard thing we are going through.  

He loves us just like those eagles love their babies.  But sometimes He has to let us go without food for a little while so that we can learn to fly, so that we can look to Him for guidance and strength. But also realize the strength that we have in our own “wings”. 

This past Sunday we were able to return to our church building for the first time since Covid.  I was so excited to be in the building and worship with all my brothers and sisters in the gospel.  It was so touching and so great to be back.  One of the speakers we had, said something that I thought went right along with what I’m talking about.  He said, “sometimes we worry so much about the Why’s that we forget about the WITHOUTS”,  and I was intrigued and wanted to know where he was going with this.  

He went on to say that when we are enduring trials sometimes we focus so much on WHY we are facing this particular struggle, that we forget what we would be WITHOUT had we not gone through it.  I think about this and all the many miracles that have happened in my life since going into the hospital 5 years ago and being diagnosed Bipolar.  It’s humbling to think about how my life has changed and grown in ways I never thought possible.  But if all I ever focused on was the WHY did this happen part, I would not be able to enjoy all the things that I would have been WITHOUT had it not happened.  It’s difficult sometimes when you are in the middle of a trial to think of a statement like that.  It’s certainly easier to look back on the trial and see the WITHOUTS.  But that is when I want you to remember, if we wait on the Lord, our strength will be renewed!

I believe that the struggles that we’ve shared This year and some that have been individual have been for our benefit.  It’s possible that this IS part of His plan for us.  This year, this 20/20 crazy year. Could it be that it’s to help us rise up and soar to new heights and see with clear vision that the Lord will prevail? I say with God, all things are possible.  You can do this!  You can get through this trial. And you are going to look back and be so grateful for all of the things that you are not WITHOUT and all of the things you’ve learned!  

XO Wendy

BPD, a blessing or a curse?

Prosper you and give you hope

Bipolar disorder (BPD), is a big part of my life, whether I like it or not (…Not!).  However  I have to give it credit for being a catalyst for so much good and positive change in my life.  That’s right!  When it all boils down, I am grateful for the disorder for helping me to grow toward becoming a more positive, healthy, empathetic, and gratuitous person.

I still have a journey ahead of me, of course, but I am happy with how far I have come.  When I look back at the road less traveled (or maybe I should say less acknowledged), I can see the many times that BPD has been a blessing in my life.

The annual report of the state of mental health in America, came out today and while I was pleased to see that substance use disorder has dropped some, it is clear that we have a lot more work to do in bringing awareness to mental illness and suicide prevention. I hope that my posts have had some effect in bringing that awareness to others.

Here are just a few of the reasons that I have found, to see my illness as a blessing.  It is worth mentioning there is always the flip side of the coin but in this post I want to stick to the positives.

 

  1. GET Stuff Done! While I had severe bouts with depression when my kids were little (I had four within 7 years!), I credit being able to get A LOT of stuff done to the manic side of BPD.  I remember being called the “energizer bunny” because I could accomplish so many projects in a day.  It probably wasn’t the healthiest way to get things done.  But when my kids were little and required so much time and attention I was able to give them what they needed. And as they got older and all had different schedules and activities, I was able to get them all where they needed to be when they needed to be there, keep a house of order, cook and clean and stay organized.  I often look back and wonder how I did it all!  Now I know.
  2. More Empathetic.  Not that I wasn’t always a caring person, it’s been in my nature to care for others since I was little.  I had a mother that was a great example of this.  However, being diagnosed with a mental illness, especially one as serious as the one that I have, has helped me to recognize the loneliness that people with mental illnesses experience.  We all feel like no one understands and that no one knows what we are going through.  We withdraw and retreat into ourselves because of that.  But I want you to know that you are NEVER EVER alone.  I see you!  And so do a lot of others out there who have struggled with similar disorders. And Jesus Christ KNOWS exactly what you have and will experience, because he descended below it all for you and for me!  Jesus will always have your back.
  3. I Know in Whom I trust. Speaking of Jesus Christ, I would never have come to know my Savior in the way that I now do if it hadn’t been for what I have gone through on my road to better health.  One of my favorite scriptures came to me in a time when I was most in need.  Jeremiah 29:11 says: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and  a future.  Whenever I was down or was having a particularly hard day (which there have plenty of), I looked to that scripture and remembered that my Lord is always aware of me and knows my needs and wants the best outcome for me.
  4. Live in Gratitude Daily.  That probably sounds strange to some people, especially to those who suffer with debilitating illnesses.  But I have learned that keeping a daily gratitude journal is one of the best practices that one can do for physical, spiritual and mental well being.  Sometimes I may have to dig deep to find the tender mercies of a day.  But when I do, I am always filled with a profound sense of gratitude for the life that I have blessed with, illness and all.
  5. Appreciate the Really Good Days.  I’ll be the first one to admit that there are some really, really hard days when dealing with these types of illnesses.  There are days when you feel like you can’t go on, that it is all too hard and you can’t survive another day.  Even though I am on medication and am in a better spot than I have ever been in, I still have bad days.  However, it makes me appreciate, really truly appreciate. Every. Single. Day. That I am alive. That I am here and that I can share and help others who may have similar experiences.  My good days are something to be celebrated.  And celebrate I do, with every day I live I am grateful for having been blessed with BPD.  It has made my life fuller and richer in so many ways.

Have a wonderful day and week!

XO Wendy

Are you a hope maker or taker?

Have you ever had someone take your hope away simply by their words?  Have you ever been filled with despair because someone said something about you, or to you that was completely defeating?  Yeah, me too.  Words are very powerful! We can go from completely elated to simply defeated in the time it takes to say, “you can’t”, “you will never” or “that’s impossible for you”.

And even more important, is the way we talk to ourselves.  “It’s hopeless”,  I’m so stupid”, “I will never be….”, and my favorite, “I can’t…”  Why is it so easy for us to use words in such a negative way, especially to ourselves?  Well, I haven’t completely figured out the answer to that question.  But what I do know is that I have had my share of negative words thrown my way, spoken behind my back by others. As well as given to me through my own negative self-talk.  And I am positive that I am not so much different than anybody else.

So today I wanted to offer you some encouragement through the words of someone who had every right to lose hope, but somehow found it. This is well worth the 15 minutes out of your day to watch Nick Vujicic

Please use positive self talk and practice self love. Look for hope.  Find it. And live it!

XO Wendy