This week’s episode is so good. My good friend, Mckenna, will share with you her experiences with her mental health and paralyzing anxiety. You can listen below or on your favorite podcast platform.
When In Doubt, Turn to the Lord
And I have been waiting 2 years to interview this special guest today. It was 2 years ago almost to the day that I started this podcast and when I started it, I was particularly focused on the mental health part of it, because that is just such a huge part of my life and my mission, I believe, to help people who may be struggling or know or love someone who is. And so I had wanted to have the perspective of my biggest supporter to give his side of the story and had planned to do so back then but he just wasn’t ready at that point because having someone you love go through something like we did is really quite traumatic and it just wasn’t the right time.
Fast forward a couple of years, as you may have guessed the person that I am talking about is my husband, Joe. And instead of talking about being the supporter, I asked him if he would share his side of that, but also his conversion story of how he came to know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is indeed the restored gospel of Jesus Christ on the Earth today. And he agreed. So this podcast is a tad bit longer than most but I think it will be worth your time. And we had so much fun putting it together and reminiscing that we decided together that we would love to share other couple’s stories of conversion if there is anyone who would like to share. The good news of the gospel needs to be felt and shared more in today’s world and we would love to be a part of making that happen. If anyone is interested, please contact us. We would love to have you share your story with the world.
Go here to listen to the interview and Joe’s conversion story.
Let it Refine You
Well hey everyone! It’s good to be back. I planned on taking a little break but it just ended up being a little longer than planned. But that’s ok, because that’s kind of how life is right? We think we have it all figured out or we have a plan and then the Lord comes in and says, “nope, I’ve got something else prepared for you…it’s going to be hard but it’s something better.”
And that’s kind of how I feel about this whole past year. I was looking back recently at some of the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of the year and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be because of the circumstances that I went through in the beginning months of this year. And you know what? I am not even unhappy about it!
I feel like I am in such a better place than what I would have been. I don’t know for sure, I mean my situation today would certainly look different than it does. But I can most assuredly tell you that I see the hand of the Lord working in and over my life in so many ways as I look back and as I see things unfolding before me looking forward.
It’s a marvelous thing to have the spirit of the Lord guiding and directing you as you go. But in that, there is a lot of ongoing work that has to take place to get to that point.
As you may have guessed from the title I’m going to talk just a little bit about the refining process that we go through when faced with trials, challenges, adversity, etc. And how we can gain the inner strength to let them be a refining process rather than a defining process.
It is the 50th episode!!! YAY!!!! I felt like I should definitely lean in to what we are all about here at “pointing toward hope”. And I feel like the pieces for this episode have kind of been collecting over the last several days as I have had mini moments of inspiration when things that I heard or read or dreamt just sunk in. So I am going to try to collect all of those things and hopefully organize them into something that will be meaningful and impactful for you as you listen today.
I found a great talk By Ellen W. Smoot from April 2002 General Conference talk Called Developing Inner Strength. I will be referring to that throughout this podcast and will link it in the notes. I loved this question she posed. “How do you and I become so converted to the truth, so full of faith, so dependent on God that we are able to meet trials and even be strengthened by them?”
That just got me thinking about how we sometimes tend to lean into our trials more, then lean into the Lord. If that makes sense.
For example, we might tend to say this is just who I am, this is how it’s always gonna be and there isn’t a thing that I can do about it. So in my situation instead of saying I HAVE bipolar, it becomes I AM bipolar. Which is a totally false statement.
Do you see the difference? To say I AM something… is basically removing the possibility that I can change it from something that defines me. Just changing that one word or that one negative feeling, can allow me to turn it into something that refines me and grows me as a person if I let it.
From my standpoint, having Bipolar is definitely not something I enjoy. But it’s definitely not who I AM either. Changing my view of it has allowed me to turn something that has such a negative connotation into something of a miracle.
When YOU do this, then you can see the opportunity in the trial to make it into something miraclous. Something that will strengthen you from the inside to the outside.
Personally, I have worked really hard to take that feeling of being defined by my trial to being strengthened by and through it. I’ve tried to turn it into something positive that I can learn and grow from rather than feeling defeated by it. Which is not easy at all! To be honest, somedays it just downright stinks and I do feel totally defeated by it. There are just so many negative feelings that surround it.
I don’t think that I’m alone in that, when it comes to trials or adversity. There are a lot of situations where negative feelings and thinking take place. Thinking that you are defined by your trial, can happen with a lot of different types of experiences that we go through.
There are so many big traumatic parts of your life for sure! I am not diminishing those experiences in any way!
However, I feel like our tendency as human beings having an Earthly experience, we do tend to want to let those things define us or maybe we tend to look at them with negative thoughts and feelings. Like this is how other people define me or describe me.
I mean I could fall into that category very easily by letting those labels that are thrown around so lightly, be overwhelming and defeating. But I have gotten to the point where when someone says something like, “So and so is so dramatic and does this and this and this, they are definitely Bipolar”. I can blow that off. It always stings a little and sometimes I want to get defensive about it. But I’ve learned that I can’t take things like that personally. And you have to understand that when someone says something hurtful in a situation like that, they probably don’t have any idea that you were hurt. So why make yourself a victim over it?
Anyway, I kind of got sidetracked there for a little bit but I want you to just take a second and think about some of the things in your life that you see as negative experiences or trials. Maybe it’s not a sickness or illnes. Maybe it’s something that happened when you were a child, a mistake you made, or something that happened unexpectedly that has changed your life immensely. We’ve all experienced that in the last two years haven’t we?
The point I’m trying to get at is, can we try to see ourselves and our trials as a growing, learning, refining process? Think of it as being purified and polished just as a piece of metal when it’s being molded? And I’ll talk a bit more about that in a minute.
Recently, there was a brilliant woman that gave a talk in my church. And I think her talk was what kind of started the ball rolling for me. She gave so many good nuggets of wisdom. Her topic was having gratitude through adversity. That kind of sounds like an oxymoron, right? I mean how do you have gratitude when you’re going through really difficult situations?
While I was listening to her speak (it was a phenomenal talk btw) I kept having a thought run through my mind that I’d heard someone say on a podcast that I listen to. “Sometimes the miracle is IN the tragedy”. I don’t know why I was thinking that specific thought, but maybe it was because when we are going through something, anything really, if we try to look at it from a different perspective (which is what I think having gratitude in adversity means), then the whole experience can become a beautiful miracle.
At the end of this woman’s talk she said one thing that I have talked about before here on the podcast. And if you weren’t paying attention to her talk then you would have missed it. She said, when it comes to hard things and being grateful for them, think of them as refining you, NOT defining you! And even though I’ve said it myself many times, the way she paired it with gratitude just made me look at it from a little different perspective.
There is a video that I have watched and I’ll try to link it if I can find it again. About the process that a Blacksmith goes through when refining metal. I’m not sure if you are familiar with the process but let me just explain somewhat. It is a long and grueling process that requires intense heat and repeated hammering. A refiner is really good at knowing when the fire is hot enough but not too hot! And you also have to use fire and water, and you need to know how to use both of them together. And the reason is because the Blacksmith (or the refiner) needs to be able to bend and mold that piece of metal into something completely different. Free from impurities and something polished and beautiful.
Nobody wants to go through a refining process, right? I mean it is super intense. But in this process from what I understand the refiner is right there the whole time. He is completely in the entire process. The metal can not be left alone. There are certain things that need to happen at certain times. And you love this because in Isaiah, he teaches us about what our refiner, meaning Jesus Christ is like, when he says this in
Chapter 43:1-3 1 But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob (insert your name), and he that formed thee, O Israel (insert your name), Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.
2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour…
So He’s basically saying, Don’t you worry, I am going to be here every step of the way. I love you and I’m not going to leave you!
Is’nt that just so cool? He knows when the water comes and you feel like you’re drowning, He’s gonna be there! He knows when you feel like you are walking through fire and the heat is too intense and you want to give up, He’s gonna be there!
He is our refiner.
So I want you to remember that process as we talk about a couple of other mini moments of inspiration that I had this past week. So I was reading the Book of Heleman, and if you are familiar with this part of the Book Mormon, it is part of the war chapters and it can be difficult chapters to get through. But I determined when I started the war chapters back in Alma that I was going to get something to apply to my life out of these chapters. And you guys, I feel like the Lord answered my prayers on that so completely. I have really had so many mini moments. So I encourage you to really dig into those chapters and see if you can’t grab some gold nuggets out of there.
Anyway, back to Helaman it is Chapter 3 So just a refresher this is a time when many people are dissenting from the church and persecuting members of the church. At that time Nephi the son of Helaman is filling the judgement seat and he decides that because of the persecution they are going to leave Zarahemla and move to the land Northward. And it says it was a great distance. And you know they didn’t have cars and carts and all that back then. So I’m sure they were traveling with everything on their backs or their donkeys. It was probably extremely hot and they were thirsty and it was super hard.
And it says they crossed over many waters and rivers (remember the water and the heat of the refiner’s fire?). And when they arrived it was a land called Desolate. Why? Because there was nothing on the land it was barron, everyone! And so what did they do. In verse 7 it says this: nevertheless the people who went forth became exceedingly aexpert….. And then it goes on to say how they built houses and when trees grew they took care of them until they could use them. They built cities! So they took this trial that was upon them and they turned it into something amazing. And the Lord was with them through every step.
But then in verse 16 I believe, it was Mormon talking here. He goes back to before they left Zarahemla to explain what was happening there and what caused them to leave. And the following verse is what stopped me that morning.
35 It reads Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God.
And that’s the word that caught me, everyone! Yielding. What happens when we yield? We give others the right of way, right? So in this case they are yielding their hearts to the Lord! They are turning it over to the Lord knowing that he will sanctify them and purify them. Just like a Blacksmith does with the metal. When it is under that intense heat it is purifying it. Jesus is our refiner! He sees things from a much grander perspective. He can turn us into something beautiful. Something so much more than we can achieve on our own.
It just gives me chills when I think about how many times the Savior has walked with me through my trials, and turned them into a miracle.
It reminds me of when I was younger and I went through a pretty hard experience with some friends. I won’t get into the details, but I will tell you that it was something that happened to me way back when I was barely 13. And it concerned being bullied.
So you can imagine at 13, you are at such an impressionable age and you’re molding your identity and just changing so much and trying to figure out who you are.
And just at the peak of that time in my life is when this experience happened. It was an event that happened because of something careless that I said to someone, not thinking anything of it. Someone walking behind us heard it, and within minutes….. I’m not even kidding. I was surrounded by a group of girls pointing and laughing and bullying me. My friends that were with me when they surrounded me, quickly slipped out of the circle. And I felt so alone at that moment.
And to make matters worse, the bullying continued for several weeks. To the point that the principal and parents got involved. It was really quite hard as a 13 year old. I remember days when I thought I just couldn’t go to school. I would get stomach aches thinking about it. It still makes me anxious to this day.
But it was during that time that I decided to yield my heart to the Lord. What did he want me to do? I decided that I needed to have my patriarchal blessing.
So we scheduled it. And I was determined that I was going to prepare myself and be so ready for this because I really, really needed to hear from the Lord himself that everything was going to be ok.
So I did those things from verse 35… I fasted and I prayed and I humbled myself and I had faith that the Lord would come to me. Or at least be with me during this fire that I was experiencing. I yielded my heart to Him with all that I had.
Well the night came that we were to go to the blessing and I remember so distinctly like it was yesterday. I was so nervous and my palms were sweating and my stomach was growling and the Patriarch seemed to talk forever before he started the blessing.
And so he began… it was still and quiet except for when his clock chimed at the beginning. And at that moment I got my miracle. In the midst of my trial I recieved a miracle. It wasn’t from the words that were said, because honestly he was very well spoken and I didn’t understand a lot of the big words he used. Or the way he worded it. It was like scripture. But…. I do remember how I felt. When his hands and my father’s hands were on my head and the patriarch called upon the priesthood power, I felt a tangible presence like I’d nver known before. And it stayed with me until the clock chimed again and the patriarch closed the prayer.
It was so powerful that as we were driving home I remember asking my dad if someone else had joined them in the prayer. He was surprised at that of course and I explained what I had felt. And my parent’s and I were all in awe at the sacredness of that moment. He was there to let me know that He was with me every step of the way.
When I got my blessing and read it. There was one little part that talked about the friends I would have in my life. And some counsel on the importance of choosing good friends.
One thing that I determined at that time, is that I would do everything in my power to never make anyone feel the way I had through that experience
It left such an impression on me that I have never doubted the power of the priesthood. And I never hesitated to call upon it in times of great need.
Would I have been able to have that experience if I hadn’t gone through the bullying and felt abandoned by my friends? Maybe, but I don’t think so. I had to go through that trial to experience the miracle.
So let’s go back to talking about finding that inner strength to keep moving forward. As we have been studying the Doctrine in Covenants, in come follow me, about all the horrible things that the early members of the church went through, it has made me think more about where that inner strength comes from.
“In sister Smoot’s talk she shares an experience from a Pioneer woman who traveled across the plains from Navoo, ILL to Utah.
She shared the following: “To demonstrate the kind of inner strength I am talking about, I would like to share the story of Susanna Stone Lloyd, who at the age of 26 left England in 1856 and traveled to Utah alone. The only member of her family to join the Church, Susanna was a member of the Willie Handcart Company. Like so many other pioneers, she endured life-threatening hunger, illness, and fatigue.
Upon arriving in the Salt Lake Valley, Susanna borrowed a mirror to make herself more presentable. Despite her best efforts, she recounts: “I shall never forget how I looked. Some of my old friends did not know me.” Having sold her own mirror to an Indian for a piece of buffalo meat, she had not spent much time looking at herself. Now she did not recognize her own image. She was a different person, both inside and out. Over the course of rocky ridges and extreme hardship came a deep conviction. Her faith had been tried, and her conversion was concrete. She had been refined in ways that the very best mirror could not reflect. Susanna had prayed for strength and found it—deep within her soul.
If someone like Susannah can take a horrible situation like that and turn it into something so beautiful, can we? I am sure that she had to dig pretty deep within her soul to find the strength that comes in and through our Savior. Because let’s face it. We don’t get through these experiences without divine intervention. We can try. But speaking from experience, it sure is a lot harder when we try to do it alone. Without the help of our refiner.
We can walk through the fire on our own. We can feel like we’re drowning in our adversity. We can be hammered over and over again by the happenings of this mortal life. But it is so much more doable when we allow our Refiner, Jesus Christ, to be a part of the process. This proving process. This refining and growing and polishing process. Yes it stinks. Yes it hurts. But at some point we will be able to look back and see the tiny mercies. The little miracles. And in the end. If we endure it well, we can come out having been molded into something beautiful that anyone who looked upon us would just say, “wow”!
Have you ever done that when you have seen something that someone made that was so intricate and detailed and beautiful that all you can say is, “wow”? That’s the kind of miracle I’m talking about.
I promise you, everyone. You CAN receive a miracle in the midst of your trial. I have no doubt that the Savior is walking with you through it! He is in the process every step of the way. He won’t leave you. He can’t leave you! In order for you to be molded through the fires of life He has to remain by your side, so that the right things happen at the right time.
Lean on Him. Trust Him. Pray and fast often. Be humble and YIELD your heart to him. Let him take the lead. And then follow Him! I beg you to follow Him with all of your refined and purified and polished heart!
That’s it for today my friends! If you or a friend have had an experience that you’d like to share. Please contact me, I’d love to have you on the show. Talk to you again soon!
You are the ONE
Today’s message is short, but sweet. And I hope one that will resonate with you as you hear these words. “You are the ONE”.
These past several weeks I have had so many things weighing heavy on my mind. It all started with an experience that I had a few months ago that will forever leave an impression on my mind and caused me to go into deep research mode in all of the scriptures from the Old Testement in the Bible to the book of Moses in the Pearl of Great Price. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ we believe that we have many scriptures that have been given to us in these latter days. And we continue to be blessed with counsel and guidance from living prophets, seers, and revelators.
As I have struggled through this trial of faith, I have been so grateful that my Heavenly Father and mother and my brother Jesus Christ, see ME! Who am I, I have asked myself many times, to receive such love, compassion and understanding? And the answer is always quick and unfailing, “you are mine”. And you are “one” of my children whom we dearly love. It almost never comes in the same way. Most often it comes in the form of others lifting me and sharing their love with me. Messages that they have no idea, come directly from the Lord through them, to little ole me. But I see it and I recognize it and give praise for it. Because without it, I would be like a fish floundering out of the water, struggling for breath.
You see there are moments in this life, many moments when we need to be reminded that we are the “one”. The one that He sees and He loves, and He wants the best for. But it doesn’t come without work. It doesn’t come without asking, seeking and knocking. Sometimes we fall to our knees in anguish because it seems so impossible to get through what we’ve been asked to endure.
But I promise you, that if you will turn yourself over the Lord, if you will let faith lead you, if you will put your trust in the arm of the Lord and not in the arm of flesh, He will find you, the “one” that He has been waiting for to come follow Him.
Today I will be sharing some thoughts from Elder Ronald A. Rasband’s talk from General Conference, October 2000. Incidently, the General Conference will be held this weekend on October 2nd and 3rd. You can stream from the https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/ and I encourage all to watch, take notes, pray for personal revelation and then watch how the Lord caters to YOU, the “one” amongst many.
In His talk, Elder Rasband shares the following, “Throughout my life, I have come to know through my own experiences that Heavenly Father hears and answers our personal prayers. I know that Jesus is the living Christ and that He knows each of us individually, or as the scriptures express it, “one by one.”
This sacred assurance is taught compassionately by the Savior Himself in His appearance to the people of Nephi. We read of this in 3 Nephi, chapter 11, verse 15:
“And it came to pass that the multitude went forth, and thrust their hands into his side, and did feel the prints of the nails in his hands and in his feet; and this they did do, going forth one by one until they had all gone forth” (3 Ne. 11:15; emphasis added).
To further illustrate the “one by one” nature of our Savior’s ministry, we read in 3 Nephi, chapter 17, verse 9:
“And it came to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him” (3 Ne. 17:9; emphasis added).
We then read of the special blessing given to the precious children in verse 21: “And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them” (3 Ne. 17:21; emphasis added).
This was not a small gathering. In verse 25 we read: “And they were in number about two thousand and five hundred souls; and they did consist of men, women, and children.”
Certainly, there is a very profound and tender personal message here. Jesus Christ ministers to, and loves us all, one by one.”
I know that was a large portion of his talk to share but I felt like it so perfectly illustrated how Christ caters to the “one”. Even in the midst of a sea of people that number the grains of sand on the shores, He sees us each. He reminds us each that we are important and that He is very aware of the details of our lives that can be distressing for us.
As I said before, these last 2 months have been a struggle, but so many good and precious events have taken place that have reminded me that He sees me. It did not come without pleading and prayer and fasting. I was prompted to give up social media for a time. To clear my mind of clutter and unnecessary stress. I have been guided to the correct people, places and passages of scripture that have guided me on this continuing journey.
I have not found all the answers. Far from it. But I have learned a very important lesson. That the Lord works in “ones”. He does not forsake us. He never has and He never will.
So if you are having a similar struggle with something in your life. And you’re just not sure how you will go on or how it’s all going to work out. I want you to know that you are that “one”. He sees you, He hears you, and He will come to your rescue. It might not happen quickly. It might not happen in the way that you had hoped it would. But, it will come! Of that you can be sure!
Thanks for listening/reading. I hope that you will watch General Conference this weekend and let the Lord speak to you through his anointed ones. Until next time, my friends, choose to stay!
Willing to change
Hi friends, Welcome to the Pointing Toward Hope podcast. I am your host Wendy Bertagnolli. This podcast is filled with positivity for anyone seeking to find more hope and joy in daily life. The goal is to reach as many people as we can to help them to overcome and find joy even in the midst of extremely hard adversity. Thanks for listening. Be sure to subscribe and leave a review so that we can help as many people as possible. If you or someone you know has a trial that you have been able to get through or are working through with the help of our Savior, please contact me so we can get you on the podcast. This is episode 39.
“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up each time we fail.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson —
I want you to stop and think for a minute about all of the people you know that you would define as successful. I believe that you will find, as I did, that one of the common denominators that each of these individuals have, has to do with the pace they choose to set for their lives.
It has been shown in many studies that people who lead a busy life are more efficient and more effective people in general. Why is this? Most people would tend to believe that the opposite is true. But the main reason lies in the fact that busy people don’t sit around waiting for life to happen to them, they go out and make life happen for them!
When I graduated from high school I earned a cheerleading scholarship to attend College as well as a partial academic scholarship. It was my first experience away from home. Granted, it was only an hour drive so I could go home if the need arose. However, I was determined to survive on my own merits and so I tried to go home only on special occasions and when I had free time.
Free time was a rare commodity because I also chose to work as much as I could, to ease the financial burden on my parents. So between school, cheerleading practices, games, dating, and work, there was little time for homework let alone homesickness.
But on one particular day I was feeling relatively “blue”. Had I known what I know now, I would have been able to see this as a clear symptom of depression. It was a gray, and rainy morning and it just so happened that my first class was very early (due to work and practice commitments). To tell you the honest truth, the only reason I kept attending this class was that fact that I was really hoping for a date with a cute guy in the class!
I walked into class that morning ready to sleep through most of it, as usual, but to my surprise found written vertically on the board in huge capital letters the word PACE.
My professor proceeded to ask the class if they knew what this word meant. Most of us yelled out various definitions such as, setting the progression of an event, rate of movement, distance covered by a runner, and so on. Not one of us could give him the answer that he wanted to hear. And so he began to break it down. Positive Attitude Changes Everything! You control the PACE at which you will build your life, one experience at a time. You, and you alone control your attitude. Yes, you will experience ups and downs in this life. Yes, you will have heartache and happiness in this life. And yes, you will always be in control of the attitude with which you choose to face these experiences.
You have the power to learn and grow and become better because of these experiences. You also have the power to use these experiences as a crutch or a thorn in your side. To say, “If it wasn’t for this. . . I could have been this. . .” or “If this hadn’t happened. . . I would have been a better wife, mother, father, husband, daughter, friend, etc.” It’s time to throw out the “should haves”, “would haves”, and “if only’s”!
“Wow!” I thought. The rest of the class was a blur because I knew that with that one important lesson he was talking directly to me! I began to regret the many times that I had slept through the class thinking I “should have” taken a different class, and realized for the first time in my life that I literally had the power to control my own destiny!
Mind you, this was a small glimmer of hope, for there were many events that would take place in my life that would teach me the importance of putting that thought into action. I have to give credit to my parents, because they are two of the best role models anyone could hope for. My parents did everything they could to help me to learn that it was up to me what I would make of my life.
They helped me to build a strong foundation of religious belief, a love of God and family, and strong moral values. For this I will be eternally grateful. There have been many times when I have turned to this foundation of strength and endurance.
But there comes a time in every person’s life when they have to find these truths out for themselves. Some will call this awakening, discovering your identity. I like to call it “setting the PACE”. When everything that you have experienced in your life up to this point comes together like the pieces of a puzzle that suddenly connect.
When you finally realize, “Hey! I can make a difference in this life. I have just as much right to be whomever I want to be as any other person, regardless of what I have had to endure or what I will have to endure in the future!”
But this requires more than a thought, it requires action. Now don’t suppose that after that my life became perfect, full of sunshine and happiness. In fact, this was a small awakening that I would look back on to draw strength from, in my deepest, darkest moments.
NOTE: It’s important to take a breather here and explain that as many of you know, life happens and things can change drastically over the years. In the next section I will be talking about my former husband, who remains a good friend to this day. Was that marriage a mistake? Absolutely not. It was part of my journey and helped shape me into the person I am today. And we got 4 beautiful and amazing children along the way.
Now back to the book.
Shortly after this realization, I decided it was time to set my life on a course that I had always dreamed of. More than anything I wanted to be a wife and a mother. It just so happened that my future husband, had been chasing me relentlessly. You know the statement, “Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees?”
Well, in this case that statement rang true. This boy moved into my neighborhood when I was just eight years old and he was eleven. I will never forget my Father looking me directly in the eyes one night over dinner and saying, “Now Wendy, that’s the type of family you want to marry into!” My response was that of a typical eight year old, “Daaaaaad, ewwww!” To this day I still have not figured out how he knew before I did that that boy was the one I would eventually marry.
Our courtship was not easy. To say it was bearable would be a great understatement! My future husband would probably tell you that he would prefer to be hit by lightning than to go through our courtship again! Over a period of about a year and half, I single handedly succeeded in getting him to fall hopelessly in love with me. How I managed to do this I will never know. I think I did everything I could to torture him and drive him away.
We lived just three houses apart from each other on a dead end subdivision. I lived at the top of the street and he lived near the outlet. This put him in the perfect spot to see me drive up and down the street with various dates. Over that year and a half, we dated and then broke it off half a dozen times, and it was during those times that I proceeded to torture him.
I truly did not intend to do this. I felt that we had made it clear to each other that neither of us would have a problem with seeing the other person dating someone else. So you can imagine my surprise when he proceeded to feed me a little of my own medicine. Over a period of three weeks he made sure that I saw him having a great time with three different and very beautiful girls. Little did I know that he had no particular interest in any of them. One was “just a friend”, one was his friend’s date, and only one was actually a girl that he had any interest in. This didn’t matter to me, because what you see and what you feel can be two very different things and I felt jealous!
Not just a little bit, I was extremely jealous! To make matters worse, not only was I jealous, my mother was jealous for me! I knew it was time to make my move I had to reclaim my status with him! Now this may seem egotistical and I assure you that I really had no intention of raining on anyone’s parade, but I had finally realized what I was giving up and I wasn’t going down without a fight!
Fortunately, it never came to out and out combat. Whatever I had done to get him to fall in love with me must have been the right thing because he unloaded her like a bad habit! Lucky for me, he is a patient and very tolerable man. He has been the “wind beneath my wings” so many times I have lost count. To say he brings out the best in me would be a great disservice to him. He has treated me as if I were what I ought to be thus, I have become what I am capable of being. I hope that I do the same for him.
Having related this experience, let’s get back to setting the PACE. You see, I had to tell you a little bit about my husband in order for you to understand what he had to endure for most of the first eight years of our marriage. We brought our first child into this world just ten short months after we were married. Then seventeen months later, we had our first daughter. It was at this point that I realized how hard being a mother really is and I remember looking into my husband’s eyes and saying, “If you want more children, it’s now or never because I am not going through this stage again once I am out of it.”
If you have ever had two children in diapers and on a bottle at the same time you will be able to relate. I was so not independent and I knew if I became independent again I would never want to go back to that lack of independence.
Unfortunately, I was setting myself up for a long and hard battle with depression. First of all, if you have ever had a child or you have witnessed someone who had a child, you know how hard it is to return to pre-pregnancy shape; both emotionally and physically. Following the birth of our second child, I became pregnant again within twenty two months. After eight short weeks of constant questioning of myself, “What was I thinking?”, I miscarried this pregnancy.
Instead of seeing this as a sign that maybe I wasn’t ready for another child at this point, I blamed myself for the miscarriage because of my constant questioning. Consequently, I became pregnant again and delivered a beautiful baby girl twenty seven months after our first daughter. I think at this point I had a “help me make it through this stage Lord, and everything will be ok. ” attitude.
Boy, was I ever in need of an attitude adjustment. And yes, boy number two came along twenty two months later. So if you are doing the math, I had four children under the age five! What a nightmare! Not the children themselves, but my inability to deal with the task at hand and my ever changing hormones.
Now, you can see why I call my husband a patient man! Over the space of about four years I would go in and out of deep bouts with depression. I had a hard time coping with the mundane tasks of the day such as laundry, cooking, and cleaning up after the kids. Everything seemed overwhelming and instead of tackling one task at a time I gave up. Essentially this created a vicious circle. Not following through, giving up, and then berating myself for being such a terrible mother and person. It would get to the point where all I wanted to do was go to bed and wake up when it was all over. A serious sign of Post Partum depression.
Depression comes in different forms for everyone. So it is important that you understand that my experience with depression may not be what you have experienced but that does not make yours less real. Also it is imperative to understand that Depression is a condition that there is no cure for. Except in some cases of Post Partum Depression or other situational or environmental depression. And even then it’s tricky.
If you have been diagnosed with depression then you have to learn how to manage it so that the symptoms will be at a level that you can function with. There are many great medications available today that work very well and I highly recommend seeking out a professional who is trained in working with your specific form of depression to find out what works best for you.
For me, when a bout of depression is coming on I can actually feel a dark cloud settle upon me. It is so real to me that I feel like I could reach out and try to push it away. That’s when I know that something is out of balance and I need to re-evaluate what I have been doing. For you it might be much different.
The point is that it is important to get to know your body and your emotions well enough that you can manage it when it arises. During that four year period when I really did not know what was going on with my health, and the above situation would start to improve I would think, “Hey, things are looking up!” So what else would any normal person do at that point? You guessed it, I would take on another project. “I am woman, hear me roar”, right? Slowly and steadily, I was leading myself down a path where sometimes there is no return.
I was setting a PACE that had nothing to do with positive attitude and everything to do with lack of control. Because I felt that my abilities as a mother and a woman were out of control, I was looking for anything that I could control. As I sunk deeper into depression I struggled more to look like I was on top of it all, on the outside.
I wanted anyone and everyone to know that I was in control, when I knew full well I was anything but in control. If you have ever suffered from depression or know someone who has, you may be able to relate to this scenario. At home, behind closed doors I was falling apart and yet when I was around people I was very good at concealing what was really happening inside. I would put on what I like to call the “happy face” also known to many as the “mask”.
Of course this is not always the case, a lot of how we act and react has to do with the stages of depression we are in and how many times we have hit the lows. I happened to be very fortunate to have someone who loves me finally pick me up off the floor and tell me, “This is not real life. You don’t have to live like this!” My husband helped me to realize that it was time to ask for help. This disease was bigger than me and it was dangerously out of control!
Over the next few years I began my long road to recovery. It was never easy. My first step was to visit a therapist and talk about my options. This woman helped me to see that choosing to be on medication was not surrendering to the disease, but the beginning of the fight. She helped me to realize what my pattern had been for each bout of depression that I had experienced and what I could likely expect over the coming months.
She pointed out to me the pros and cons of being on medication. This was something that I could not have done for myself because I was not thinking rationally at that point. I feel that she helped me to understand that I needed an attitude adjustment, I needed to be willing to change my lifestyle and I needed to be able to think clearly so that I could set a new PACE.
As painful as change can be there is always growth and opportunity waiting to occur. For me, this meant starting on the road to recovery with what any person should do who has a disease, and that is to take the proper steps to help your body heal.
Even with all the controversy and stigma at that time over anti-depressants and depression in general, I couldn’t justify not taking this chance. It was a badly needed light at the end of the tunnel, it gave me hope!
Find a notebook or buy a cute fancy journal (whatever helps you want to write), and write down your feelings and experiences. You may think that this is a waste of time but, I can’t tell you how many times I have looked back on what I wrote during those down times.
Whenever I read the words that I penned myself, it helps me to know that things did get better, even when I could see no way out. Generally, I am not one who would push people to see a therapist.
But in the case of depression or the meriad of other emotionally dysfunctioning diseases, I highly recommend talking to someone about what you are experiencing. Even if it is just to sit down and have a real “heart to heart” with your husband, mother, sister, best friend, or clergyman.
Talking things out and getting them out in the open will not only let someone else in on what you are feeling, but it also helps you to sort things out in your mind. Talking it out and admitting that you might need some outside help, that what you are doing is not working, is the first step on your road to recovery. And believe me, what lies beyond that first step is worth the risk of putting it all out there. Hiding behind the “happy face” is no way to really LIVE life!