I lay here in the dark and I think of you in a beautiful garden. Exhausted from your work here on Earth. As you kneel near the rock, under the tree, I see you open your hands to the Heavens. And the words start to pour out of your mouth. It’s as if He’s right there, your Father, knowing what has to come next.
I begin to weep as I realize that the pain you must suffer is in some small part, due to me and my choices, to the decisions that I made, that I made a clear choice to create. The tears come freely now as I begin to understand that it is not just my choices, but my pain, my life, my illness that you so clearly will experience in these moments of the most awful act anyone could ever endure.
I am torn…on the one hand I feel the utter disgust at the decisions, the choices, I made that are causing you pain in this moment. Yet on the other hand, I feel the most incredible feeling of love and peace knowing that YOU love ME enough to do this for ME. Who am I? I am not learned, or important, or worth the pain that you are suffering at my expense.
I watch as you begin to cry. It’s as if I can feel your tears on my open hands. They fall in great droplets of pain and empathy and I am taken in great waves of grief. How could this happen? Why is this happening? Who would allow this to happen? And then I remember with great clarity, that this…. THIS was part of the plan. His plan, to save us all.
I hear the words ring in my ears that you speak aloud.
1 … Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee:
2 As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him.
3 And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.
4 I have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.
For a moment I am taken back to the fight. The fight for this plan to save us all. This eternal plan. And I remember it is in large part about our choices. Something called agency. Some call it “free” agency. But it is not FREE, it comes at a cost. A cost you so freely give
In the Book of Mormon we read in
11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.
He said “It is God’s will that we be free men and women enabled to rise to our full potential both temporally and spiritually, that we be free from the humiliating limitations of poverty and the bondage of sin, that we enjoy self-respect and independence, that we be prepared in all things to join Him in His celestial kingdom.”
He goes on to say,
“I am under no illusion that this can be achieved by our own efforts alone without His very substantial and constant help. “We know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” And we do not need to achieve some minimum level of capacity or goodness before God will help—divine aid can be ours every hour of every day, no matter where we are in the path of obedience. But I know that beyond desiring His help, we must exert ourselves, repent, and choose God for Him to be able to act in our lives consistent with justice and moral agency. My plea is simply to take responsibility and go to work so that there is something for God to help us with.”
I see Him there. Bleeding and in pain and I think of the many who suffer due to a choice that they did not choose. For those that do, it’s comforting to know that we have a Savior, who lives, who loves us, and who suffered the unspeakable, so that we can know joy again, no matter our circumstance.
I turn away as the pain is too much to bear. And then I am back, in my bed, laying in the dark and my pillow is wet with the tears that I wept. And I realize that I do have a choice. In this moment of sadness and pain. I do have a choice, because of you, my Savior, my brother, my redeemer, my friend. And I silently thank you, once again for allowing me to remember that I am not alone.