Today’s message is short, but sweet. And I hope one that will resonate with you as you hear these words. “You are the ONE”.
These past several weeks I have had so many things weighing heavy on my mind. It all started with an experience that I had a few months ago that will forever leave an impression on my mind and caused me to go into deep research mode in all of the scriptures from the Old Testement in the Bible to the book of Moses in the Pearl of Great Price. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ we believe that we have many scriptures that have been given to us in these latter days. And we continue to be blessed with counsel and guidance from living prophets, seers, and revelators.
As I have struggled through this trial of faith, I have been so grateful that my Heavenly Father and mother and my brother Jesus Christ, see ME! Who am I, I have asked myself many times, to receive such love, compassion and understanding? And the answer is always quick and unfailing, “you are mine”. And you are “one” of my children whom we dearly love. It almost never comes in the same way. Most often it comes in the form of others lifting me and sharing their love with me. Messages that they have no idea, come directly from the Lord through them, to little ole me. But I see it and I recognize it and give praise for it. Because without it, I would be like a fish floundering out of the water, struggling for breath.
You see there are moments in this life, many moments when we need to be reminded that we are the “one”. The one that He sees and He loves, and He wants the best for. But it doesn’t come without work. It doesn’t come without asking, seeking and knocking. Sometimes we fall to our knees in anguish because it seems so impossible to get through what we’ve been asked to endure.
But I promise you, that if you will turn yourself over the Lord, if you will let faith lead you, if you will put your trust in the arm of the Lord and not in the arm of flesh, He will find you, the “one” that He has been waiting for to come follow Him.
Today I will be sharing some thoughts from Elder Ronald A. Rasband’s talk from General Conference, October 2000. Incidently, the General Conference will be held this weekend on October 2nd and 3rd. You can stream from the https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/ and I encourage all to watch, take notes, pray for personal revelation and then watch how the Lord caters to YOU, the “one” amongst many.
In His talk, Elder Rasband shares the following, “Throughout my life, I have come to know through my own experiences that Heavenly Father hears and answers our personal prayers. I know that Jesus is the living Christ and that He knows each of us individually, or as the scriptures express it, “one by one.”
This sacred assurance is taught compassionately by the Savior Himself in His appearance to the people of Nephi. We read of this in 3 Nephi, chapter 11, verse 15:
“And it came to pass that the multitude went forth, and thrust their hands into his side, and did feel the prints of the nails in his hands and in his feet; and this they did do, going forth one by one until they had all gone forth” (3 Ne. 11:15; emphasis added).
To further illustrate the “one by one” nature of our Savior’s ministry, we read in 3 Nephi, chapter 17, verse 9:
“And it came to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him” (3 Ne. 17:9; emphasis added).
We then read of the special blessing given to the precious children in verse 21: “And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them” (3 Ne. 17:21; emphasis added).
This was not a small gathering. In verse 25 we read: “And they were in number about two thousand and five hundred souls; and they did consist of men, women, and children.”
Certainly, there is a very profound and tender personal message here. Jesus Christ ministers to, and loves us all, one by one.”
I know that was a large portion of his talk to share but I felt like it so perfectly illustrated how Christ caters to the “one”. Even in the midst of a sea of people that number the grains of sand on the shores, He sees us each. He reminds us each that we are important and that He is very aware of the details of our lives that can be distressing for us.
As I said before, these last 2 months have been a struggle, but so many good and precious events have taken place that have reminded me that He sees me. It did not come without pleading and prayer and fasting. I was prompted to give up social media for a time. To clear my mind of clutter and unnecessary stress. I have been guided to the correct people, places and passages of scripture that have guided me on this continuing journey.
I have not found all the answers. Far from it. But I have learned a very important lesson. That the Lord works in “ones”. He does not forsake us. He never has and He never will.
So if you are having a similar struggle with something in your life. And you’re just not sure how you will go on or how it’s all going to work out. I want you to know that you are that “one”. He sees you, He hears you, and He will come to your rescue. It might not happen quickly. It might not happen in the way that you had hoped it would. But, it will come! Of that you can be sure!
Thanks for listening/reading. I hope that you will watch General Conference this weekend and let the Lord speak to you through his anointed ones. Until next time, my friends, choose to stay!
I promised that today I will be doing a little recap on what’s been happening with my mental health over the past several months.
Just to preface, I’ve learned so much these past few months, more than ever before, about how important it is to let go and give your burden over to the Lord. In Matthew 11:28-30 it reads
Come to Me, all ye that labour and our heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
I’ve learned now more than ever, how much I can and should rely on the Lord and trust in Him. More than anyone, He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my fears. He knows the burdens that I carry. And He really is the only one that can shoulder that burden like no one else. He asks us to take His yoke upon us and let Him do the heavy lifting. How much easier it will be for us if we trust Him enough to let Him carry us when we can not carry ourselves.
This experience that I had the last few months has been nothing compared to what I’ve been through before when dealing with bipolar. But I have found that one of the most difficult parts of living with bipolar and being on the healthy side, is the fear of falling to the unhealthy side again. It is such a dark and frightening place to be. And there is so much trauma that can come to the surface because of being in that dark place. But sometimes we have to fall in order for the Lord to lift us up again.
When a loved one approaches you and says that things don’t seem right with you, it can be really devastating. And there is a real part of you that doesn’t want to believe it for fear of ending up in the dark place again. But that is when you really need to put your trust in those that know and care about you and especially in the Lord.
Sometimes the burden of living with bipolar becomes extremely heavy to bear. Even when I’m healthy, I worry about becoming unhealthy. I worry that my loved ones are always worried about me and watching my every move just to make sure I’m ok. I hate more than anything for those that I love to worry about me. So it’s become second nature for me to try to appear fine when deep down I may be struggling.
Struggling with just the simple fact of being tired of carrying the burden itself. Over the last few months for whatever reason, I was just really, really tired of carrying it. And I would pray so many nights to Jesus that I was just so tired, please just take this away so I don’t need to worry anymore.
And apparently, this whole time He was trying to teach me the way to ease my tiredness. To let Him take my burden upon Him, even if just for a little while.
So when my husband approached me to discuss what he had seen in me over the last few months, it was really devastating to me. Here I thought I was physically and mentally feeling better than I ever had. And that I was doing great. It was only in the recesses of my own mind that I gave way to my deeper feelings of how tired I was from constantly monitoring myself.
I was very, very emotional that night as we discussed the importance of checking in with my Doctor. I had the biggest knot in my stomach and felt physically ill. I was so scared that if we discussed it and there was an issue, then I would have to go into the deep rabbit hole of going through the process of trying to find a new medication. The thought of that was a pure nightmare for me to think about.
My husband offered to give me a priesthood blessing which I accepted. He went to prepare himself for it and I went into the other room to plead with the Lord. In that moment I realized that I had no control over the journey that the Lord had in store for me. And something just broke inside of me. I remember saying to Him that I was so scared of having to go into the dark place again. I heard Him whisper to me, “Do you trust me?” And I said back, “I do.” And I heard it again, “Do you really trust me?” and again I heard myself say that I did. In fact I said, “I trust you so much that if going back to that dark place is part of my journey, I will do it. I don’t want to do it. But for you, to show you that I trust you, I will do it.” And I meant it. I really, really meant it.
I went into the living room where my husband performed the blessing. He laid his hands upon my head and started the blessing. The first thing he said was “the Lord knows that you are tired of carrying this burden. He wants you to have the courage to continue in this difficulty.” And that’s when I knew that in this journey on Earth, this illness will always be a burden that I will carry. But I don’t have to do it alone. That He is there. And He knows that I am tired. He knows! I hadn’t said those words to anyone but Him. And that was Him telling me that He hears me. And He will help me to shoulder this burden if I will let Him.
I don’t know how else to describe how I felt except that I felt so “held”. That is the only word I could think of. Like I was enveloped in a big warm hug. And I felt that way throughout the rest of that week as I prepared for my appointment with my Doctor. As I sat in his office and discussed our next moves I felt that the Lord was there being my rock to hold onto. As I agreed to tweak my medication a little bit, I just felt so “held”.
And I thought of His hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt of my affliction. Those are the hands that held me in that moment, and let me know that it was all going to work out according to His will. And I trusted Him more than I ever have in my life that I would be able to handle whatever was in store for me.
Just to give you a little insight about me if you’re new to the podcast, I was diagnosed five years ago with Bipolar ll, after having 2 manic epsodes within two months that landed me in the hospital. Although, I have suffered from depression for most of my adult life.
Fifteen years ago I had my first mental breakdown. At the time I wouldn’t accept the diagnosis and kind of set about to prove the Doctors wrong. I was in denial and did not want to be labeled as “crazy”. Because let’s face it, that’s what most people think of when the word bipolar is mentioned. That word is tossed around so lightly these days as people talk about someone else’s behavior that they don’t understand. And to be quite honest, it is really distressing and inconsiderate to those of us who have mental illnesses of any kind.
Anyway, here is my timeline. I had suffered with what I thought was depression from the time my first child was born. I had Postpartum depression. And with each child it would get a little bit worse. With my fourth and last child, I finally realized that it was time to talk to someone about it. I knew from my previous births that the depression usually did not subside for around 9 or more months after the baby was born. I remember the therapist telling me after we had talked, that I had two choices. I could either take medication that would help me feel better within a few weeks or I could go ahead and wait it out and be miserable for the next several months. Well, that was kind of no brainer for me. So I went ahead and went on the medication.
Over the few years after that I jumped from medication to medication. They would work for several months and then all of sudden I would be feeling horrible again. During that time I started researching alternate forms of medication. I realized that there were so many other things that I could do on my own that would affect how I felt. Such as working out, making sure my stress levels did not get too high, making sure I was getting good sleep and good nutrition, and so on. So I started working towards that and slowly weaned myself off the medications for what I hoped would be forever. And I was able to maintain that for probably around 4 or so years.
But when you have a severe chemical imbalance, the chances of it coming to the surface again is quite likely, and may warrant medication.
I have mentioned before on the podcast that I do not discuss any of the medications that I have been on over the years because everyone’s body is different and what worked for me may or may not work for you and vice versa. I think that is a dangerous road to go down. We each have so many different chemicals and hormones that affect how we respond. It’s so important to follow what your Dr. suggests and find something that works for your body. I highly recommend if you have the funding or if your insurance will pay for it, that you get DNA testing to find out what your body is compatible with. I will discuss that in a few minutes.
Anyway,that breakdown 15 years ago, was what started me on the road to finding out what exactly was happening with my body. As I said I was in denial and did everything I could to prove that Bipolar was not what I had.
I went back to my nurse practitioner at the time, and explained what had happened. She knew my history and from what I explained to her about what had happened, we both came to the conclusion that I just needed to get some sleep. I had not been on any medication for the previous 4 or so years which I mentioned earlier, and didn’t believe that I would ever need it again. She put me on an anti-anxiety med that I would take as needed. Just when I felt stressed or a little out of sorts. It would calm me down and then I’d be ok.
At my next yearly appointment I was feeling some depression setting in. I had read about a certain medication in a magazine that had helped someone else. So she agreed and prescribed it for me. I was on that medication for 10 years. Clear up until my second breakdown (or manic episode) that landed me in the hospital.
And that’s where things started to get super out of control. If you want to read more about experiences that I had while trying to find the right meds you can go back to my post Living with Bipolar and several posts after that one.
Luckily at that time I was referred to a great psychiatrist that told me right from the get go. You have Bipolar ll, no arguing whether or not you have it. Apparently that’s a pretty common experience. I wonder why? With such a stigma about it, it’s no wonder that people don’t want to be labeled.
He said, “We are just going to work to get you better. It might take some time. But we are going to find out what “recipe” works best for you.” It was actually so comforting to have someone finally take control of something that I could not. And I also finally accepted the fact that I did indeed have Bipolar.
But it wasn’t a death sentence… this would actually bring me back to who I really was, underneath the mask of Bipolar. He wouldn’t put me back on that medication that had worked for 10 years because he said it was the wrong medication for my diagnosis and it would never work for me again.
Over the next year we were able to find my recipe. And once I did, I felt so much better than a year before when I was completely at my lowest point ever. So I never really questioned whether or not I could feel even better than I did. I didn’t feel completely like myself as I had on the medication that I was on for 10 years. But for me it was so much better than where I was a year before. It was good enough. I did not have a DNA test with that Doctor. He never suggested it, and I had never heard of it so there was no reason to do it.
I had my DNA testing done in 2019 when I was forced to change Psychiatrists because my current one was retiring. The Doctor that I found (after doing my homework to find a good fit for me), recommended it. I didn’t even know that such a thing existed and gladly said that I would. I had mine done through GeneSight Psychotropic and it is called Combinatorial pharmacogenomic test. What it does, is tell you what drugs on the market today are highly compatible, somewhat compatible, and not at all compatible with your individual DNA. So it is very valuable information.
We did that at my second appointment with the new Doctor. I was floored to find out that the medication that I had been on for 10 years (the one after my very first breakdown), was only moderately compatible with my body and the wrong medication entirely for my diagnosis. It was for depression and what I needed was a mood stabilizer since my moods were either really high and things were going great or I would sink into a deep depression. Apparently my first Dr. was right. One of the reasons I will always push for anyone going through mental health issues to find a good psychiatrist.
We also discovered that the medication that I was currently taking was only moderately compatible with my DNA. When we went over the report, my new Doctor suggested that eventually I might want to switch to one that was highly compatible for me. Of course I had been feeling good for 4 years at that time and was pretty gun shy when it came to switching. Why would I fix what was not broken? So I would go to my regularly scheduled 3 month appointments over the next year and we would discuss it again and I always said, “no, I don’t want to mess with what I’ve got going.” And he was very understanding and accommodating and agreeable. Until I started having some pretty severe sleep issues. Which was probably one of the biggest reasons that I ended up back in the hospital the second time. I was under a lot of stress and hardly slept at all for about 5 days. Not good.
I have mentioned many times that getting enough sleep is critical for someone who has a mental illness like bipolar. (Really, sleep is so important for everyone!) So that was a pretty great concern. My doctor mentioned that the other medication had a sedative. I would take it at night and it would help improve my sleep. But I still wasn’t convinced. Finally after nearly another year of not having really good sleep, I was ready to try it.
So that brings you up to date on my timeline. I switched medications at the end of March 2021, right after I started doing the daily podcasts (not great timing on my part). I was terrified of going back into that dark place, but my Doctor assured me that it would be better for me according to my DNA test. The first 4 days were so scary. I started feeling very jittery like I was on speed or something.
Similar to the way I feel when climbing the scale toward a manic episode. A good way to explain the kinds of things that my husband was seeing, is that they were small things that most people would not see or notice. Such as doing simple routine things in a different order than normal. Or becoming a little agitated about things I normally wouldn’t be affected by.
I called my Doctor and he assured me that it was not a manic episode according to what I described and asked me to give it more time. Within a few weeks the jittery feeling was gone and I felt better than I had since 2015 when I had the 2 back to back hospital stays. I finally felt like myself again. I had no idea that I could feel even better than I did. I was sleeping again. I had drive, and motivation. I felt clear headed like a fog had been lifted. I could focus and get things done. I loved it! And I still do. So what happened recently? Well, here’s the story.
Luckily, I am very good at keeping a daily journal. Just a couple of paragraphs of how I am feeling, and what’s going on in my life. It has been very helpful in being able to look back and discover where things started to become a little unbalanced. I had become a little lax on some of my daily habits. I was missing a lot of workouts, and my nutrition was really suffering. I was eating a lot of junk food and a lot of sugar. I was under a lot of stress, because I had to go through several medical procedures in one month. I am 53 and have a lot of hormonal issues as well.
And I got to the point where sleep was starting to become an issue again. So all this comes into play just as I have been working on adjusting to the new medication. When I look at it that way, I think that it wasn’t just the medication switch, it was everything combined. It was like heading into the perfect storm…. Again. And that’s why it is so vitally important to have a good support system in place. Someone who knows you well and can see when things are a little out of order (for me that’s my husband). And also to have a Doctor that is a good fit for you, that you feel comfortable with and who knows your history well.
I started to have what my Doctor calls “outliers”. Which basically means that I was super steady for a period of time and then I would spike and do something that was out of character for me.
What is interesting to me is that these things were so tiny that if you don’t know me well, you would completely miss them. Also, as I said in episode 32, most of the time they are such small things that even I can’t see that it is out of character. Which is quite common according to my Doctor.
So when these things start happening there are two directions it can go. Either someone recognizes it quickly and you see your Doctor and make adjustments. Or no one recognizes it until it’s too late. You have already climbed the scale to a manic episode. Which could mean hospitalization.
In my situation, we caught it very quickly, I was able to make the necessary adjustments in my medication. Remember I had just switched, so we were kind of in the process of finding the right recipe again. We knew it was compatible with my DNA. We just needed to find the right dosage. We made a minor change and since then I have been fine and the “outliers” have stopped.
But this whole experience taught me so much about myself and my illness and the journey that I’ve been on. I have gained an entirely new perspective that I think is really important. Especially when it comes to helping others be able to overcome their struggles. And also to allow me to continue on my journey toward wellness. I know now more than ever that I have to be so vigilant with my daily habits, and be sure I don’t miss days with my medication. That’s why I like to call those who suffer with mental illness, warriors. Because we are in the fight for lives every single day.
Even though this is a sickness that can not be seen by the naked eye, like cancer, or diabetes. It is still life threatening. People who have not been through it or witnessed a loved one going through it, don’t understand that. That’s why we have so many suicides and so many mentally ill people who are not getting the care that they so vitally need. They don’t have a support system in place that can help them. It’s easy to abandon someone when you feel like they are just being negative and difficult.
We need to be better at recognizing and understanding when someone is ill and support them instead of shunning them. There is nothing more frustrating for a person who is suffering than to have someone say that it’s all made up or they are doing things to hurt people intentionally.
It becomes debilitating and demeaning to be made to feel like there is something wrong with you as a person. When the truth is, you are sick. What you have is an illness that needs to be separated from the person that God made you to be. There is nothing wrong with the “you” God made you to be. You are human just like everyone else. Your illness does not define who you are. Just like you are not the cancer or you are not the diabetes. Yes, it is something that you have, that you live it. But it doesn’t make you, you!
So my invitation to all of you today is: If you struggle with mental illness of any kind, find a psychiatrist that comes highly referred and is a good fit for you. Going to a psychiatrist does not mean you will necessarily need medication. There are many behavioral modifications that you can make with their help. Choosing to seek help is not a sign of weakness! It takes courage and strength to admit that you need help!
And then do whatever you need to, to find someone who can be a good support system for you. Someone that knows you and can help assess the situation when things seem out of the ordinary.
If you have no one, seek out a therapist. I know all of this is expensive and sometimes it’s hard to get insurance companies to pay. I won’t even go into my thoughts on that disservice! But if you can find a way to do it, the investment into your health will be worth every last penny.
And if you are a loved one of someone who is struggling, do everything you possibly can to help them recognize how much you love them and support them and want the best for them. Encourage them! Don’t demean them. Don’t minimize their illness or their struggle. Validate their feelings and do whatever you can to help them to know that they can trust you.
And to all of you together, I encourage you to trust in the Lord with all your heart, might, mind, and soul . Because He’s got you in the palms of His Hands. You are “held” always! Until next time. Take care.
XO Wendy
If you made it this far. Thanks for reading. If you or someone you know has a trial that you/they’ve been able to get through with the help of our Savior, please contact me so we can get you on the podcast. My goal is to reach as many people as we can to help them to overcome and find joy even in the midst of hard things.
Hello my friends! There are so many things that I have been thinking about these past few weeks and months as we have all gone through so much with Covid, natural disasters, death, loss of businesses and the uncertain political climate.
I myself have struggled this past several weeks with feelings of depression and isolation despite my best efforts to maintain good health. Trying to all the right things and to just take the next right step.
Living with Bipolar is very often that way. It seems sometimes, when things appear to be going so well we can get caught off guard. The adversary would have us believe that we are not worthy of the blessings of the Lord. But I can assuredly tell that we are. And as hard as it is, we must keep going, keep pushing, keep looking up as I talked about a few episodes back.
The word that just keeps coming to me over and over is endure. Because it really feels like we have been stuck in the “song that never ends” haha you know that one that you sing as kids. Here’s the link just in case you’re not familiar https://youtu.be/xz6OGVCdov8….. Anyway, you get the picture. Today I want to talk about the subject of enduring through adversity, but first I want to tell you about an experience that I had this past week.
I was outside one day and I watched as a beautiful hawk spread it’s wings and glided through the cool air. And then it just so happened that I started to see hawks everywhere! Have you ever done that? Well usually when that happens to me it’s because there is a message that I am supposed to get. For me, that’s kind of how the spirit works. When I start seeing things repeatedly, or get thoughts over and over that I wouldn’t have generally thought of myself, it’s usually the Lord trying to tell me something or give me a certain lesson. What I got from this message as I started seeing these hawks soaring in the air is that I was reminded of the scripture in
Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
As I thought about eagles and what this particular scripture was trying to say, I decided to research a little more about them and here are some of the things that I learned.
First of all, I love how big and majestic eagles look as they hover in the sky high above the ground. Did you know that eagles can fly higher than any other birds usually around 15,000 feet high? They get their lift from the warmer air that is closer to the sun, allowing them to glide for long periods of time. And that is how they conserve their energy by not having to flap their wings so much.
Eagles are among the strongest animals and their eyesight is 5 times stronger than that of a human. History has it that the eagle has the sharpest vision of all birds. When its eyesight grows dull with age it glides up towards the sun, and, by staring at the sun, which only an eagle can do, it burns away all the mistiness of age. ….They can detect UV light and can identify colors better than humans. To keep their balance and glide smoothly in the air, eagles will shed a feather on one side when the other side loses it!
Eagles can also fly as fast as a speeding car. So their wings are extremely strong and powerful. And their vision is impeccable.
They are unique in the way they care for their babies. Baby eagles are usually full grown by 12 weeks and too heavy for the female to carry. So she won’t push her young out of the nest to learn to fly, instead she will discontinue feeding them when she thinks they are ready to take flight thus forcing them to fly so they can find food to survive.
The word eagles is mentioned over 30 times in the Old and New testament of the bible and the imagery is often used to portray God’s power.
Now back to the scripture, it says “they shall mount up with wings like eagles”. So we have already established how powerful their wings are. So let’s just find the meaning of the word, mount.
The first definition of mount is that it means to go up, climb or ascend. Some synonyms are to arise, escalate, soar, ascend, rise, scale, tower, bestride, escalade, lift.
The first part of the scripture says, those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up (arise, lift or soar) with wings like eagles (remember extremely powerful and strong). Now think of all of those traits that we talked about that eagles have. Sharp vision, they draw strength from the sun, they instinctively know how to maintain their balance and they can exceed the heights of others.
So you may be thinking well this is all great Wendy but how does this apply to enduring? And we are gonna get there I promise. But first we have to look at the first sentence of the scripture. But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength;
You know sometimes we feel like we have just had about all that we can take. And I feel like practically every day this year, I wake up and something new and crazy has happened. I think how can this get any worse? And above that, how do I keep going through all the crazy? Well the answer I think, is that we WAIT on the Lord. One of the definitions of Wait is to look forward to eagerly. As in I can’t wait for Christmas. But that’s not exactly what we feel like when we are in a state of enduring right? It’s more like “you mean I have to wait longer?”
In Elder Jeffrey R.Holland’s talk from this past general conference he said, “… there will be times in our lives when even our best spiritual effort and earnest, pleading prayers do not yield the victories for which we have yearned, whether that be regarding the large global matters or the small personal ones. So while we work and wait together for the answers to some of our prayers, I offer you my apostolic promise that they are heard and they are answered, though perhaps not at the time or in the way we wanted. But they are always answered at the time and in the way an omniscient and eternally compassionate parent should answer them…..”
I think it’s important to note that I didn’t hear this talk (or at least if I did it’s clear I wasn’t paying full attention), but after I planned this entire podcast, I was led to listen to his talk. And I cried, because it is exactly what I needed to hear. And maybe YOU need to hear it again too. I’ll put the link in the show notes.
So many people are experiencing feelings of depression, isolation and fear during this 20/20 year. Remember? This was supposed to be the year of perfect vision? Not quite the perfect vision of the eagle that we talked about earlier.
It’s far worse than what we ever imagined, right? Or is it? What if this IS the year of perfect vision? What if this IS the year that we learn and grow and soar more than we ever have? What if this year IS the year that we wait on the Lord and renew our strength in Him?
I have a couple of experiences that came to my mind about having to wait. Going back to about 2016, I had been diagnosed with Bipolar ll and I was in a really bad place physically and emotionally. I’m not going to go into the whole experience here. You can learn more about that by clicking on this link. During that time I had two experiences that helped to remind me of the importance of waiting on the Lord.
The first one was a dream that I had. I was riding in a car with my husband and it was a blizzard outside. We could barely see the road because of the wind and the snow falling. We were on a canyon road that was a mountain on one side and a drop off on the other. I could see that we were dangerously close to the cliff. Suddenly the car began to swerve and it was obvious that we were going to slide off the road. There was nothing that we could do. I remember feeling so helpless as I looked to my husband and saw the same look on his face. I was thinking “Is this really how it is all going to end for us?”
As we slid off the cliff and started falling, I was astounded as I looked to the left, to see a large hand glowing white, come around the front bumper of the car. It was a huge hand that engulfed the whole left side of the car. And then as I glanced to the right I saw another huge glowing white hand (I can’t really say glowing, it was more like on fire), brighter than you can imagine. I definitely knew, in my mind’s eye, that it was God’s hands coming around the car to shield us from the impending crash. I remember feeling incredibly grateful for the strength and comfort that seeing those hands brought to me.
I could see that we were going to crash. But I could also see that we were going to be surrounded in the arms of his love and in some way protected from the inevitable damage that would take place. Then, just as the hands came around us, we began to hit the trees… and that’s when I woke up.
When I told my husband about my dream he said, “well we did kind of go off a cliff!” And even though I laughed when he said it, I knew he was right.
When I went into the hospital during my manic episode it was literally like falling off a cliff. We were also struggling with some other issues at the time. I had been praying and pleading with the Lord to help us find a way out of the situation that we had been in. I feel like this dream came to me to remind me that even though we experience REALLY TOUGH things in our lives, He is always there to protect us when we go off the cliff and hit the trees. We may still hit the trees and come crashing down. But He will always be there to surround us in his love. When we wait on the lord our strength will be renewed.
I remember at around that same time we had missionaries from the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints of which we are members. They were there to teach my husband about the church and remind us of how much Jesus loves us and wants the best for us.
One night they shared a scripture passage with us from a story in the Book of Mormon about people who had been enslaved, most of them, their whole lives. It read:
13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. Mosiah 24:13-15
I remember that after the sisters left, my husband and I just sat there stunned. This was the Lord speaking directly to us! Telling us that he would Strengthen us and that he would deliver us from our afflictions. There is power in the scriptures, my friends, that we can not get from any other source. I love the scriptures and the answers that we can get from the Lord through them.
As we sat together and opened back up to that scripture I read ahead to the next verse which says, 16 And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.
I pondered upon that scripture as we sat there and it was as if the Lord was telling me that we were about to get through this trial. My heart was filled with gratitude and I was so overwhelmed with joy…I was thinking on the morrow, Lord does that mean that we are almost through this. It was like I was jumping up and down like a little kid, inside. Until I heard Him whisper “But…” I remember thinking, no wait! no buts what do mean, but? And then I heard “yes this trial will end but not yet, you must endure a little longer. You have to have great faith and patience and wait on Me, it is my timing not yours.”
I remember weeping as I thought of how much longer we might have to go through this refining process. But it is when we wait on the Lord, that our strength will be renewed.
Also In the recent General Conference just a few weeks ago President Russell M. Nelson spoke these words, “Are you willing to let God prevail in your life? Are you willing to let God be the most important influence in your life?” He went on to say, “The word willing is crucial…. We all have our agency. We can choose to let God prevail in our lives, or not. We can choose to let God be the most powerful influence in our lives, or not.”
In that same thought process. We can choose to endure, or not. There is a great promise that comes with the Isaiah 40:31 scripture. Did you catch it in the beginning?
Let’s read it again, But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
If we have faith and are willing to let God prevail, to wait on Him and His timing, we shall mount up with wings like eagles (remember “ arise with strength and great power”), we shall run and not be weary, we shall walk and not faint.
So just as in the scriptures we read that night with the sister missionaries, I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage. His promise to us is that we will be able to be sustained in our waiting period. He will give us the strength to bear up our burdens with ease if….. we will wait on Him, that our strength will be renewed.
Like the eagle, WE can have Sharp vision, when it comes to our future and the trials we are facing. We can draw strength from the son meaning Jesus Christ. We can instinctively know how to maintain our balance and exceed heights that we never thought possible. Wait on the Lord, my friends, have your strength renewed through and By Him. He loves you so much! But it is his timing and our faith and trust will create our endurance to get us through whatever hard thing we are going through.
He loves us just like those eagles love their babies. But sometimes He has to let us go without food for a little while so that we can learn to fly, so that we can look to Him for guidance and strength. But also realize the strength that we have in our own “wings”.
This past Sunday we were able to return to our church building for the first time since Covid. I was so excited to be in the building and worship with all my brothers and sisters in the gospel. It was so touching and so great to be back. One of the speakers we had, said something that I thought went right along with what I’m talking about. He said, “sometimes we worry so much about the Why’s that we forget about the WITHOUTS”, and I was intrigued and wanted to know where he was going with this.
He went on to say that when we are enduring trials sometimes we focus so much on WHY we are facing this particular struggle, that we forget what we would be WITHOUT had we not gone through it. I think about this and all the many miracles that have happened in my life since going into the hospital 5 years ago and being diagnosed Bipolar. It’s humbling to think about how my life has changed and grown in ways I never thought possible. But if all I ever focused on was the WHY did this happen part, I would not be able to enjoy all the things that I would have been WITHOUT had it not happened. It’s difficult sometimes when you are in the middle of a trial to think of a statement like that. It’s certainly easier to look back on the trial and see the WITHOUTS. But that is when I want you to remember, if we wait on the Lord, our strength will be renewed!
I believe that the struggles that we’ve shared This year and some that have been individual have been for our benefit. It’s possible that this IS part of His plan for us. This year, this 20/20 crazy year. Could it be that it’s to help us rise up and soar to new heights and see with clear vision that the Lord will prevail? I say with God, all things are possible. You can do this! You can get through this trial. And you are going to look back and be so grateful for all of the things that you are not WITHOUT and all of the things you’ve learned!
You can listen to this post by clicking the link at the bottom of post.
Last week I was on my morning walk, which I have grown to love. It’s something that I picked up since Covid started. You know having the time at home, not having to rush to get a workout finished before work, has allowed me a little more time to really take in my surroundings in nature and it really has been so much fun. Breathing in the fresh air has been a balm to my soul that I didn’t know I needed and I am so glad that I have taken the time to do that.
Anyway, back to that recent morning. I walked out my door and it was cloudy and sprinkling a bit and I considered going back in to do a streamed workout. I was a little worried because I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a TN rainstorm or not. But I grew up in the West and we do not have the “buckets of rain” downpours that are here in the south! I remember the first time I was in a Southern downpour. I had to get out my phone and video it because it was so impressive! Y’all, if I caught in a downpour, I was going to be drenched in about 1 minute. But I heard that sweet whisper that I’ve come to know say, “keep going, I’ve got something special for you today.” So I kept going.
And sure enough, not far into my walk I began to notice things that I don’t normally. Now, I don’t normally wear sunglasses on my walks because my sight since I turned about 48 has been pretty bad and I just feel like sunglasses, even though made to protect, kind of impair my vision a little more. So I don’t wear them on my walks. I know this is going to sound contradictive to what I just said or maybe just plain stupid but that’s just what I like, haha. So because I don’t wear sunglasses I can’t really look up because then I have to squint because of the reflection from the sidewalk and the pavement. So I end up looking down a lot as I walk. So anyway as I walked I noticed that because it was cloudy, I could look up no problem. And I heard the whisper reinforce my thought “look up”! I walked a few more feet and heard another whisper, “Lean in”. This is one that I’d been having repeatedly over the past several weeks but now it was all coming together.
So here I am thinking “Look up, Lean in” and pondering upon that. I continued walking and soon the whisper came again. “Look up, lean in, walk tall.” By this point I am thoroughly enjoying the light sprinkling on my face and the beautiful cloud cover that has allowed me to look up and now I feel like God is giving me this message to share with you all. “Look up, lean in, walk tall.”
Now let me just say that I know this message that I’m about to share with you was impressed upon MY heart for me but I believe there is someone out there today that needs to hear this message too (maybe a handful of you). I’m the messenger and I pray that I can do it adequately enough to be able to touch the heart of those that need it, and that God wants to hear it.
I was reminded one of my favorite scriptures, Proverbs 3:5-7
5Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. And verse 7 that is overlooked often.
7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.
He asks the question Do we trust Him? Meaning God. Do we trust His commandments to be for our good? Do we trust that the Lord does know each of us and wants to help us? Even and especially in the midst of trials, challenges and hard times, do we still trust Him?
I recalled an event that I had several years ago at a week long girls camp that I was called to be one of the leaders of. These camps are adventures in learning both physically and spiritually out in nature without the conveniences of everyday life. It provides a canvas so to speak from the Lord to work with in helping these girls (and ourselves) grow closer to Him.
So there was this hike that we did every year. It was called Mount Baldy. I’m not sure if there is a significance to the name or not. Maybe because it was surrounded by foliage and was flat and clear on the top, lol. It was not an easy hike though. I remember the first mile and a half was not too terrible. Still a hike and one that was good for the younger girls who were on their first year of camp. Not too hard but just hard enough to learn the lessons that they needed at that time. They stopped there in a meadow and had lunch and then would trek back down to camp.
The older girls were required to hike to the top of Mount Baldy and it was not an easy climb. The last leg a quarter mile or so was especially difficult. You could choose one of two paths to get to the top. The first wound round and round the Mountain on a steep grade eventually getting to the top. Though hard and longer than the other, it was not as difficult as the other less chosen path. Which was straight up the mountainside. Well at least it felt like straight up. All I know is that it was steep enough that you could only see the very top of the cell phone tower that was at the completion of the hike. Some of the braver girls had already started to scurry up the side and the other leader and myself had to draw straws as to who was going to stay with which group of girls. I drew the short straw, lol.
I found myself hiking up the mountainside to try and catch up with the brave, courageous girls. Within several feet I had to stop to catch my breath. My lungs were hot and my thighs were burning. I turned to glance down at some of the other girls behind me. Some were slowly making their way up and others had changed their minds and chosen the other path (which I might add was still not easy). I saw one girl really struggling but determined to keep going. I waited for her to catch up and grabbed her hand to urge her to keep going.
I went a few more feet and had to stop and rest again. At this point I started to question my forethought that I was in pretty good shape, obviously, I still had some work to do in that area! But then I heard that familiar whisper, “Do you trust me?”, Yes I trust you Lord. Then keep going, it will be worth it!” So I continued to trudge my way up the mountain side.
Now what I haven’t told you about is that particular year there was an extreme amount of rain the first day of camp and we had been in mud up to our ankles. Our tennis shoes had been caked with mud the whole first day and our campsites were all a muddy mess. Me not being a lover of the outdoors, I was pretty much ready to go home on this the second day and we still had 4 days to go. But I had not yet been to the top of Mount Baldy and had volunteered to be one of the leaders to go.
Besides that the trail down the mountain had been closed for the day anyway because of the mud and so even if I had given up, the only way out was to walk on a very muddy, very long, hike down the mountain trail. And that would have been even more crazy than Mount Baldy, lol.
I was second thinking that decision now. As we got a little higher when we looked up we could barely see the top of the tower. When we looked down, all we could see was the forest surrounding us. So up the side we continued to go. Of course I was highly reconsidering my ambitious volunteerism. But I’d been told by several, including the Lord, that it would be worth it. I heard the whisper again, “Do you trust me?” and I was thinking of course Lord of course I trust you. But I was reminded of the many times that I hadn’t trusted him.
I thought of how our Savior must feel as he sees us constantly struggling to overcome the challenges that we face and the struggles that beat upon us during this life. I remember his coaxing, “Do you trust me?”
We know that the Lord trusts us. He gave us this life and He has faith in us. He sees the view from above and He sees the amazing work of art that we can be. He trusts us to make good choices and to come to Him when we inevitably make poor choices. He trusts us with our lives, and with the lives of our children and these girls and those around us that He has asked us to watch over through His promptings. He trusts that we will do what He can not do. He trusts us to be His hands.
He trusts us to continue our hike uphill through the trees the rocks, the unseen obstacles and the mud to make it back to Him.
But the question is, do we trust Him? Do we really trust Him? He sees us at our best and at our worst. He sees us in our triumphs and our failures. He sees us in sickness and in health. He sees us today and He will see us tomorrow. He comes to us in the messiness, the broken, the heart wrenching and He restores us.
Do we trust Him enough to look up? To look to Him the source for our peace?
Going back to Stanley G. Ellis’ talk He says, “Hard makes us stronger, humbles us and gives us a chance to prove to ourselves….. The hard is the constant! We all have challenges. The variable is our reaction to the hard.”
That brings me to the second part “Lean in”. When I had this thought I could picture a big huge rock. The rock, representing the Redeemer.- I remembered a scripture that I’d recently read in Heleman 5:12 from the Book of Mormon and I could picture this giant rock and just leaning into it and knowing that no matter what, that rock was solid, it wasn’t going anywhere. The scripture comes from a story in the Book of Mormon were a father is counseling his sons and says “And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.”
This made me think back to the Proverbs scripture, …lean not to thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge Him… the rock the one we lean TO, hang on TO for support, pray TO when all feels lost and crazy. It’s Him that we can trust. Look up TO! Lean in TO!
Lean suggests a shift of balance but maybe the shift that He’s talking about there is the shift to Him, the Savior, shift TO the rock, our redeemer. Look up, lean in and then walk tall! Only when one’s heart is fixed on God can a person begin to think properly. Walking according to God’s will puts the person in a position to have God lead the way and open the doors to the life that He so desires for you.
Now back to the story, I’m sure you are dying to know if we all made it to the top of Mount Baldy. You have guessed that we did I’m sure. But let me tell you, it was one of the hardest ⅛ of a mile I have ever been on, lol. It really was not long but boy did it feel like it. I took a couple of girls by the hand and pulled them the last few feet up.
It was absolutely breathtaking! I will never forget the beautiful sight at the top of Mount Baldy. We could see all around the valley. We could see our campsite far below. We could breathe the clean fresh air in and out of our tired lungs. Our legs burned, but our hearts and souls burned brighter because of the challenge we had just overcome. We each shared our feelings of what our thoughts were as we climbed and what it felt like to reach our destination. It was amazing the lessons that had been learned during a half day hike, most of which had happened in that last challenging part of the hike.
As I reflect back on this event I am reminded of the many challenges we face in our lifetimes. Our paths are all different yet no less difficult. And though we can support and love each other through the difficult and the hard, we can not take that challenge away. That is how we grow. Look up, Lean in, Walk tall you are a child of God!
He is the source, He is our rock. We can hold our heads up high and walk tall because of not in spite of our challenges.
I think about a chrysalis. There is a story you may have heard about a man who found a chrysalis and saw a small opening appear at the top. He watched the butterfly struggle for hours trying to get through the tiny hole. But what happened was that suddenly the butterfly stopped and it appeared that it had completely given up. The man, thinking that he was doing the butterfly a service, took a pair of scissors and carefully cut the opening so that the butterfly could become free. So then the butterfly was able to get out easily but the man noticed that it’s body was swollen and the wings shriveled. And he didn’t really think anything of it, he just watched and figured that the butterfly would develop and the fluid from it’s body would fill the wings and it would fly away. What he didn’t realize was that in freeing the butterfly he had hampered the development that would have happened had the butterfly continued to struggle and push through the Chrisilys which is Nature’s way of pushing the fluid from the body and into the wings of the butterfly. Instead it spent the rest of it’s life walking around with a swollen body and shriveled wings, unable to fly.
So back to Proverbs verse 7 Be not wise, in thine own eyes. Sometimes we think that we know what’s best for us, that we have it all figured out. And I am not going to discount that intuition is a very large part of getting through our struggles and challenges. But the variable is our reaction to the hard. We can choose to embrace the hard, choose to control the things that we can control.
Also, something that I learned when I was struggling to get some relief with my mental illness, I would have people say things like, “you just need to get out and get some fresh air, or come go shopping with me, retail therapy will make you feel so much better. And I often thought, “you can’t wish this problem away. It is what it is. Don’t try to solve my problem, just give me faith to endure! Just help me build the faith to make it through this challenge.
Sometimes in our eagerness to take away another’s burden we hamper their growth. I think of all the things that I would not have learned. All the ways that I wouldn’t have grown. The empathy that I never would have built. The places that I wouldn’t have gone had I not suffered through this challenge.
We can support others, we can validate them, yes it’s hard, yes it’s a struggle. Yes things are tough and look unending. But through it all we must have the faith to look up, lean in and walk tall, trusting that He will carry us through the hardest, most challenging leg of our journey. That He will open the doors in front of us that He will place the people in our path to help us when we don’t think we can take another step forward through the mud and the muck. Let Him help you. His way is always better, always better than ours!
XO Wendy
The journal prompt that I have for you today is:
What can I change in my thought process of this current challenge, that can help me to Look up, Lean in and walk tall?
I was looking back on some of my posts from this year and boy oh boy, did I NOT see all of this coming in 2020. I’m sure that we can all say that, unfortunately.
But I am an eternal optimist, and although this year started off with a bang, I am determined to make sure that the experiences that we’ve all been through this year don’t end up without a lesson learned.
So tell me what lessons have you learned this year? Here are a few of mine (in no particular order).
If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear. I believe this has been a tough one for all of us to learn. Especially if we may not have heeded the warnings over the years from our leaders. We have been exhorted to keep several months worth of food storage. To have a 72 hour preparedness kit on hand should the need arise. Unfortunately the need has arisen this past year. Not only have we needed to be physically prepared, this year has given us great cause to be spiritually prepared as places of worship have been unable to operate and social distancing has precluded us from spending time with our fellowshipping communities. We have been counseled to be spiritually prepared in probably the most often quoted passage from President Russell M. Nelson this year. He strongly admonished us to be ready. He said, “In coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost.” I trust that we have all learned this great lesson to be prepared both physically and spiritually.
Family and friendships should be first on the priority list, ALWAYS. We have really learned this lesson the hard way! Around the world we were/are all asked to social distance to keep Covid-19 from spreading. So no more hugging, shaking hands, going to lunch and just plain hanging out with friends. We have been limited to spending time in our homes with our immediate family members with limited resources for entertainment. With schools and entertainment venues being closed, we have had to go back to a former time when riding bikes, doing puzzles, playing games and being bored sometimes, were the norm. I think we have realized that all of those things have great value and importance in building and strengthening our relationships as we slowly return back to a new normal.
Human life is fragile and can change in the blink of an eye. So many of us (if not all) have been forever changed by tragedy this year. From tornadoes, earthquakes, fires and floods, to sickness, depression, loss of life, and loss of celebration of our most precious moments. I think it’s safe to say that we have all been affected in some way or another. Not being able to be with someone in the hospital and them having to shoulder something horrible all by themselves, has been one of the most heart wrenching experiences to witness. The importance of being with our loved ones in hard times and in times of great joy have new meaning now. Leaving this Earth, coming into this world, and loving while here on this Earth have hopefully been deeply ingrained as the most important elements of our life here on Earth. That lesson has been deep and hard in so many ways. May we be forever grateful for all the life we have been given, and not take another single minute for granted. It can all be taken away from us without a moment’s notice.
Stillness is a practice to be appreciated. For the Bertagnolli household, all of the craziness of life, work, school, running kids to and from activities and practices, all came to a screeching halt when the tornado hit us on March 2-3rd (in the middle of the night). The boys’ school was destroyed. So the focus became, where and how are the boys going to have school? The first 2 weeks of March (approximately) that was our primary focus. Thank goodness we did not sustain damage to our home but many, many of our friends did. Not only did they have to worry about school, but how and where they were going to return to normal life? And then, within days of decisions being made as to where the boys would be going to school and cleanup and repairs being made to homes and businesses, BOOM, shut down the world! And suddenly life how we knew became very still. Most of us are not used to being still, running around crazy all the time from one activity to the next. And suddenly we are completely compelled to “be still”. If ever there was a time that God spoke to us, “Be still and know that I am God”- psalms 46:10, it has been in the year 2020. We have had to turn our hearts to God to merely survive all of the craziness that has been thrown at us this year. And if you haven’t learned that lesson yourself, I highly encourage you to make the time to be still, to meditate, to pray and then listen. God knows you, He hears you, and trust me when I say you are never ever alone. Be still and know!
Good health is everything. Being a self proclaimed expert in the field of mental illness (joking), I have been reminded over and over again of how important it is to stay mentally, physically and spiritually healthy. I am so grateful that 2019 was year of improved mental health for me. I think had it not been, I may have been one that succumbed to the pressures and stresses of living with mental illness create. I sincerely hope not, but you just don’t know do you? I am torn apart to hear about friends and family that have not been able to cope with the sudden changes that have taken place. I am heartbroken to hear of illness and loss of physical health due to the effects that this year has brought on. I am distressed by the number of people that have walked away from God during this time when we should be seeking Him for deliverance. . I will be forever changed (hopefully for the better) because of the events of 2020. And I know you will too. How can we have a year like this and not be changed for life? Only time will tell if these lessons will be ingrained within us. I fear that as time goes on and life returns to somewhat normal, hatred, fear, and anger will return with a vengeance (as we have already seen politically speaking). It is Satan’s way. But as I said in the beginning, I am and will always be an optimist and I choose to remember and retain the good lessons that I have learned. And I will more wholey choose hope and joy every day of the week. I hope you will too. Let me know in the comments what lessons you have learned this year.
XO Wendy
P.S. Pointing toward hope is now on podcast! Just search for Pointing toward hope on most podcasting platforms. Instagram, and Facebook. I hope you come and follow me in pointing toward hope every day. If you or someone you know has an inspiring story to share that will lift others in meeting life’s challenges, please contact me. I would LOVE to reach out and have them on the show for an episode. Choose joy!
. I will be forever changed (hopefully for the better) because of the events of 2020. And I know you will too. How can we have a year like this and not be changed for life? Only time will tell if these lessons will be ingrained within us. I fear that as time goes on and life returns to somewhat normal, hatred, fear, and anger will return with a vengeance (as we have already seen politically speaking). It is Satan’s way. But as I said in the beginning, I am and will always be an optimist and I choose to remember and retain the good lessons that I have learned. And I will more wholey choose hope and joy every day of the week. I hope you will too. Let me know in the comments what lessons you have learned this year.
Pointing Toward Hope 