depression – Page 2 – Pointing Toward Hope

Take Courage

Take courage

“If I may speak to you individually … may I suggest that your personal struggles — your individual sorrows, pains, tribulations, and infirmities of every kind — are all known to our Father in Heaven and to His Son. Take courage! Have faith! And believe in the promises of God!” —Evan A. Schmutz

The reason I started this blog, Pointing toward hope, was twofold. First it was a way for me to document my journey through the trials of being diagnosed Bipolar. But second and even more important to me was that I would be able to help someone else who might be going through similar situations. I felt that if I could help just one person. It would be so worth it. But what I have realized along the way is that we all take our turns on the struggle bus! It doesn’t matter that my particular burden is not the same as yours. We can all help one another to become better, stronger, and most importantly, find hope. So that is what I want to talk about today. Hope!

But first I want to share a scripture that we will talk about a little later but it’s one of my favorites. It comes from the Doctrine and Covenants section 84:88 And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you to bear you up.

When I was a young mother, I had just had my fourth child. There were some complications during the birthing process. Consequently my precious tiny boy was rushed to Primary Children’s Medical Center in Salt Lake City. For most of the 12 days that he spent in the NICU we wondered if he would be coming home at all. It was heart wrenching to see that tiny little body lay lifeless in the incubator except for the machine that was helping him breath. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with heartache, pain and anguish, blaming myself for something that I may have done during my pregnancy. I had wished so hard for this baby to be born early and now he was, (2 weeks) and at what cost? What had I done? It was a terrifying experience that many young couples experience when their child is born with medical issues. Luckily for us, his stay was brief and we were able to bring him home with just a feeding tube, which he was able to go without, in just a few days of being home.

It wasn’t long after that experience that I started to have some serious postpartum depression. Which eventually moved into full blown manic depression. I had 4 young kids, all under the age of 6! I knew that I needed help. I just wasn’t sure how to find it. And so it went on for several months. I’d had postpartum depression with each of my kids but it had subsided eventually and I’d been able to move forward with life. But this time with the combination of having complications and then 3 other very young children. It just became super overwhelming. I remember one day getting breakfast for my oldest before he would go off to kindergarten. I grabbed a box of cheerios out of the cupboard and it slipped out of my hands and onto the floor scattering cheerios everywhere. I was in such a state of hopelessness and despair that it was like the last straw. I just sat in the middle of the floor and started sobbing. I was screaming at the Lord in my head. Why? Why is this happening? Why aren’t you helping me? How do I go forward when everything just seems so out of control?

Finally after what seemed like an eternity (but was probably just a few minutes), my 4 year old daughter came into the kitchen. She looked at the mess and then she put her hand on my shoulder, she climbed into my lap and hugged me and said “It’s ok mommy.” And at that moment I felt the Lord’s arms encircling me in His love. In a few minutes my daughter got up and she started picking up cheerios one by one. (lol). That was going to take a while, I thought.

Eventually I was able to get up and clean up the mess, get breakfast and take my son to school. Which was another major chore with 3 other littles that couldn’t be left alone. So I would have to pack up car seats and buckle them all in and just everything that goes along with that. But it was tender mercies like that little sliver of light that came from a 4 year old that kept me going. It was around that time period that I realized that I did have a choice. For so long I had believed that this was something that I just had to endure. I hadn’t been clinically diagnosed at that point, but I was familiar enough with postpartum and I believed that was what I was still dealing with. I remember the thought coming to me as clear as a bell one day as I was feeling hopeless and lost. You do have a choice you know? I thought about it again. I do have a choice. I can sit here and live with this horrible feeling of despair and hopelessness OR I could get up and do something about it! I don’t know where the strength came from that day. Maybe it was angels surrounding me bearing me up. But I do know that I realized without a shadow of a doubt in that moment I DID HAVE a CHOICE. And despite what you may think about your own struggles and trials, you also have a choice!

I am privileged to be in many facebook groups and I follow a number of people online that are such an inspiration to me. We didn’t have those back in the day. One woman that I follow has gone through her own struggle these past several years as she lost her husband due to mental illness. I have loved seeing how courageously she has faced this gigantic burden head on. She has since written a book about her experiences and speaks on many podcasts and events. She talked about choice in one of her recent posts and it went along so well with what I have been thinking about that I was to share it with you. Her name is Kayla Steck and the book is called fear gone wild. I haven’t read it yet but I am sure if it is anything like her page, it’s complete inspiration! This is what she said in a recent post. And I want you to insert whatever it is that is your particular struggle where she writes the word death.

“Death (insert struggle) sometimes steals our entire life, but when we hang on, when we push through, when we fight to rebuild again and again and again we are choosing to take back our life.”

I love that because it reminded me of that time that I realized, I do have a choice. I don’t have to live like this. I CAN and will take back my life!

Anyway back to my story. The day that I had that thought about choice was the day that I picked up the phone and made my first appointment with a therapist. I pretty much counted down the days until I was able to go. I was so in need of encouragement and strength. I felt like my life was hanging in the balance. I remember waiting in the lobby to be seen and having all kinds of unfamiliar feelings. Was it going to be good? What would they say? How long would it take? And all the things.

She called me back and we talked about what I’d been going through. I felt strangely comforted to just be able to unload all the pressure and worries and stress that I’d been experiencing to a total stranger who didn’t have any previous knowledge about my life. No preconceived thoughts. Her only job was to figure out where I would go next.

If you have never been to therapy, I can’t recommend it enough. It is so worth every penny! I remember her looking me straight in the eyes and saying. Well my dear, (she called me dear, which I so loved), if you ask me you have two choices. The first one is that you can do nothing (that is a choice BTW) and live with the struggles and challenges and stresses that you’re already well aware of. OR, choice two. You can take your life back! There are medications that are designed to help you with what you are going through. At that point I never knew that was an option. I figured we’d just talk it through and be done with it. Which actually works great for many, many people. But when she described it like that to me, I knew that in order to continue to survive I needed help as quickly and as easily as possible. And that’s when I had my first experience with anti-depressants. Which worked out great for a long time. It definitely helped to lift that cloud of despair and hopelessness so that I could continue to work on becoming better.

Now to be clear, I am not pushing medication at all. It was just what I needed at the time to be able to function and work through everything. But even more importantly than medication and what had started the ball moving for me, was screaming at God on the kitchen floor that day. You see, God is not the typical caregiver. We read in Psalm 147:3 He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. That is His only objective. To heal us, to bind up our wounds. To help us find peace amidst the struggle. To find light in the deepest recesses of darkness.

I know right now at this time in our lives, we are all exhausted! We are over it. Being stuck at home, kept away from others physically, struggling with work and businesses, just trying to survive. Having world unrest and calamities come from every angle it seems. But here is a thought for you. “What if you just tried on “making a choice to find hope in the hopeless, for size? What if you just tried on “happy” for size? What if you just tried on “seeing the little sliver of light” for size? If you don’t like it, you can always take it back off. I guess what I am saying is that courage is a choice.

I love my Jesus, He always comes through for me. When I was struggling with my littles, when I went through depression time and time again, when I went through my divorce. And even when I walked away from Him for a while. He never ever abandoned me. One of my other favorite scriptures that the Lord put on my heart today is Jeremiah 29:11 I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE and a future! It hangs in a frame in our bathroom so I get to look at and be reminded multiple time a day.

But this morning as I was studying I came upon this scripture and it definitely spoke to me as I was thinking about hope and how to help you who may be feeling hopelessness in this moment. It is found in Alma 22:16 of the Book of Mormon: If thou desirest this thing, if thou wilt bow down before God yea, if thou wilt repent of all they sins, and will bow down before God, and call on his name in faith, believing that ye shall receive, THEN shalt thou receive the hope which thou desirest.

So this is the way that I interpreted that scripture today. This is the way that it spoke to me. Basically there are 4 steps to get the hope that you desire. 1. You have to want to find it… If thou desirest this thing. 2. bow down before God (in your closet, on your kitchen floor, in your attic, where ever it is that you go to cry unto Jesus) and incidentally I did look up the definition of bow and it said to change in character or form, change of attitude, emotion or viewpoint… so maybe try on something different for size? 3. Call upon His name (cry, kick, scream, whatever it takes. He is not the typical caregiver. He is not going to scold us for our tantrum… He is just going to love us harder. And finally 4. Believe! Just believe that He can take away your pain…. THEN shalt thou receive the hope which thou desirest!

I would love to leave it right there. But I have one final thought that I think is really important to note. “It’s ok to not be ok! It is. Maybe that is the season that you are in right now. Don’t let the world add more pressure if you’re already overwhelmed. It’s ok if all you can do this week is survive. In fact that’s the most important thing!” And that is a quote from Bouncing Forward.

Remember my friends, you are loved! You are enough! And you can do this! Fight on my warrior friend, I love you!

XO Wendy

on the wings of Eagles

Hello my friends! There are so many things that I have been thinking about these past few weeks and months as we have all gone through so much with Covid, natural disasters, death, loss of businesses and the uncertain political climate.

I myself have struggled this past several weeks with feelings of depression and isolation despite my best efforts to maintain good health. Trying to all the right things and to just take the next right step.

Living with Bipolar is very often that way. It seems sometimes, when things appear to be going so well we can get caught off guard. The adversary would have us believe that we are not worthy of the blessings of the Lord. But I can assuredly tell that we are. And as hard as it is, we must keep going, keep pushing, keep looking up as I talked about a few episodes back.

The word that just keeps coming to me over and over is endure. Because it really feels like we have been stuck in the “song that never ends” haha you know that one that you sing as kids. Here’s the link just in case you’re not familiar https://youtu.be/xz6OGVCdov8….. Anyway, you get the picture. Today I want to talk about the subject of enduring through adversity, but first I want to tell you about an experience that I had this past week.

I was outside one day and I watched as a beautiful hawk spread it’s wings and glided through the cool air. And then it just so happened that I started to see hawks everywhere! Have you ever done that? Well usually when that happens to me it’s because there is a message that I am supposed to get. For me, that’s kind of how the spirit works. When I start seeing things repeatedly, or get thoughts over and over that I wouldn’t have generally thought of myself, it’s usually the Lord trying to tell me something or give me a certain lesson. What I got from this message as I started seeing these hawks soaring in the air is that I was reminded of the scripture in

Isaiah 40:31

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

As I thought about eagles and what this particular scripture was trying to say, I decided to research a little more about them and here are some of the things that I learned.

First of all, I love how big and majestic eagles look as they hover in the sky high above the ground. Did you know that eagles can fly higher than any other birds usually around 15,000 feet high? They get their lift from the warmer air that is closer to the sun, allowing them to glide for long periods of time. And that is how they conserve their energy by not having to flap their wings so much.

Eagles are among the strongest animals and their eyesight is 5 times stronger than that of a human. History has it that the eagle has the sharpest vision of all birds. When its eyesight grows dull with age it glides up towards the sun, and, by staring at the sun, which only an eagle can do, it burns away all the mistiness of age. ….They can detect UV light and can identify colors better than humans. To keep their balance and glide smoothly in the air, eagles will shed a feather on one side when the other side loses it!

Eagles can also fly as fast as a speeding car. So their wings are extremely strong and powerful. And their vision is impeccable.

They are unique in the way they care for their babies. Baby eagles are usually full grown by 12 weeks and too heavy for the female to carry. So she won’t push her young out of the nest to learn to fly, instead she will discontinue feeding them when she thinks they are ready to take flight thus forcing them to fly so they can find food to survive.

The word eagles is mentioned over 30 times in the Old and New testament of the bible and the imagery is often used to portray God’s power.

Now back to the scripture, it says “they shall mount up with wings like eagles”. So we have already established how powerful their wings are. So let’s just find the meaning of the word, mount.

The first definition of mount is that it means to go up, climb or ascend. Some synonyms are to arise, escalate, soar, ascend, rise, scale, tower, bestride, escalade, lift.

The first part of the scripture says, those that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up (arise, lift or soar) with wings like eagles (remember extremely powerful and strong). Now think of all of those traits that we talked about that eagles have. Sharp vision, they draw strength from the sun, they instinctively know how to maintain their balance and they can exceed the heights of others.

So you may be thinking well this is all great Wendy but how does this apply to enduring? And we are gonna get there I promise. But first we have to look at the first sentence of the scripture. But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength;

You know sometimes we feel like we have just had about all that we can take. And I feel like practically every day this year, I wake up and something new and crazy has happened. I think how can this get any worse? And above that, how do I keep going through all the crazy? Well the answer I think, is that we WAIT on the Lord. One of the definitions of Wait is to look forward to eagerly. As in I can’t wait for Christmas. But that’s not exactly what we feel like when we are in a state of enduring right? It’s more like “you mean I have to wait longer?”

In Elder Jeffrey R.Holland’s talk from this past general conference he said, “… there will be times in our lives when even our best spiritual effort and earnest, pleading prayers do not yield the victories for which we have yearned, whether that be regarding the large global matters or the small personal ones. So while we work and wait together for the answers to some of our prayers, I offer you my apostolic promise that they are heard and they are answered, though perhaps not at the time or in the way we wanted. But they are always answered at the time and in the way an omniscient and eternally compassionate parent should answer them…..”

I think it’s important to note that I didn’t hear this talk (or at least if I did it’s clear I wasn’t paying full attention), but after I planned this entire podcast, I was led to listen to his talk. And I cried, because it is exactly what I needed to hear. And maybe YOU need to hear it again too. I’ll put the link in the show notes.

So many people are experiencing feelings of depression, isolation and fear during this 20/20 year. Remember? This was supposed to be the year of perfect vision? Not quite the perfect vision of the eagle that we talked about earlier.

It’s far worse than what we ever imagined, right? Or is it? What if this IS the year of perfect vision? What if this IS the year that we learn and grow and soar more than we ever have? What if this year IS the year that we wait on the Lord and renew our strength in Him?

I have a couple of experiences that came to my mind about having to wait. Going back to about 2016, I had been diagnosed with Bipolar ll and I was in a really bad place physically and emotionally. I’m not going to go into the whole experience here. You can learn more about that by clicking on this link. During that time I had two experiences that helped to remind me of the importance of waiting on the Lord.

The first one was a dream that I had. I was riding in a car with my husband and it was a blizzard outside. We could barely see the road because of the wind and the snow falling. We were on a canyon road that was a mountain on one side and a drop off on the other. I could see that we were dangerously close to the cliff. Suddenly the car began to swerve and it was obvious that we were going to slide off the road. There was nothing that we could do. I remember feeling so helpless as I looked to my husband and saw the same look on his face. I was thinking “Is this really how it is all going to end for us?”

As we slid off the cliff and started falling, I was astounded as I looked to the left, to see a large hand glowing white, come around the front bumper of the car. It was a huge hand that engulfed the whole left side of the car. And then as I glanced to the right I saw another huge glowing white hand (I can’t really say glowing, it was more like on fire), brighter than you can imagine. I definitely knew, in my mind’s eye, that it was God’s hands coming around the car to shield us from the impending crash. I remember feeling incredibly grateful for the strength and comfort that seeing those hands brought to me.

I could see that we were going to crash. But I could also see that we were going to be surrounded in the arms of his love and in some way protected from the inevitable damage that would take place. Then, just as the hands came around us, we began to hit the trees… and that’s when I woke up.

When I told my husband about my dream he said, “well we did kind of go off a cliff!” And even though I laughed when he said it, I knew he was right.

When I went into the hospital during my manic episode it was literally like falling off a cliff. We were also struggling with some other issues at the time. I had been praying and pleading with the Lord to help us find a way out of the situation that we had been in. I feel like this dream came to me to remind me that even though we experience REALLY TOUGH things in our lives, He is always there to protect us when we go off the cliff and hit the trees. We may still hit the trees and come crashing down. But He will always be there to surround us in his love. When we wait on the lord our strength will be renewed.

I remember at around that same time we had missionaries from the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints of which we are members. They were there to teach my husband about the church and remind us of how much Jesus loves us and wants the best for us.

One night they shared a scripture passage with us from a story in the Book of Mormon about people who had been enslaved, most of them, their whole lives. It read:

13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. Mosiah 24:13-15

I remember that after the sisters left, my husband and I just sat there stunned. This was the Lord speaking directly to us! Telling us that he would Strengthen us and that he would deliver us from our afflictions. There is power in the scriptures, my friends, that we can not get from any other source. I love the scriptures and the answers that we can get from the Lord through them.

As we sat together and opened back up to that scripture I read ahead to the next verse which says, 16 And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.

I pondered upon that scripture as we sat there and it was as if the Lord was telling me that we were about to get through this trial. My heart was filled with gratitude and I was so overwhelmed with joy…I was thinking on the morrow, Lord does that mean that we are almost through this. It was like I was jumping up and down like a little kid, inside. Until I heard Him whisper “But…” I remember thinking, no wait! no buts what do mean, but? And then I heard “yes this trial will end but not yet, you must endure a little longer. You have to have great faith and patience and wait on Me, it is my timing not yours.”

I remember weeping as I thought of how much longer we might have to go through this refining process. But it is when we wait on the Lord, that our strength will be renewed.

Also In the recent General Conference just a few weeks ago President Russell M. Nelson spoke these words, “Are you willing to let God prevail in your life? Are you willing to let God be the most important influence in your life?” He went on to say, “The word willing is crucial…. We all have our agency. We can choose to let God prevail in our lives, or not. We can choose to let God be the most powerful influence in our lives, or not.”

In that same thought process. We can choose to endure, or not. There is a great promise that comes with the Isaiah 40:31 scripture. Did you catch it in the beginning?

Let’s read it again, But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

If we have faith and are willing to let God prevail, to wait on Him and His timing, we shall mount up with wings like eagles (remember “ arise with strength and great power”), we shall run and not be weary, we shall walk and not faint.

So just as in the scriptures we read that night with the sister missionaries, I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage. His promise to us is that we will be able to be sustained in our waiting period. He will give us the strength to bear up our burdens with ease if….. we will wait on Him, that our strength will be renewed.

Like the eagle, WE can have Sharp vision, when it comes to our future and the trials we are facing. We can draw strength from the son meaning Jesus Christ. We can instinctively know how to maintain our balance and exceed heights that we never thought possible. Wait on the Lord, my friends, have your strength renewed through and By Him. He loves you so much! But it is his timing and our faith and trust will create our endurance to get us through whatever hard thing we are going through.

He loves us just like those eagles love their babies. But sometimes He has to let us go without food for a little while so that we can learn to fly, so that we can look to Him for guidance and strength. But also realize the strength that we have in our own “wings”.

This past Sunday we were able to return to our church building for the first time since Covid. I was so excited to be in the building and worship with all my brothers and sisters in the gospel. It was so touching and so great to be back. One of the speakers we had, said something that I thought went right along with what I’m talking about. He said, “sometimes we worry so much about the Why’s that we forget about the WITHOUTS”, and I was intrigued and wanted to know where he was going with this.

He went on to say that when we are enduring trials sometimes we focus so much on WHY we are facing this particular struggle, that we forget what we would be WITHOUT had we not gone through it. I think about this and all the many miracles that have happened in my life since going into the hospital 5 years ago and being diagnosed Bipolar. It’s humbling to think about how my life has changed and grown in ways I never thought possible. But if all I ever focused on was the WHY did this happen part, I would not be able to enjoy all the things that I would have been WITHOUT had it not happened. It’s difficult sometimes when you are in the middle of a trial to think of a statement like that. It’s certainly easier to look back on the trial and see the WITHOUTS. But that is when I want you to remember, if we wait on the Lord, our strength will be renewed!

I believe that the struggles that we’ve shared This year and some that have been individual have been for our benefit. It’s possible that this IS part of His plan for us. This year, this 20/20 crazy year. Could it be that it’s to help us rise up and soar to new heights and see with clear vision that the Lord will prevail? I say with God, all things are possible. You can do this! You can get through this trial. And you are going to look back and be so grateful for all of the things that you are not WITHOUT and all of the things you’ve learned!

XO Wendy

Refresh and reframe your mindset

Quote Pointing Toward Hope pod graphic_2

At the beginning of the year 2020 we had such a positive outlook on the year ahead! After all it was the year of “perfect vision”. Now we are 8 months in, and as I’m sure you will all agree, it has been…. well… a year of some unmet expectations. Ok maybe a lot of unmet expectations! But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up on the rest of year. And neither should you. Let’s finish out this year STRONG!

So that all sounds great right? But it’s not so easy to do. Especially in our ever changing world filled with uncertainty and fear for what the third quarter of 2020 might bring. I mean I have started and stopped my goal of recreating my relationship with food (hello Covid-19), every time I read something else in the media that produces anxiety. Maybe it’s time to step away from social media for a while (that’s why I’ve been missing in action for a hot minute, lol).

I’m not suggesting giving it up completely (thats just crazy talk), I mean we have to stay informed. Just choose wisely what you choose to fill your brain with.

Here are a five ways other than going easy on social media, that I have found to deal with the anxiety and hopelessness of the future. And to reframe thinking in a positive and productive way.

Brain Dump Sometimes feelings and emotions can really become too much to bear. A practice that I have found helpful is to get out a journal (you know how I love journals!) and just “dump” all of your thoughts, feelings, emotions and scenarios that you are creating in your mind on to a blank page. You don’t even have to keep it if you don’t want to. I find that just releasing all of that emotion from your head and your heart is truly cathartic. It can be a form of therapy to just let your heart and soul out in words. Words that you’ve been tossing around and around inside your brain, creating all kinds of awful scenarios. Just get it out so you can let your brain rest.
Breathe There are moments when I’m working on something whether it be at work or at home even hanging out at soccer game (yes we just started back up again, yay!), when I notice that I have been holding my breath. It’s really a common practice to tense up when we are deeply engrossed in something. You may even be doing it at this very moment. So stop right now and do it with me. Close your eyes and take a big inhale through your nose (really fill up your lungs). Now let it out slowly through your mouth. Now do that 2 more times as you let your body just relax. Hopefully that will help you feel a little less anxious. Just breathe.
Kill the ants automatic negative thoughts (thank youJim Kwik). Negative thoughts rob us of joy and kill our hope and steal our happiness. We’ve all heard the quote by Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” Our thoughts are so powerful! As Jillian Michaels from biggest loser always says, “If you fight for your limiting beliefs you get to keep them. ” Don’t get caught in the trap of telling yourself that you are not (smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, motivated enough, old enough, young enough etc). What you tell yourself you are, is what you will become. Practice self love on a daily basis by being kind to yourself. Don’t let the “ants” keep you from thriving
Drink yo’ water!!!! I know this might seem like a crazy thing to add in this post. And I will harp on this forever (see more here). There are so many benefits to getting your water in daily (at least half of your body weight in ounces). And so many negatives to not drinking water. Being properly hydrated is so important. Here are just a few benefits: Weight loss and good skin elasticity. Muscle efficiency, mood balancer (yes!), temperature control, memory function, and joint lubrication. It flushes out the toxins that build up in our bodies creating good bowel function. It aids digestion and creates better immune health. When we become dehydrated it can cause dizziness, headaches, nausea, weakened muscles and lack of motivation. Do yourself a favor and fill up your cup!
Get out of your space Sometimes we get so caught up doing things in our own little world that we forget how much of a breath of fresh air it is to get out and see others. Being with people who love us and support us and laugh with us, might be the most useful and important activity we can do for us and for them! I can’t wait to be able to hug big again! Granted this has been especially hard during 2020 with Corona. But it is not going to last forever and for the time being, we can still get out and walk our neighborhood and wave at others as they drive by, or talk and laugh 6 feet apart. And sometimes playing games and visiting with your own family in your own home can be such a ray of sunshine.

I hope that these ideas will help you to find some ways to destress and decompress and refresh and reframe your mindset with everything that is going on in our world. If you are struggling, please know that you are NEVER alone!

Isaiah 52:12 For ye shall not go out with haste, nor go by flight: for the Lord will go before you; and the God of Israel will be your rearward.

The Lord is always by your side with His angels to assist you. I know this because he has been there for me over and over again. Love to you all, have a wonderful weekend.

XO Wendy

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Stronger than you think.

The past couple of months have been super challenging. I know that I am not the only one that feels this way. It’s ironic because back in February before all the craziness started, I felt better physically, mentally and emotionally than I had in a very long time. Stronger. More equipped to fight off the adversary. More confident, after struggling for so long to regain what I felt being diagnosed Bipolar, had taken away from me. Courage to face the challenges that would come my way. Little did I know what myself and others would be facing over the next several months.

Life has a way of throwing curve balls at you, doesn’t it? I don’t know if there is anything that could have prepared us for what we have all been through over the past several months. And on top of the many circumstances that each of has faced together, many have had to face the normal day to day challenges and inevitable trials that unexpectedly come our way in our so-called “normal” pre-Covid life.

So as I have been struggling, I have been searching for ways to pull myself out of the funk that I have been in. And wouldn’t you know it, God always comes through with something that I need. It didn’t just happen. I have been praying for days to feel better and re-gain that strength and faith and courage that I had just a few short months ago. As I have mentioned many, many times, we can’t just wait for it, we have to look for it and ask for it.

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Today, I just wanted to share a little bit of what I have been thinking and pondering over and what I feel like God has been guiding me towards this past month.

You may have noticed that after my last post, I’ve been pretty scarce with social media. I feel like I have had to shield my spirit away from so much of the negativity that has been going on, just as I would to my children. Maybe I am different than most mothers, but looking back I don’t think that I would have allowed my children to see a lot of what is blasted over social media.

I was pretty careful about what I allowed my kids to see and be a part of when they were little. Though the internet wasn’t as prevalent as it is today, the T. V. was a big influence. So I instituted what we called “No T.V. week” once a month. We used that time to read books, spend time together as a family, to go outside and enjoy nature and to find other sources of entertainment.

We also had many shows that were off limits, that the kids were not allowed to view. I just didn’t appreciate the influence and ideas of disrespect, negativity, and irresponsibility, etc. that some of those shows portrayed. And I think it has only gotten worse as the years have gone on (especially with all the venues that are available today for viewing).

The point that I am getting to is that maybe…. maybe we need to treat ourselves and our spirits exactly how we would our children. We are given stewardship over our children. They are not ours. They are His, just as we are His.

And just as tenderly as we treat and love our children, is how we should treat and love ourselves. We need to give ourselves the grace that God gives us and that we give our children. Even if that means taking the internet away from ourselves for a week ;).

How awful would it be if the first time our child tried to walk, we chastised them when they fell and discouraged from trying again? But we don’t do that.. we encourage them over and over and over again until they can do it on their own. And then we continue to do that with everything that they come across throughout their lives, even as they grow older and have their own children. We never stop loving and encouraging and allowing them to grow and become better than they were before.

We only have this one body…. it is a gift from the Father. Ours to take care of, to have “stewardship” over. And even though our bodies come to us with many different challenges, our spirits that are housed by those bodies are precious and so loved by the Father.

I remember many times, rushing to my child’s side as they fell down. Tenderly lifting them onto a counter, kissing “ouchies” better and gently placing bandaids on the scrapes and bruises. Giving them a hug and holding them as long as they needed until they felt strong enough to get back to what they were doing when they fell. And most often, with that boost of love and care, they were able to try again pretty quickly without even a negative thought.

Maybe I’m not so alone in the fact that I don’t treat myself the way I would my child, my family members, or my friends. I don’t give myself grace when I make mistakes. I have a hard time picking myself up when I fall. Instead of wiping away the tears as I would my child when they fall and scrape their knees, and encouraging them to get back up. I tend to chastise and beat myself up for falling in the first place. That is not what the Lord would want for us. There is only one place that negativity, self doubt, fear, and discouragement come from and that is from the adversary!

So as I move forward (and I hope you’ll join me) through this unchartered territory that we are all exposed to at this time, I am going to do my best to remember that this body is given to me to house my beautiful, tender, and loving spirit. I am going to show up for myself just as I do for my children and friends and family. I am going to wrap myself in a big giant hug and tell myself that everything is going to be ok. Because it will be.

I am going to let God cradle me in His grace when I fall. I’m going to get back up and try again when I make mistakes or fail. Because one thing is for sure, we can not move forward when we are always looking back. We can not look ahead when we are always looking back. We can not become better when we are always telling ourselves how bad we are.

Falling is not the problem. Making the choice to get back up when we fall is where the real victory begins!

XO Wendy

Letting go of the ruin

When I was fifteen years old, my dad and I bought an old beat up 1976 Camaro from the high school auto shop. I was going to be driving soon, and if things worked out I’d have my own wheels and freedom! I was so excited.

If memory serves me right, we paid about $300 for it. It was in fair condition. It could be driven. But there were several things wrong with it, including it was in bad need of a paint job. Of course I only noticed what it looked like on the outside and I wasn’t so sure that the $300 was well spent. But it had good “bones”. And the interior was still pretty nice, although stained a bit. But my dad could see something in her that I couldn’t.

My dad and I spent the better part of a summer working on that Camaro, and bringing her back to life. He on the mechanics of it, and me helping with the stains on the interior and the frame. I remember spending hours sanding the metal down by dipping the sandpaper in water and then removing every bit of remaining paint left. We rubbed putty (or something of the sort) in every dent and then sanded that down. It was a grueling process that required attention to every detail. But that was the process that was required to make her new again. To repair the damage that had been done and make it whole once again.

Then finally… one day she was ready to paint and get the finishing touches put on. I had saved all summer long to be able to pay for the parts and the paint job that went into her (candy apple red!). And I couldn’t have been more proud of the work that we had done.

The day that we put “Old Red” on the road was one of the most exciting days of my life! All of our hard work had finally garnered the result that I craved. She wasn’t perfect, but she was mine, and that’s all that really mattered to me.

As I reflected on that restoration process these past few months, I have been reminded of all the processes of restoration that we all have to go through during our lives on this earth. We are all broken down, with a few stains here and there, in bad need of repair or “restoration”. And although we may feel like we are barely getting by, the Lord sees our “good bones”. He sees what the outcome can be with a little sanding here and a little putty there, and maybe a shiny new coat of paint.

I have spent a lot of time pondering and asking the Lord why? Why do I have to live with a bipolar diagnosis? Why is it that my body is broken down, stained and dented? What good is meant to come out of this? What’s the purpose?

And then I remembered the story of the Old Camaro and it came to me with perfect clarity. We come to Him (our Lord Jesus Christ), broken, beaten down, full of sorrow and He “restores” us.

When I was diagnosed bipolar, my life as I knew it ended. Everything changed. I went from feeling like nothing could stop me. To feeling like a broken shell of a person. I was struggling with finding the right medications, the right Dr., the right plan for recovery.

It was only when I laid all my fears at the feet of my Savior that true restoration began. Where I saw a broken shell, He saw the good bones. It has not been easy. It’s a long grueling process. From waiting for 6 weeks just to get into see the right Dr. and then ending up in the hospital again right before that appointment. Then waiting another 6 weeks to finally get in again. Then trying different medications, behaviors and habits that work for me and my body chemistry. A little sanding here and a little putty there. He truly has been my source of restoration.

Elder Holland, an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, once said, “I think of that night when Christ rushed to the aid of His frightened disciples, walking as He did on the water to get to them, calling out, “It is I; be not afraid.” Peter exclaimed, “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.” Christ’s answer to him was as it always is every time: “Come,” He said. Instantly, as was his nature, Peter sprang over the vessel’s side and into the troubled waters. While his eyes were fixed upon the Lord, the wind could toss his hair and the spray could drench his robes, but all was well—he was coming to Christ. It was only when his faith wavered and fear took control, only when he removed his glance from the Master to look at the furious waves and the ominous black gulf beneath, only then did he begin to sink into the sea. In newer terror he cried out, “Lord, save me.”

Undoubtedly with some sadness, the Master over every problem and fear, He who is the solution to every discouragement and disappointment, stretched out His hand and grasped the drowning disciple with the gentle rebuke, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” Matthew 14:27–31

If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.” (May 2006 General Conference address).

We just need to reach out to Him and then keep our eyes fixed upon Him. He can restore us. He can bring us hope and peace and comfort. If we will let him. Because He loves us. Because He broke the bands of death. Because we are His!

We need not be fearful of the changes and trials that come into our lives. We need only to believe. Believe that He will come to us in His infinite power to restore us to our former state. Believe that He will bring us back to a state of health, soundness and vigor. It may not happen now, it may not happen in this lifetime. But it will happen. One day we will be restored in all our glory. Just like my dad and I restored Old Red. Our Savior will restore us, and He will take us out for a spin on the road and we will be His because that’s all that really matters to Him.

XO Wendy

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